So I’m watching Judge Judy this afternoon, and I see a Crest commercial with Emeril.
Great, right?
Because when I think “oral hygiene”, I think of a big fat guy eating garlic with his hands.
In any event, Crest has some new flavors in their Whitening Expressions line. And to get the word out, they’ve hired Emeril to brush his teeth and say, “BAM!” Which as you know, is really funny.
But in a real O Henry ending, it turns out that “BAM!” isn’t a big enough word to get across how fuckalicious these new flavors are! It doesn’t even begin to communicate how ass-rippingly minty this shit is!
Now what, beeyotch?
Well, there are two things advertisers do when they run out of ideas. One is hiring Emeril. And the other is a contest.
So Crest wants you to go to YouTube, and upload videos of you screaming out catchphrase like a fucking retard. You can pretend that brushing with Crest Vanilla Dick Mint makes you jump up and down and say, “Kazowie!”, or “Fuck My Pooper!”, or “Holy Gordon Ramsey Tits!”
Won’t that be fun? They get free creative work out of you that can’t be any worse than the shit they’re paying their agency for, and you’ll get to go to a real live commercial shoot and watch Emeril try to act. It’s a win/win!
Here are some (mercifully short) actual entries:
And then there’s this, which I can’t possibly explain.
The official rules for this brain buster are here. And you can even watch the Hi-larious commercials with Emeril, which are funnier than a blood clot.
Personally, I have more ideas than I know what to do with. But I have a feeling the kinds of catchphases I’d like to submit wouldn’t be all that popular with the Crest folks. In fact, every comment I tried to post to their YouTube channel was denied, which leaves me feeling positively Winter Blue.
So let’s upload our own videos, saying the kinds of thing we’d like to hear in a Crest ad, and I’ll post them right here on my site. In fact. I’ll do a few myself. But it’ll have to be tomorrow, because there’s no way I’m taking a shower today.
Then we can all vote, and the winner will get something from my pantry.
Good luck!
22 responses so far ↓
1 DavidinBerkeley // Sep 17, 2008 at 5:12 pm
This makes me wish I had a camera. And puppets.
2 DavidinBerkeley // Sep 17, 2008 at 5:14 pm
This reminds me that something I recently saw something I won from AW in the “What’s Schaef Wearing?” contest.
It was a pair of wooden praying hands. One is still moldering in a potted plant at local non-profit.
3 JohnnyBoy // Sep 17, 2008 at 5:37 pm
I actually use that toothpaste
I’m not switching no matter what they advertise
4 pal Jacky // Sep 17, 2008 at 6:24 pm
you would think at least one would say
‘crest best for spooge breath’
5 Andre // Sep 17, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Cornhole. I love it.
I’m hoping the thing from April’s pantry is her bottle of Ed MacMahon vodka.
6 klabenz // Sep 17, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Here is my attempt:
O-BAM-A from Karen Labenz on Vimeo.
7 April // Sep 17, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Brilliant.
8 Speedy Cerviche // Sep 17, 2008 at 8:26 pm
I would have to give my vote to “Holy Shitting Dick Nipples!”
Because that’s just how I roll, goddammit.
9 Speedy Cerviche // Sep 17, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Oh dear, we have talented people in the house. This changes everything.
10 Prof. Oddfellow // Sep 17, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Jesus, Crest on a stick!
11 MyMonoclePoppedOut // Sep 17, 2008 at 9:31 pm
you know what I wuz just thinkin’? I’m thinkin’ I wanna sit on the bus and make random whirring and popping noises. Crest. Woop! Woop! Woop!
12 davidhazard71 // Sep 17, 2008 at 9:54 pm
April, your wording in this blog is priceless….Thanks !
13 PeekaBooRevue // Sep 18, 2008 at 4:00 am
I’m falling off the roof!
14 Knavish Rogue // Sep 18, 2008 at 8:00 am
Her: It’s a toothpaste!
Him: It’s a hemorrhoid cream!
Her: It’s a toothpaste!
Him: It’s a hemorrhoid cream!
Her: It’s a toothpaste you idiot!
Him: It’s a hemorrhoid cream you stupid cow!
Announcer: Hey, hey, hey! Calm down you two! New Crest Whitening is a toothpaste AND a hemorrhoid cream!
Him: WOW! I can feel my hemorrhoid’s shrinking already!
Her: And just look at my clean, white smile!
Announcer: So when you want a brilliant, dazzling smile AND something to smile about… try new Crest Whitening! The toothpaste and hemorrhoid cream in one!
15 nylasor // Sep 18, 2008 at 1:23 pm
April,
I just laughed so hard I almost choked on a Triscuit Thin Crisps Original! I gotta stop reading your blog during my lunch hour.
16 jasonthegreat // Sep 18, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I just had to post to say that it’s O. Henry (not O’ Henry–isn’t that a candy bar?).
Yeah, I’m that guy.
17 April // Sep 18, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Jason, I can’t give you any shit on this one. You’re completely right. I have corrected my blog accordingly.
18 Knavish Rogue // Sep 18, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Jason – yes it is a candy bar. But, ironically, it has the same surprise twist ending.
19 April // Sep 18, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Yes! Because there’s a turd in it!
20 Egregious // Sep 18, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Here is my entry, April.
21 chrisbcritter // Sep 19, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Miss “Made in America” should have taken out her dentures and demonstrated the stuff on ‘em.
22 chrisbcritter // Sep 19, 2008 at 9:32 pm
let’s see if this works:
[IMG]http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y164/ChrisBrame/crest2.jpg[/IMG]
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