Ok, a couple of things here.
First of all what the hell is “green gossip”? Is there actually a tabloid aspect to recycling? Do people really care if Charlie Sheen has florescent light bulbs in his trailer? Are paparazzi staked out in front of Greg Kinnear’s house, trying to catch him putting green bottles in the brown glass bin?
But okay, let’s assume that there are, in fact, people who give a fat shit about how eco-friendly the cast of Lipstick Jungle is. Even within the narrow confines of that fetish, how does this particular non-story qualify as “green”?
We are, after all, talking about a woman who threw a party. She didn’t grow the food, for fuck’s sake, she hired caterers. How many trucks do you think showed up with electric heaters and propane grills? How many linen tablecloths and napkins had to be laundered? How many dishes and glasses had to be washed? How many cars did the valet park that night? How much power did it take to put that party on, not to mention run a mansion on a daily basis for one person?
I mean, Jesus, she didn’t teach the women of Abu Dhabi how to make hijabs out of hemp. She had a bunch of rich, self indulgent jack-offs up to her mansion, and put out some hummus. Let’s name a God damned airport after her.
And by the way, it wasn’t even a vegan party. She just “included” vegan appetizers. I’m sure there was plenty of overfished Chilean Sea Bass for Courtney and David.
Was it a nice gesture that she put out some tempeh for the Marlboro-smoking yogatards? Sure. But that doesn’t make her Ed Begley, does it?
You know how Jennifer would really make this planet a better place? Stop plastering her big Jack O’ Lantern head on the cover of every magazine, bitching about Angelina Jolie. Talk about saving trees.
And in other holiday news . . .
Now I’m a glutton or punishment like no other. But I have to believe that the sound of both of those voices in the same room would bring this on by midnight.
65 responses so far ↓
1 Stretch99 // Dec 9, 2008 at 2:18 pm
and in other Holiday news – a new store has opened on Sunset Bl – and all they sell are VIBRATORS.
The store is called: TOYS FOR TWATS
2 John Foley // Dec 9, 2008 at 2:27 pm
“But Aniston proved to be a classy broad and made sure the catered event included lots of vegan food for her meat-free friends…”
Hey, you know what’s even classier? You invite people over for a meal and then you actually serve, oh I dunno, ACTUAL DELICIOUS FOOD.
How would that be for class?
3 Gina // Dec 9, 2008 at 2:46 pm
But did she serve Fair Trade coffee????
4 EverybodysLittlePony // Dec 9, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Yeah, and where would Wing be without April? Playing limited engagements outside the Chunder from Downunder Bait Shop, Dry Good Emporium, and Amphitheater just outside of Perth. And now look at her! Opening for Joy Freakin’ Behar!
Well, not much of an improvement when I think about it, but still…
5 CaritTop // Dec 9, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I love how the author “appreciates” Jen’s gesture of providing vegan food. Does she realize she wasn’t actually invited to the party itself?
6 Knavish Rogue // Dec 9, 2008 at 3:32 pm
“classy broad.”
Nuf said.
7 Stretch99 // Dec 9, 2008 at 3:40 pm
4 EXTRA COOL POINTS!!! {oh my!!}
8 theFatTubist // Dec 9, 2008 at 3:42 pm
That was as fun rant. And I learned something new today. A corollary to rule 34, if you will. “If it exists, there is a green version.”
Also, I’m not quite sure this prepares the unwitting the horror they are to behold: “With her unique voice and determined spirit…”
Of course, these people are going to a Joy Behar concert. It may just be right up their alley for all I know.
9 MeanDean // Dec 9, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Joy Bayhar is among today’s leading comic talents? Since when? Twenty years ago she was mildly funny now she just rants on how fuckin old she’s getting.
Mean John Dean
10 Speedy Cerviche // Dec 9, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Yeah… once I gain the Power Cosmic, Jen’s right there at the top of the list of people who will find themselves spontaneously combusting in a flash of blue space-energy.
Take a look at her whenever she’s on one of those vapid celeb gossip shows: she always looks like she’s caught a whiff of dog crap. That fucking sourpuss face. Goddamn, I hate her with a white-hot passion.
Actually, now that I think about it, I really hate all vegetarians and vegans. I think these people are damaged in some way. I mean, Jesus Christ, the food served during the holidays is delicious. What kind of mutant wants to turn away the food the rest of us wait all year to savor? Eat the fucking DEAD TURKEY, you empty-eyed cunt. It’s delicious.
11 Jersey Mahoney // Dec 9, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Celebrities are so much better than me. But I enjoy my food more.
12 ListenerJustin // Dec 9, 2008 at 5:15 pm
WING?! Did I read that correctly? Wing is going to be playing Joy Behar’s new year gig? Oh, that just makes me sick! I don’t pay much attention to the media, but I can’t imagine that bellowing orifice ever featured Wing with the the regularity and stamina April had. I’m reasonably sure that Wing would not be the camp sensation she is today without April Winchell. I hope you at least get an invitation you can decline, lovely lady.
13 Andre // Dec 9, 2008 at 6:07 pm
That’s funny. It’s my life-long ambition to be a rich, self indulgent jack-off.
14 PeekaBooRevue // Dec 9, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Who approved that photo of Aniston? Horrid! Looks like she is trying to smell her own breath or keep the semen from escaping. or both
15 pal Jacky // Dec 9, 2008 at 8:15 pm
We should get a collection and send ‘david from berkeley’ to the wing/beyhar show in San Francisco so he he can give us a fist person account.(anyone else live that close?
the head exploding scene from ’scanners’?
Mick IS david cronenberg.
16 JohnnyBoy // Dec 9, 2008 at 8:31 pm
The Green Gossip was a little-known Super-Villian who appeared briefly in issues 37-41 of Tales of the Vegan Homeworld
17 Mr Pete // Dec 9, 2008 at 10:40 pm
April,
HOW can you miss a live performance by Wing, even if you have to suffer through a dead performance by Joy Behar? I mean, isn’t this like the holy grail?
OK, deal: if you go – I’ll go. Who else is up for it? And if that isn’t enough, just make it a double feature with Beach Blanket Babylon…
18 joshpincusiscrying // Dec 10, 2008 at 7:32 am
I am a vegetarian. Not because I feel any great need to save animals or to make a political statement. I just don’t like to eat meat. I don’t like the way it tastes. I don’t like brussel sprouts or coconut, either. So, fuck those “celebrities” and their self-righteous, cause-based ways (read: look at me! look at me!)
100 bucks for Joy Behar and Wing? I would like to just stand outside the venue to see who goes in!
19 Stretch99 // Dec 10, 2008 at 9:29 am
Andre-
when you are rich – you don’t need to jack-off, you have people who do it for you…
20 JohnnyBoy // Dec 10, 2008 at 10:33 am
All this “Green” crap….ha!
I’ve been recycling jokes for years now.
21 JohnnyBoy // Dec 10, 2008 at 10:41 am
like….I’m a Vagitarian………or, That’s one hell of an act, what do you call it?
22 jandu // Dec 10, 2008 at 12:01 pm
me? I’m a cockatarian, or is it dickatarian?
23 JohnnyBoy // Dec 10, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Ah, then you’d be Jandufer Peniston !
24 nylasor // Dec 10, 2008 at 2:13 pm
We should get a collection and send ‘david from berkeley’ to the wing/beyhar show in San Francisco so he he can give us a fist person account.(anyone else live that close?
How do you know “david from berkeley” is a fist person?
25 pal Jacky // Dec 10, 2008 at 2:24 pm
actually, that was a typo, I left out the ‘r’. However, it seemed clever enough not to correct with another post.
I saw ‘berlin alexanderplatz’ the second time at the castro when I was a berkeley math geek, so I know it is just a bart ride away.
26 pal Jacky // Dec 10, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I figure, the $100 bucks has got to be the new years eve tax, most of the people paying it can’t afford to go the shows they really want to see that night. However, if one looks at it an investment in ‘wing devotion’ it is a small price in the long term reality. That Bayher bitch will probably only do 30 minutes or so. Odds are she won’t hit the stage before 11:30 so any rational person will have leave the theater before that and miss the drunks on the road which start rolling out after about 12:30-100.
27 OhWhyNot // Dec 10, 2008 at 3:48 pm
I don’t understand the hatred for Jennifer Aniston. I find her inspirational. {Burp}.
28 MyMonoclePoppedOut // Dec 10, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Oh golly, I’m so glad mr. Uninteresting and Self Centered hates all vegetarians and vegans, because we hate you right back. Some of us don’t eat animals for ethical reasons, so suck it. Some of us don’t shove our lifestyles or choices in other’s faces, so once again, suck it.
29 thefifthbeatle // Dec 10, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Gee MyMonocle, I’ve missed your rosy (and not at all biased) viewpoints. TELL US MORE
30 JohnnyBoy // Dec 10, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Don’t stop me if you’ve heard this before, as I am recycling:
How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, vegans can’t change anything.
So the Vegan comes up to me as I was adding milk to my coffee , “Do you know that milk belongs to a calf?”
So I said, “Relax, I already ate that calf for lunch
31 JohnnyBoy // Dec 10, 2008 at 8:36 pm
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to eat fucking tofu !
32 JohnnyBoy // Dec 10, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Did you hear the one about the Vegan Zombie who ate GRAINS?
33 pal Jacky // Dec 10, 2008 at 9:09 pm
if god didn’t want us to eat meat, (s)he wouldn’t have made it tastes so fucking good.
34 Speedy Cerviche // Dec 10, 2008 at 9:28 pm
I always heard “Vegetarian” comes from the Cherokee word for “bad hunter.”
35 Speedy Cerviche // Dec 10, 2008 at 9:30 pm
And yes, the last time that joke was funny was when the three wise men told it to Jesus. Sorry all.
36 Doug // Dec 10, 2008 at 10:51 pm
I’ve always thought that Joy Behar is the reincarnation of the Minoan Snake Goddess, albeit clad more appropriately for these repressive times…
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4a/Snake_Goddess_Crete_1600BC.jpg
37 Stretch99 // Dec 11, 2008 at 11:11 am
Hey Speedy
Do you like fast food?
38 JohnnyBoy // Dec 11, 2008 at 11:12 am
Did you ever consider that people become vegetarians not because they like animals, but because they enjoy killing vegetables?
39 JohnnyBoy // Dec 11, 2008 at 11:13 am
Hey, nice set of Minoans on that Snake Goddess
40 Speedy Cerviche // Dec 11, 2008 at 11:28 am
Stretch:
It ain’t my favorite. I’m a bit of a food snob, and I like to cook. However, I do enjoy the occasional In-N-Out burger, and I’ve been know to get an order or two of Del Taco chili cheese fries if the mood strikes (flashback to my high school days…).
But I won’t touch anything from McDonalds. Not even if you payed me money.
41 Voxone // Dec 11, 2008 at 11:39 am
Yikes! As a San Franciscan, thanks for the warning about Joy and Wing together in the same building; I will plan on being out of town that night. The vibrations from those two will, no doubt, cause the San Andreas Fault to slip sending most of Northern California cascading into the ocean. That is NOT how I planned to spend New Year’s Eve.
42 JohnnyBoy // Dec 11, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Speaking of vegetables, Sunny von Bülow passed away recently
43 Andre // Dec 11, 2008 at 1:31 pm
It must have been all that smoking that killed her.
44 JohnnyBoy // Dec 11, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I thought it was the airplanes that got her
Perhaps I’m thining of Kong von Bülow
45 JohnnyBoy // Dec 11, 2008 at 1:56 pm
thinking, not thining
46 JohnnyBoy // Dec 11, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I don’t know about the smoking, but if someone tried to maybe kill me, I’d be pretty steamed !
47 pal Jacky // Dec 11, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Q:what’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: the wheelchair.
I know it is on oldie, but it still makes me laugh.
48 pal Jacky // Dec 11, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I go to chains like ’steve’s burgers’ and “yaki maki’. They are a few bucks more than fast food, but they are worth it.
49 EverybodysLittlePony // Dec 11, 2008 at 5:13 pm
>>thinking, not thining
Hoooooold on there, Baba-Louie! I’ll do the thinin’ around here!
50 reformedmascot // Dec 11, 2008 at 5:32 pm
For reporters who “breathlessly hand out cool points,” morality is just another form of fashion — Feigned empathy for the oppressed, by Armani. Solidarity with the slaughtered animals, by Calvin Klein, etc. etc.
51 JohnnyBoy // Dec 11, 2008 at 8:19 pm
ok, I shall participate in no thinin’ then’
52 Knavish Rogue // Dec 11, 2008 at 11:08 pm
A moment of silence please for the late great Bettie Page.
Thank you.
53 JohnnyBoy // Dec 12, 2008 at 5:01 am
…………………
54 JohnnyBoy // Dec 12, 2008 at 5:01 am
Tor love Bettie !
55 Speedy Cerviche // Dec 12, 2008 at 5:44 pm
56 Speedy Cerviche // Dec 12, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Okay, moment of silence over.
God bless ya, Bettie. If entrance into heaven was based on how many boners you’ve given people, you’d get the presidential suite in paradise.
57 Andre // Dec 12, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Now a moment of silence for Van Johnson. Rumor has it he knew his way around boners, too
58 Stretch99 // Dec 12, 2008 at 7:34 pm
Andre-
by saying boner – your saying he knew his way around another man’s penis…?!
59 Andre // Dec 12, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Yes, and I wasn’t suggesting he was a closet urologist. Anyway, I only said “Rumor has it…” To paraphrase Tallulah Bankhead, “He never sucked my dick, darling.”
60 clevelandphil // Dec 13, 2008 at 12:08 am
He must’ve took “day without a gay” a little TOO serious.
61 Speedy Cerviche // Dec 13, 2008 at 12:58 am
“Mm, yeah, can’t come in to work today. I’m feelin’ a little queer.”
I really wanted to do that, I swear. But I couldn’t. I had a thing.
62 Andre // Dec 13, 2008 at 1:08 am
Clevelandphil…
Ouch…but very funny.
63 JohnnyBoy // Dec 13, 2008 at 9:15 am
Was that Eddie Van Johnson or Alex Van Johnson?
64 EverybodysLittlePony // Dec 13, 2008 at 12:51 pm
No, no, you’re thinking of Eddie and Alex Van Hefflin. Get it right!
65 JohnnyBoy // Dec 13, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Yes, of course…with Pinkie Lee Roth…I remember now
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