You might not have detected this from reading my web site, but I’m losing my fucking mind.
Things have been tough lately. Getting older is not a lot of fun, and even less so when you have health issues that seem to worsen every aspect of the process.
I keep thinking the best course of action would be to set me adrift, like the Eskimos used to do with their old people. Of course, there are no ice floes in Sherman Oaks, so I’d probably just get an air mattress and move into the walk-in closet in our bedroom.
But that’s all I’m going to say about it, because frankly, it’s boring. In fact, the only thing duller than someone talking about their health is someone talking about their teeth.
So let’s talk about happy things. Like vacations. Big, fat, luxurious trips, with lots of naps.
And books.
Real ones, with pages you turn instead of scroll.
And cocktails. Many, many cocktails.
Preferably blue ones. Or layered ones that look like sunsets. Or slushy pink ones that come in souvenir bowls you can take home and keep your prescriptions in.
That, my friends, is exactly what I need.
So tomorrow, John and I are going to Mexico, getting on a boat and sailing to Hawaii. Five days at sea, followed by a week visiting the Hawaiian islands. And on the last day, John and I are swimming with dolphins.
Well, he’ll be swimming with dolphins. I’ll be taking pictures. I’ve heard too many stories about horny dolphins mounting unsuspecting tourists, and I’m not about to be Flipper’s bitch.
I’ve set up my cell phone so I can add Twitter updates to this site, and upload pictures to Facebook. I’ve done it two or three times now and it seems to be working, so I’ll try to put up some pictures during the trip. I’m pretty sure my profile is public on Facebook, but if you want to add me, try to do it before I leave tomorrow.
I’ll be back on the 17th, and then Mick and I go right into producing another round of TV commercials for these guys:
I’m so looking forward to that. Professionally speaking, those spots were the highlight of 2007 for me, and I think this batch will be just as good.
- Aloha, from Keoni and Apelila
66 responses so far ↓
1 klabenz // Oct 4, 2008 at 9:50 am
Sooooo jealous — have a great trip!
2 steve // Oct 4, 2008 at 10:14 am
was the grass skirt (parted slightly to show some leg) already on the thing, or was that added for the luau? the flower in its hair-area is also a great touch.
3 PeekaBooRevue // Oct 4, 2008 at 10:20 am
Have a wonderful trip! Hope it isn’t your back that is giving you issues. If so, bring that nada chair! Or bring some ‘dolls’ so things don’t get too uncomfortable. Feel well dahling, and look forward to your updates and upcoming spots. *muah*
4 Osafp // Oct 4, 2008 at 11:57 am
let’s see john in a grass skirt…
also, you and vera charles can compare hawaiian cruises.
5 HennyPenny // Oct 4, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Soak up that Hawaii-ness, right down to your toes. And have a Happy Broderick Crawford Day (10-4).
6 Mr Pete // Oct 4, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I’m jealous too… I was signed-up to go on a cruise a couple years ago with a bunch of friends and got a kidney stone a day before departure. Yep, getting old sucks, but as my 82 year old mother says “it beats the alternative”.
And April, if you’re an example of getting old, I can’t wait!
You and John have a wonderful trip - you deserve it.
Yours, in decrepitude,
Mr. Pete
7 PeekaBooRevue // Oct 4, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Just checking back to see how the convention is doing for you. Your twitter comments are hysterical! I can’t check back until your are most likely gone on your trip. Have fun! *muah*
8 jandu // Oct 4, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Awwww…..have a great trip. Stay away from the Love Boat Botulistic Mayonnaise.
9 PeekaBooRevue // Oct 4, 2008 at 3:23 pm
you are the funniest thing on this too!
10 nix // Oct 4, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Any drink that comes with a straw hat is good! Travel safe.
11 Nusa // Oct 4, 2008 at 5:06 pm
You’re younger than my little sister…and holding up better than she is.
Besides, so long as you can still do cocktail research, you should have fun!
12 pal Jacky // Oct 4, 2008 at 6:51 pm
I’m convinced fortyeight is the new seventy. It will be interesting to see if a vacation works. The only board and care around here insists that I be older or crazier. It is just fucking unfair.
13 Speedy Cerviche // Oct 4, 2008 at 7:24 pm
April, did I read that correctly? You signed a gun?!
May I ask what kind of gun?
14 April // Oct 4, 2008 at 7:29 pm
A pearl handled revolver. He asked me to write, “In memory of my father, Paul”. I said, “Doesn’t that make it sound like I shot him?”
15 eBayEnigma // Oct 4, 2008 at 7:30 pm
In the immortal words of my husband’s aunt that lived to be 100…”Aging is not for sissies!”
16 Speedy Cerviche // Oct 4, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Wow… that leaves me with more questions than answers.
First off, how creepy is that? Not the gun mind you, but just the act of asking a person to sign a heartfelt message commemorating their dead parent. And then you add to that the fact that said parent wasn’t particularly well-liked by the person being asked to commemorate him… Wow, just wow.
And I wonder what made that guy think a gun would be the optimal place for that delightful sentiment. Wouldn’t it make more sense to use a puppet or an empty bottle of psychotropics for this purpose? Was your dad a prominent figure in the pearl-handled revolver collector scene or something?
God, that convention must have been fabulous. Foot fetishists and gun-toting puppet freaks.
17 jim // Oct 4, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Aloha oe & bon voyage!
18 April // Oct 4, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Speedy - I agree, it was beyond strange. First he asked if my dad had done an episode of Gunsmoke. I said that I didn’t think so, but he had done an episode of The Virginian. I guess that was all it took.
It wasn’t until hours later that I realized how fucking scary it was that a guy brought a gun to that show and no one noticed.
19 TalkinHorse // Oct 5, 2008 at 1:15 am
Regarding the dolphins…For all her impassioned advocacy of alternative lifestyles, April is surprisingly narrow-minded with respect to the overtures of our aquatic friends. Come on, April, don’t you think it’s time to move beyond these primitive prejudices? Show us you’re not an old fuddy-duddy! (And don’t forget to post videos.)
20 TalkinHorse // Oct 5, 2008 at 1:26 am
With respect to Hawaii…My trivial suggestion is, if you seek a snack, try the Taro chips. These are like potato chips, but made from the Taro plant. I find them a lot tastier than potato chips. They are (or were) commonly available in Hawaii; wherever they sold bags of potato chips, there were also bags of Taro chips. (FWIW, you can sometimes find Taro chips here on the mainland in places like Whole Foods, look for the Terra brand.)
The Hawaiians seemed proud of their local potato chips, which I found to be excessively greasy. And they were also pushing Maui onions, but I just didn’t get it. But I liked the sweet potato fries.
21 MyMonoclePoppedOut // Oct 5, 2008 at 2:11 am
My mother just went on a cruise to Mexico. If you see a batch of red hatters, try not to kick them. One might be my mom.
22 Doug // Oct 5, 2008 at 11:27 am
Your mom is a Linux programmer? Wow, I’m impressed. My mom can’t even program a VCR.
23 bnaivar // Oct 6, 2008 at 6:05 am
You know what they say.. “Once you go Fishy, it’s for that you’ll wishy”.
OK. I made it up.
24 JohnnyBoy // Oct 6, 2008 at 9:06 am
Once you go porpoise you’ll have quite a sore puss
25 clevelandphil // Oct 6, 2008 at 10:48 am
APRIL’S MOVIE IS NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suck on that biotches!!!!
26 pal Jacky // Oct 6, 2008 at 12:35 pm
My nephew saw it. He didn’t like it. I tried to explain to him that when a new piper parabo film comes out, he must love it. . She has the cheeks of a chipmonk and the name of an endangered spiecies.
27 pal Jacky // Oct 6, 2008 at 12:51 pm
here’s a fun piper parabo fact. she was born in 1976 and named after Piper laurie. what kind of mental illness did her parents suffer from after seeing ‘carrie’.
28 socalfrank // Oct 6, 2008 at 4:08 pm
April,
Congrats on your new movie’s box office numbers. I hope you get a nice chunck of that.
29 Doug // Oct 8, 2008 at 4:47 am
I thought April does voices…she does movie too? Wow! Which one?
30 DavidinBerkeley // Oct 8, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Hey, while AW is away, let’s rearrange all the furniture!
31 WhereTheresSmoke // Oct 8, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Porpoises conduct themselves rather brutally in their sexual relations. Typically two dolphins will chase a female until she becomes exhausted. The then cooperatively corral and copulate the female until satiated.
PS: Bill O’Reiley likens sex with porpoises to gay marriage:
http://mediamatters.org/items/200601050008
32 JohnnyBoy // Oct 8, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Ok I’m moving the chiffarobe over THERE —>
33 Stretch99 // Oct 9, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Dolphins can be SOOO GAY
34 JohnnyBoy // Oct 9, 2008 at 1:26 pm
fishpackers
35 JohnnyBoy // Oct 9, 2008 at 5:49 pm
y’know, 40% of your grade is class participation
36 naughty zoot // Oct 9, 2008 at 11:35 pm
April, you’ll not getting older, you’ll getting hotter!
37 Speedy Cerviche // Oct 10, 2008 at 4:59 pm
While April’s away, the cat can play. Or he can arbitrarily change the topic of conversation. That too.
Sad guys on trading floors, GO!
38 JohnnyBoy // Oct 10, 2008 at 6:07 pm
the second guy down looks really familiar, I think I know him from somehwere….but….where?
39 Doug // Oct 10, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I just saw these hanging from the ceiling in Target. Do they remind anyone else of Winchies?
40 Speedy Cerviche // Oct 10, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Meh, that’s Domo-kun. He was around long before Winchies.
41 Speedy Cerviche // Oct 10, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Whoa, it just hit me.
Why the hell is Target using the mascot of a Jap TV station in their Halloween decorations?
42 clevelandphil // Oct 12, 2008 at 12:10 pm
April’s movie is STILL NUMBER ONE!!!!
Fuck Dark Knight.
43 pal Jacky // Oct 12, 2008 at 3:06 pm
http://www.boxofficemojo.com/weekend/chart/
a favorite site of mine. ‘college’ made $300 dollars this weekend!!!! How did I miss that one? ‘choke’ after two weeks. I almost saw that one.
44 Speedy Cerviche // Oct 12, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Hmm. After checking out that site, I’m even happier about the success of April’s movie.
The number two and three movies are not flicks I want to see in the top spot. You have “Quarantine”, an unnecessary, inferior remake of an already so-so Spanish zombie movie, and “Body of Lies”, which looks totally gay. And by gay I mean homosexual.
45 Stretch99 // Oct 13, 2008 at 9:21 am
Body of Lies -+ GAY? = THE CLAY AKIN STORY
Suck on THAT CLAYMATES!
46 Dave M. // Oct 13, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Prayer: May the gods of the great edible pineapple be with both of you always!!!
Mouth watering: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/17/Pineapple1.JPG
47 pal Jacky // Oct 14, 2008 at 7:17 pm
what is great about that site is that it lists all movies doing any business. $44. dollars for the week. that is 4 tickets at 11 bucks a pop.
the movie I’, looking forward to the most is ‘Saw V’. I disliked the first one hated ‘II-IV” but still I’m gonna’ go opening day.
It is like plunking down $60 for the game ’silent hill V’ knowing before hand it is was probably going to be dreadful since the original people were not involved. And just having a fun time with it because it is completely laughable and simple. oh the Xbox360 graphics are great which seems to be the only thing that matters these days.
48 DavidinBerkeley // Oct 16, 2008 at 2:50 pm
We need to put some pep into these proceedings.
Who’s up for a game of “What’s John Foley Wearing?”
49 TalkinHorse // Oct 16, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I just saw “An American Carol”, and was surprised how much I liked it. Yes, it’s that “conservative” movie, and I’m in some ways “conservative”, but I’d mostly rather skip “message movies”. Sure, Michael Moore is a jackass, but that doesn’t mean an hour of bashing him is fun. It opens with a lame Leslie-Nelson-as-grandpa frame, and I was almost ready to give up. But then we get to Scrooge story, where it begins to work. They did a smart thing in making Michael Moore likeable, just as the Christmas Carol movies make Scrooge likeable. There’s a lot of parody of political sacred cows, like showing ACLU lawyers as zombies from Night of the Living Dead; obviously this is not going to sit well with everyone. Anyway, I’m just reporting that I laughed. Please don’t trash me; I’m not telling you to laugh; I’m just passing along the tip to anyone who might enjoy it.
50 WhereTheresSmoke // Oct 16, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Leave Joe Plumber alone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qk4MKgAItAg
You saw it here first
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Q-BTWOhkyM&feature=related
The real Joe Plummer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSwm3Zf2oBI
51 Speedy Cerviche // Oct 16, 2008 at 9:30 pm
OHMYGOD TALKINHORSE YOU EEEEVIL CONSERVATIVE MOUTHPIECE HOW DARE YOU ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT THAT ANYTHING REMOTELY CRITICAL OF THE ONE TRUE FAITH CAN BE FUNNY! HOW CAN YOU LAUGH AT ANYTHING WHEN THERE ARE TROOPS DYING IN IRAQ!? YOU MUST REPENT! I COMMAND YOU TO RECITE TWELVE HAIL CLINTONS AND TWENTY OUR ‘BAMAS.
Eh, I’ve had my eyes on this film for a while. It seems like it might be entertaining, despite Zucker’s recent pattern of sucking out loud. I probably won’t see it while it’s in theaters, though. Not that I’d be offended or anything, I’m just bored to tears with all things political right now… also, I like to avoid anything showcasing the comedy stylings of Bill O’Riley. But that’s just me.
52 TalkinHorse // Oct 17, 2008 at 2:17 am
Wow, April’s twitter text has acknowledged, as we’ve all long suspected, that she has indeed entered into a carnal relationship with a dolphin.
53 socalfrank // Oct 17, 2008 at 8:55 am
Does anyone know the email address of that idiot Pepperdine University “professor” on the Yes on 8 commercials. Someone needs to post it so we can send him lots of spam.
54 Speedy Cerviche // Oct 17, 2008 at 9:43 am
His email is Richard.Peterson@pepperdine.edu
His office phone is (310) 506-4094.
Have fun, kiddies.
55 DavidinBerkeley // Oct 17, 2008 at 12:39 pm
“Does anyone know the email address of that idiot Pepperdine University “professor” on the Yes on 8 commercials. Someone needs to post it so we can send him lots of spam.”
Hearing that stuff like this is happening makes me glad I’ve forgotten how to watch TV.
56 JohnnyBoy // Oct 17, 2008 at 1:12 pm
New York always only has dopey bond issues as propositions.
57 Stretch99 // Oct 17, 2008 at 1:42 pm
“WEATHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!”
i’m glad I’m not the only one vomiting on YES ON 8 ads
“People won’t be able to refuse gay marriage on moral grounds” - DUH there are no moral grounds on which to deny people their rights
“Gay marriage will have to be taught in schools like in Massachusetts” and the world didn’t END. Ok maybe it has but it was the fault of the Super collider and not Bromance
58 TalkinHorse // Oct 17, 2008 at 3:33 pm
It’s between you and God if you want to honeymoon with a dolphin. But you go too far when you demand that we sanction your marriage to a dolphin. Sorry, but we gotta draw the line somewhere…(ahem!) WHETHER you like it or not.
59 Andre // Oct 17, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Hey everyone! Listen up!
April’s going to be home any minute. Shove those empty bottles under the sofa. Scrub that vomit off the ceiling. And for God’s sake, get that goat out of here!
60 JohnnyBoy // Oct 17, 2008 at 5:25 pm
So let me get this straight……all marriages will be gay marriages if this goes down?
61 Speedy Cerviche // Oct 17, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I’m so tired of you fucking liberals twisting this prop 8 thing into an issue of intolerance. Prop 8 is strictly about what’s best for the children. It is a proven scientific fact that a household made up of one man and one woman is the healthiest environment for a developing child. I’m voting “yes” because I’m thinking about future generations. My intense hatred of faggots really has very little to do with it.
Now I’m going to go marry a prince.
62 Stretch99 // Oct 20, 2008 at 1:55 pm
“a household made up of one man and one woman is the healthiest environment for a developing child”
a million single mothers with “baby-daddies” beg to differ. Gay marriage is here:
“WEATHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT”
stop bein such a hater
63 Stretch99 // Oct 20, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Speedy - “thou protestith too much”
Ditch the Witch and make the switch
64 Speedy Cerviche // Oct 20, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I sincerely hope it’s my sarcasm-o-meter that’s broken and not Stretch’s…
65 Stretch99 // Oct 20, 2008 at 5:38 pm
….we homos can be so sensitive
66 JohnnyBoy // Oct 20, 2008 at 5:45 pm
This accountant I used to work with had gotten married on Income Tax Day, it doesn’t matter that he marrried a woman, that was pretty gay
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