I met Bernie Brillstein in 1996.
I was doing a radio campaign for Glendale Federal Bank in Los Angeles, and getting a lot of attention for it. The spots were funny and I was proud of them, but I couldn’t understand why so many people were hearing them. Important people.
It was only later I realized that the media buy was giving me the most beneficial exposure possible. The spots aired during rush hour traffic every day, and there were new spots every week. Over the course of a few months, every show business executive in Los Angeles had heard a wide sample of my writing and voice acting, and everyone wanted to know who I was.
I’m not exaggerating. There were profiles about me in The Wall Street Journal and The Los Angeles Times. Bill Handel, who I didn’t even know at the time, did a whole hour of his show asking people to call and weigh in on the commercials. NBC News even sent a crew down to tape me doing a recording session. When they aired the piece, Wendy Tokuda turned to Jim Giggins and asked, “Is it okay to say she’s annoying?”, which I still have on my resume.
At some point during this golden age, I attracted the attention of an executive at Brillstein Grey. I was floored. This was really where I wanted to be.
I started going in for a series of meetings to discuss my “vision”, and to go over the projects I had been developing for my own amusement. It was actually a sort of screening process to see if I had the goods for a meeting with Bernie. Eventually, I passed muster with enough people that I got the meeting. I was elated.
When I walked into his office, I was struck by how much he looked like Santa. His desk was lined with framed pictures of people like John Belushi, Dennis Miller, Bill Maher, David Spade, Martin Short, Dana Carvey and Bob Odenkirk. He had scripts in piles all over the room, and I understood what an accomplishment it was to just be sitting in his office.
To my surprise, he was very warm. He listened to my pitch attentively, and asked a lot of questions about my background. The other executives would chime in occasionally to remind me of anything I’d forgotten. It was a very friendly meeting, and it went on for a long time. I left feeling like I had broken through.
Several days later I got a call from Bernie. He told me he was “going to pass.”
I was heartbroken. I told him I really thought I was funny enough.
He quickly assured me that I was, indeed, funny enough. He liked my ideas, he liked my thinking, he liked me. There was just one problem.
He said, “You’re too well-adjusted.”
In his experience, people who were healthy, and most importantly, happy, were not good risks. Comics and writers who weren’t suffering did not consistently produce funny material.
Misery was like an irritant in an oyster. Comedy was the luster, and the pearl was the result. Without mental illness, there was no real and persistent drive to create humor.
This was the first and only time I was deemed too emotionally healthy for anything.
23 responses so far ↓
1 John Foley // Aug 10, 2008 at 10:47 am
If only you were as funny as that maladjusted misanthrope Richard Lewis. Then we’d be on to something.
2 bnaivar // Aug 10, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Should have scheduled the meeting during PMS, I guess…
3 clevelandphil // Aug 10, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Are we supposed to bash or praise Bernie?
4 JohnnyBoy // Aug 10, 2008 at 1:13 pm
If the rule of three is in effect, Bernie Koppell better be careful
5 JohnnyBoy // Aug 10, 2008 at 1:15 pm
“it is most important to have real love, truth, and stability in your life” unless you wanted to work with him
6 clevelandphil // Aug 10, 2008 at 1:49 pm
They say Isaac Hayes is a dead……….
7 TalkinHorse // Aug 10, 2008 at 2:16 pm
April’s core statement is vital: If not for tragedy, then comedy would be irrelevant. You produce comedy when you’re thrashing in a pathetic effort to keep from going under. The pearl is an excellent analogy.
By the way, I think the same thing is true for intelligence. That is to say, we don’t develop any problem-solving abilities unless we’re wrestling with problems. People who have never had any problems are stupid. (This is not to say that problems make you smart. They’re just part of the (for want of a better word) nurturing process.)
However, something is wrong with this story. Seriously, I don’t see how anyone could possibly mistake April for a mentally healthy person. I would more readily believe that Bernie called the police and had April held for a 72-hour mental health probe, followed by a restraining order with her picture posted at security checkpoints at all entrances to the building.
8 pal Jacky // Aug 10, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I just got back from my grandfather’s 96th birthday and I heard that Isaac Hays has died as well. Guddum I hope I’m next. I’d even submit to getting garlic shoved up my ass when sighing a death rattle if that would help. But i’m the sick fuck who thinkg this is erotic http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vprETGvyShM
9 Dave // Aug 10, 2008 at 3:01 pm
He looks like ‘Sabastian Cabot’ as Pip in the Twilight Zone episode ‘A nice place to visit’ in that press photo….
10 TW // Aug 10, 2008 at 3:31 pm
If the rule of three is in effect, Gary Coleman should look both ways before he crosses the street.
11 JohnnyBoy // Aug 10, 2008 at 4:38 pm
that too
12 thefifthbeatle // Aug 10, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Judging by yesterday and today the “Celebrity Death Trimester” is complete:
1. Bernie Mac
2. Isaac Hayes
3. Bernie Brillstein
13 pal Jacky // Aug 10, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Samuel L. Jackson should be the one to worry.
14 obscenemom // Aug 10, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Too well adjusted, eh? Ol’ Bernie wasn’t much of a judge of mental stability, was he. You’re as crazy as a loon. May I add, an extremely talented loon. RIP Bernie.
15 JohnnyBoy // Aug 10, 2008 at 7:47 pm
thefifthbeatle, we were saying either 3 blacks or 3 bernies
16 aristan // Aug 10, 2008 at 10:33 pm
pal Jacky… well, maybe that explains the whole Morgan Freeman near death thing from earlier in the week. God was gonna take out Samuel L. Jackson and then had my problem…
I can never remember which one is which. I mean… they don’t look alike or anything. But for some reason I always get them mixed up.
17 TW // Aug 11, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Today is Hulk Hogan’s 55th birthday.
Isn’t it time for him to go?
18 Gunner13 // Aug 11, 2008 at 3:59 pm
“TW // Today is Hulk Hogan’s 55th birthday.
Isn’t it time for him to go?”
Yes his 15 minutes are long since used up and he needs to retire from freaky celebrity and become a normal person again (he was on once, wasn’t he???). Who’s going to tell him though?
————————–
So April, if you had thrown a fit and attacked old Bernie with a slapstick, would that have changed his view of your overly well-adjusted state? I’m just wondering! (I love you the way you are, BTW)
Well Bernie, you missed out on a great opportunity - have fun on the other side, where ever you wind up!
19 DavidinBerkeley // Aug 11, 2008 at 4:49 pm
” He said, ‘You’re too well-adjusted.’”
I always thought this but never wanted to say it for fear I might offend Ms. Winchell.
******
Related to this would be my recent reading of “Dark City Dames” (interviews with actresses who had appeared in films noir). Audrey Totter had been up for many roles that Ava Gardner was up for as well. Totter never really broke into the “big” roles in film that she wanted (she passed on THE KILLERS to do THE LADY IN THE LAKE).
Gardner went on to have a career with a higher profile and bigger salaries, a much-headlined personal life and a series of short and dramatic relationships. When Totter met Gardner again in the late 50’s , Gardner apparently said to her, “You got what I always wanted: a child and a happy marriage.”
Take what you want from that. I kinda think it might apply here.
*****
(Fun fact: Totter’s nickname was “Teeter”)
20 TW // Aug 11, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Umm, when I asked if it was time for Hulk to “go” I meant Die.
21 pal Jacky // Aug 11, 2008 at 9:41 pm
hulk Holgan is only 7 years older than me???? Jesus christ I really do look good for my age.
22 mkf // Sep 1, 2008 at 3:34 am
[day late and a dollar short with this comment--sue me]
thanks for posting this–it must’ve been painful to contemplate, much less write up and publish.
i vividly remember the glendale federal spots, and i’d be willing to bet everybody in los angeles who had a radio back then remembers ‘em too.
it was the combination of writing and delivery that made that campaign so good; at the time, i didn’t have the slightest idea both were accomplished by the same person–even so, i remember thinking girl’s going places.
and i waited and i waited–and i’m sorry, but even though you were so stellar, since it didn’t take you anywhere, kfi didn’t ultimately fucking count.
but never mind that–since i hate everybody but for whatever reason i have adored you from day one, i kept mentally casting you into ideal roles–whenever i’d see some no-talent schlub get his big break, i’d scream at the tv ,”that should be april, goddammit–then it might actually be funny!”
only thing i’ve ever been able to figure is, (a) during your loose-cannon years at kfi you alienated anybody and everybody who might coulda given your career the boost it deserved; and/or (b) you have really shitty taste in agents.
whatever. you’re still young, you’ve still got it and there’s still time. persevere, babe–if not for you, then for god’s sake do it for me.
kisses
23 JohnnyBoy // Sep 1, 2008 at 8:01 am
I confuse Bernie Brillstein with the Brill Building
Probably because they were both from 1931
Not because of the name similarity, as I do not confuse either of them with Brillo
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