There are two things in this world that I find hard to believe:
1. Someone didn’t know that Clay Aiken was gay
2. Someone gives a shit
And yet, today there is a flurry of activity in the Claynation, as the Claymates try to come to terms with the fact that their favorite little American Idolator is a bonafide twink.
What kind of people, you may wonder, actually have to process the sexual orientation of a complete stranger? Who in their right mind needs emotional support from other strangers, to accept someone else’s private life? What kind of narcissist turns everything into something they personally have to overcome?
Well, the kind of people who have sexual feelings for Clay Aiken. Or more precisely, Christian women of a certain age, who today are sobbing into their Laura Ashley bedspreads and wondering why no one loved him enough to pray the gay away.
For God’s sake, will no one pray for ranaeaiken? Hasn’t she been through enough? She made someone she never met a Christian role model because she liked him on TV. Now what is she supposed to? Learn how to spell “pedestal”?
And maybe it does sound dramatic, but those are her honest feelings! And everyone is entitled to their real, honest feelings, even if they make you uncomfort– wait.
Fortunately, not everyone is taking this approach. NClayolina, for example, is just plain mad. And who could blame her? After all, Clay Aiken ruined Christmas.
How can she listen to O Holy Night, knowing he desires unholy nights?
How can she listen to Santa Claus is Coming, when he might be coming on Clay’s face?
How can she look at gaily wrapped packages?
How can she stuff the turkey when Clay is probably getting the same treatment in a hotel room near an air force base? It’s enough to turn a girl Jewish.
Fortunately, she has resolved to look past Clay’s charity work so she can ridicule him forever, which is all any of us can really ever do. She’ll just stand up and say, “Lord, grant me the serenity to mock the things I cannot change.” She used to be able to pray on her knees, but that’s something else Clay ruined for her.
By the way, isn’t it interesting that people decrying homosexuality always use the expression “shoving it down my throat”? Just once I’d like to hear someone say, “I’m sick and tired of having their alternative lifestyle lubed up and repeatedly shoved up my hot, willing ass.”
40 responses so far ↓
1 Gina // Sep 25, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Just walk away Ranae…now that you know Clay’s got the gay…
2 theFatTubist // Sep 25, 2008 at 1:31 pm
As a person that has never heard him sing, I took the news with a “hmm, that’s interesting” and went about my life. Hell, the only reason I knew who Aiken was, was due to people making fun of him for being a closeted gay. Funny how things turn out, I guess.
3 ListenerJustin // Sep 25, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I think the crowd of people who are stunned and dismayed at this shocking, just SHOCKING revelation about ‘Claiken’ are probably the same people who felt betrayed over the whole Garth Brooks/Chris Gains nonsense. If you were surprised that he’s gay, there’s something wrong with you. Further, if you care that he’s gay and it affects your life, there’s something even more wrong with you and you should be kept away from sharp objects and heavy machinery. I’m gay (big damn deal), and the whole affair is just irritating.
4 coasterboy // Sep 25, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Personally, I was shocked. Now, if we can get Josh Strickland to come….colean. There be gay idols everywhere…
5 coasterboy // Sep 25, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I meant “clean”….
6 coasterboy // Sep 25, 2008 at 1:58 pm
BTW, great photoshopping. April, you do that?
7 ListenerJustin // Sep 25, 2008 at 1:59 pm
*Additionally, I’m not entirely certain that Ranaeaiken is actually a woman. I think we should pray that God blesses her with some hormone replacement therapy.
8 ira_shlamazel // Sep 25, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Listen, folks- these people’s reactions aren’t so amazing.
I recall the mass hysteria, the panic in the streets when it was discovered Boy George was a boy!
My hand to God, this is true. Not only that, but there were people equally shocked that she wasn’t black!
People. What schmucks!
9 ira_shlamazel // Sep 25, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I can picture him jerkin’ the Gherkin, but not squirting the murkin.
Ewww.
10 clevelandphil // Sep 25, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Is this good OR bad news for Prop 8?
11 yelkcub // Sep 25, 2008 at 3:39 pm
And a one and a two …
Unholy night! The bars are loudly calling
It is the night and I need some girth.
Long may the world have twinks worth worth a balling
And take my rod, of which there is no dearth.
A thrill of hope as the queery world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious ass!
Fall on your knees! Oh hear the manly voices
Oh night divine, Oh night when I get some
Oh night divine, Oh night, Oh night divine!
I tried to stay as close to the original lyrics and scan scheme as possible, which was oddly not that difficult. Take out the Jesus bits and it’s a pretty gay song to begin and I didn’t even get to the bit with “Before him lowly bend.”
Oh, and there are four more stanzas, so everyone can take a crack at it, just like Clay.
12 Stretch99 // Sep 25, 2008 at 3:40 pm
How can she listen to “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” knowing that one of the reindeer games is hide the sausage in Clay’s butt
13 pal Jacky // Sep 25, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I just hope he’s not so open and honest in public restrooms. geoarge Micheal is just becoming completely absurd. ‘What happens in the mens’s room at ‘borders’ stays in the restroom at borders’.
14 joshpincusiscrying // Sep 25, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Thirteen comments and no references about egg nog?
You people are slipping…..
15 pal Jacky // Sep 25, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I think we should have a pool, who will be the next out. I’m gonna go for a long shot. that david boreanz(sp?) guy, (‘angel’ )who is obsessed with socks. most of them really flitty.
16 Doug // Sep 25, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I know first hand that Kim Kardashian is indeed NOT a whore…how do I know? Because she won’t sleep with ME. And that makes her a bitch.
17 Speedy Cerviche // Sep 25, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Hilarious post, and great shoop, April. “Gay as a birthday tablecloth” is a great line. I think I remember you attributing that line to Roy, which makes it all the more hilarious.
Despite all the Claya-hatin’, I must come out (ha!) in support of the little mary’s decision. It’s pretty obvious, especially now, why he never wanted to make a public statement regarding his sexuality. The Christian Midwestern housewife was a major demographic for him. Let’s face it: he isn’t all that exciting as a performer. When everyone who voted for him got over their Idol Fever™, there wasn’t much enthusiasm left. So where else can a mediocre singer go when he needs a steady income stream?
The Christian music-listening set, who will forgive any lack of talent so long as you say nice things about The Lord, were the ones paying for his mortgage and his hair product. Without the Christfags, who do you think would be listening to his music? He knew it would be a severe blow to his wallet if he went on the record about his love for the tube steak. It would have definitely been the easy, “safe” route for him to keep mum on the subject and let all those floral print smock wearers enjoy their blissful ignorance. I won’t go so far as to say his admission was “brave”, but it was the right move, and I respect him a little more because of it.
That said, I still think he looks like he needs a boot heel in the face. Or maybe we could just hide his flatirons.
18 laffingsherry // Sep 25, 2008 at 4:59 pm
In that photo Aiken looks like k. d. lang’s unattractive sister! The guy has always creeped me out –no idea why.
And who was surprised he’s gay and who cares?
Hey look at ME, I’m straight. yay for me!!! geeez
As to those blogs, good God — those people are so sick it’s funny!
19 JohnnyBoy // Sep 25, 2008 at 5:06 pm
“All day long I look at this icebox, this sink, and these four walls….well,I’m tired of looking at this icebox, this sink and these four walls – I want to look at Liberace! ”
Alice Kramden
20 nix // Sep 25, 2008 at 5:40 pm
No buttholy night jokes?
21 jandu // Sep 25, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Hmmm…..more proof that I was born on the wrong planet. Anywhoo…I visited this terrifying website. What’s ironic is….they have “guideleines for behavior” for the posters, but that’s not all. “No discussion of religion” is also a rule. God forbid we discuss religion, let’s just spend our time ripping (funny gay pun) gay people apart.
22 eBayEnigma // Sep 25, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I just think it’s funny that Aiken has out-gayed Lance Bass by having a baby. I also agree with laffingsherry. Who was surprised, and who cares that he’s gay? I sure don’t.
23 TalkinHorse // Sep 25, 2008 at 6:59 pm
I’ll leave it to someone else to craft some clever line about worshipping idols or the idol having feet of clay or something like that. I’m just wallowing in the smug superiority of one who is completely out of touch. I had no idea who this bozo is or what he did or why he came (no pun) on the national radar.
24 steve // Sep 25, 2008 at 8:53 pm
this was put up july 23, 2007 and has less than 1,000 views:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RI6eaMxWqzI
if you can stand it to the end, listen to what they say over the credits. it’s really amazing that this is news, now.
25 aristan // Sep 26, 2008 at 4:09 am
you mean THIS was all a lie?
I’m crushed!
26 aristan // Sep 26, 2008 at 4:10 am
@eBayEnigma: And the person he got married is named Jaymes. I’m just saying…
27 PeekaBooRevue // Sep 26, 2008 at 4:43 am
“get your hand out of my ass…..” -Lee Klein
You think Clay will take up organ music now?
28 bnaivar // Sep 26, 2008 at 5:35 am
I’m shocked an appalled that April assumed those post were from women.
29 Prof. Oddfellow // Sep 26, 2008 at 8:09 am
April, your rapid-fire approach here is as hilarious as it is insightful.
30 Stretch99 // Sep 26, 2008 at 8:31 am
“I want to look at Liberace! ”
Alice Kramden
Prophetic and pathetic – BUY A VOWEL – GUESS THE PUZZLE OR GET CLUE
31 JohnnyBoy // Sep 26, 2008 at 10:33 am
Look, I don’t go around saying I like the Woman on top
Ok, I did it HERE, but I don’t go AROUND saying it
32 Andre // Sep 26, 2008 at 10:50 am
So much for the theory that all the good-looking ones are gay.
33 MyMonoclePoppedOut // Sep 26, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Well, as a long time fan, I’m neither upset nor shocked nor do I feel as if “he died”. I just hope people will stop attacking him now. I’ve been so sick of the 5th grade level attacks by everyone with a computer. It’s nobody’s business what his orientation is, and I sort of wish he had continued to keep it to himself. Not because he should be ashamed of himself, but it’s just one more excuse to attack someone who really is a very nice man.
Gayness? That’s fine, just “don’t shove it down my throat”, or up my ass.
love, the Republican right. *kisses!*
34 coasterboy // Sep 27, 2008 at 12:34 am
Really Monocle? Why shouldn’t it be fodder for discussion? He shouted it from the cover of People Magazine for god’s sake. And don’t think that he did it for free. I’m sure he was paid for the exclusive pics – with a bonus offered if he would “come out”.
And it’s always the repubs that always choose the phrase “shove it down my throat” to describe the gay agenda.
I think it is wishful thinking. If the cock fits….
35 ScottP // Sep 27, 2008 at 8:22 am
At least PEOPLE had the class to wait almost a month after 9/11 to publish this one.
36 naughty zoot // Sep 28, 2008 at 1:43 pm
This reminds me of the time I was visiting my re-located best friend in North Carolina (we both grew up in So Cal) and somehow ended up having a “Who’s Gay in Hollywood” discussion with the sweet little christian Carolina girl behind the counter at Barnes and Nobel.
After a few not-such-a-surprise names came out, she hopefully said, “But Clinton on “What not to wear” is is straight, right?”
I nearly snorted my latte out my nose as I said “CLINTON?? He’s the biggest nelly on TV besides the blond guy on Queer Eye!”.
Poor missy looked confused, until I explained the term “Nelly” and then, she looked crushed. “Oh NO!”
Okay, this poor little mega-churched child was obviously harboring some kind of dream of fashion-drenched days, and hot torrid (but within Christian bounds of matrimony, no doubt) nights with her idol.
Why? Because the blanket of denial, “pray the gay away” and general “If you shove your fingers in your ears and chant la-lal-lal-la-la-or sing “On Eagles Wings” loudly enough you-can’t -hear your real desires” is SO STRONG in a lot of Fundamentalist churches that it pulls in tonnes of guys so deep in the closet that they’re finding xmas presents.
These poor church girls hang out with so many obviously gay guys claiming to be hetero that they HAVE no gaydar even in obvious cases like Clay.
But it’s sad that Clay is living in NC and surrounded by so many idiots who were willing to sing his praises when he was willing to “don’t ask, don’t tell” but are turning on him now he’s being honest. Thank god there’s a nice gay community next door in Durham, N.C.
37 Andre // Sep 28, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Clinton is gay?!?
Noooooooooooooo!!!!
38 HurricaneBoy // Sep 29, 2008 at 7:45 am
By sheer coincidence, Clay is also frequently hot (like the sun) and wet (like … um, water), and parts of him, I’m sure, are frequently blue …
… and Kim Kardashian will never sleep with him, either.
39 Stretch99 // Sep 29, 2008 at 9:13 am
“If the cock fits….”
“Suck it Seacrest”
——Kathy Griffin
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