It’s hard to know when Christmas is coming in Southern California.
There isn’t that first snowfall in Cerritos. People aren’t suddenly nice to each other. And the only horses you see on the road are on their way to Farmer John’s.
We don’t have a Rockefeller Center; no iconic focal point where people gather to feel the magic of the season. The closest we get is The Grove, with the fake soapy snow and the giant Christmas tree. And instead of children ice skating with their little glowing faces, we have San Fernando Valley dickbags in Ed Hardy hats.
In L.A., Christmas is just another thing people pretend to do. They order their holiday dinners from Whole Foods, watch It’s a Wonderful Life on Blu-Ray™ and light another Duraflame “Crackling Fire Sounds” wax paper log. Tomorrow there will be a holiday Pilates marathon.
When every day feels the same, it’s hard to sense that subtle shift into magic time. The weather doesn’t change, the synthetic grass stays green, and no one really gives a shit. Sure, you see the occasional string of lights on apartment balconies, but those are usually meth labs, and those people leave that shit up all year.
So how can you tell that the holidays are upon us?
Well, I’ve narrowed it down to three very clear signs. Print them out if you need to, and refer to them whenever it just starts feeling like December.
1. THE ANNUAL CVS CHRISTMAS DISPLAY
John and I were walking through CVS the other day, refilling my Darvocet prescription (talk about Christmas spirit), when we came upon their beautiful holiday display.
I used to think the Christmas candle started burning when they put the bows on the meat at Gelson’s. But nothing really says “Happy Holidays” like this gesture.
It’s heartwarming, even if does seem like they put the bows on the toilets earlier every year.
2. WINTER COSTUMES
A few Christmases ago, I was in line at the grocery store. It was a typical winter day in the mid 70’s, and I noticed a woman behind me wearing a scarf, a wool hat and a tank top.
I realized this was the same sort of uniform I’d seen every winter in Los Angeles. And it dawned on me that this is actually a costume.
People in Los Angeles dress like they think cold people dress. They have no actual experience being cold, so they appropriate winter accessories they see in movies and magazines, and mix it in with their typical warm weather wardrobe. This results in such anomalies as down vests with tube tops , mini skirts with leg warmers and hot pants with Ugg boots.
So the next time you see a girl in bike shorts and a ski mask, you’ll know it’s either Christmas in Los Angeles, or she just robbed a Wells Fargo.
And finally . . .
3. BIG BEAR MOUNTAIN RESORTS TV COMMERCIALS
Yes, they’re here again! The commercials I write and produce with Mick are starting to air this week, and this year we have a new batch of three (last year’s are here).
This first one, entitled “Editorial”, has already started airing in San Diego. I’m not in this one, but I think it might be the best one of the three.
I’ll post the other two next week.
19 responses so far ↓
1 clevelandphil // Dec 13, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Anyone ever go to Candy Cane Lane when it was good?
2 SoCalFKK // Dec 13, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Three good laughs in a mere 30 seconds. The girl delivers again!
3 David // Dec 13, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I wonder what MyMonocle will say about this? Probably something along the lines of how wrong you are for ruining the Southern California Christmas spirit. Congrats on the Big Bear commercials. I’ll keep an eye out for them.
4 Speedy Cerviche // Dec 13, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Excellent commercial, as usual.
Am I wrong for seeing shades of the late, great Hal Fishman in that editorial? The big signature-scrawl in the background is a lovely touch.
Also, you need to get the hell out of the greater Los Angeles area. I acutely understand your holiday anguish, and believe me, it’s always better to flee from Hell-A ’round about early December, before all the Hummer H2s start sprouting wreaths. Don’t you have family in the flyover states or something?
5 adorisday // Dec 13, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Growing up here, I rather appreciated the brisk (68 degree) Christmas weather, especially on Christmas morning. We are about on the same latitude that Bethlehem was in L.A. so I figure ours is really the more traditional Christmas than any WASPy New England snow flurried holiday. Plus, there were more Jews in Encino where I grew up than just about anywhere else but Israel, so the feeling of a sunny, Jewish Christmas seems apt.
The Hal Fishman guy is great. The Jonathan Livingston Seagull backdrop is also great, as are the seventies cobalt blue and orange graphics. The Winchellesque head in the stove line and quick insert also great. April getting paid for her sarcasm and irony, also great.
6 JohnnyBoy // Dec 13, 2008 at 6:37 pm
“This is like, you’re almost glad to be handicapped. ”
Salesman – Seinfeld
7 Gina // Dec 14, 2008 at 12:30 am
Nothing says Christmas like limited mobility.
8 Knavish Rogue // Dec 14, 2008 at 9:27 am
Is that the Obama toilet seat lift? It seems like they have the same slogan.
9 Scott // Dec 14, 2008 at 9:52 am
What L.A. needs is a good old fashioned ice storm like New England got earlier this week. Scarf and a tank top! lol
10 joshpincusiscrying // Dec 14, 2008 at 9:58 am
What about Chanukah? How does Chanukah get represented in Southern California? I don’t see latkes on the menu at the Disneyland Hotel buffet?
11 eBayEnigma // Dec 14, 2008 at 10:40 am
Outstanding commercial as usual!
12 eBayEnigma // Dec 14, 2008 at 10:41 am
Oh yes, one more thing. Nothing says “Christmas” like an orthopedic toilet!
13 April // Dec 14, 2008 at 11:31 am
@joshpincusiscrying – There are two Chanukah offerings in Los Angeles. One is the car that drives around with a giant electric menorah duct taped to the roof. The other is the giant menorah outside of Gelson’s.
Between that and the chocolate covered matzohs, it’s magical time.
14 Dave M. // Dec 14, 2008 at 4:58 pm
This IS Big Christmas heat!!!
15 davidhazard71 // Dec 15, 2008 at 1:33 pm
oh it’s such a hoot to see a commercial where snow is just a short drive away. We just got slammed with an ice storm that some people still don’t have power because of it. You all are lucky out there weather wise. Happy Holidays …and can’t wait to see the other two commericals.
16 jim // Dec 15, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Yuletide in Cali – yeah, that just HAS to get surreal. I can readily picture some mindless rich hump importing a flock of reindeer, then grinning & shrugging Alfred-E-Neuman-style when the poor buggers go psychotic as they succumb to heatstroke.
Mmm, venison!
It snowed lightly here Saturday & any resemblance to a winter wonderland was promptly blown away by one mean PMS’ing bitch of a wind – which has yet to, er, chill out … & being from the praries, I was already aware of how ironically entertaining it can be to feel one’s nuts bounce off the inside of one’s collarbone within 1.5 seconds of going outside.
Fond memories of youth in the Land Of Wonder that was Saskatchewan – like yanking parts of my ice-bound eyebrows off at school when I took my glasses off to clean them … or geting home & idly wondering if maybe I’d find a loose toe rolling around in one of my socks while I pulled them off. Ah, the good old days!
If it wasn’t for all that mulled wine & Xmas loot, winter would already be banned.
17 Stretch99 // Dec 15, 2008 at 2:42 pm
The poor angel – getting caught in a flurry of bukkaee
18 JohnnyBoy // Dec 15, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Thank you Stretch99…I was waiting for someone to say something !
Let’s start off with “Angels with Spermy Faces” and move on to “O Cum All Ye Faceful” and “We Jizz You a Merry Christmas”
Glad that’s off my chest, so to speak
19 JohnnyBoy // Dec 15, 2008 at 2:52 pm
trying to work in Ebenezer Spooge somehow also
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