Okay, so remember a few years ago when I was broke, and going out with that douchebag? Remember that? Remember how I was in such bad shape that I had to beg for money on the site?
Well, I mean I’ve blocked it out, but you might have it in your Google cache.
Anyway, that was embarrassing, huh? Really just a big humiliation sandwich. But I’ve come along way since then. Really a long way. And that’s just not something I would ever do now. No way.
Where was I going with this?
Oh yes. I have 30 days to raise $8,000.
No, no, wait, this isn’t anything like last time. This is happy begging! I’m in escrow!
So I am going to be launching a fund raising offensive over here, and I’m going to start by selling everything that isn’t nailed down. Good stuff too, like memorabilia, collectibles, letters from Kevin Spacey, Disneyana and rare Paul Winchell ephemera.
I’m even selling a signed and numbered Mary Ryden lithograph, a signed an numbered edition of Anima Mundi and a little sketch Mark did for me on a Christmas card years ago. That’s actually valuable!
What else?
Oh, okay, how about this? How about the book Martha Stewart signed for me on her show, and the yellow rain slicker I wore with the Hello My Name Is April sticker on it? And a signed 8 x 10? Okay, that’s maybe not as valuable as the Mark Ryden stuff, but hell, it was on television and everything!
Gina had an interesting idea, too. She suggested that if I hit the $8,000 mark, I do a live videocast on Ustream! I don’t even know what that is, but I’ll do it!
Or wait – you can hire me to do shit! Outgoing messages, ringtones, phone calls to loved ones, happy birthday songs, wake up calls, whatever. I’ll even call your mom and tell her off for you. What do I care? I wasn’t in the will anyhow.
And did you notice that some kind soul took out an ad to say Happy Anniversary to their loved one? How cute is that? $20 for a week of publicly displayed affection, or even hostility! How about that? Take out an ad just to say, “Hey fuckace, eat my ass!” That beats the hell out of a Forget Me Not™ bouquet!
Of course, you can always just click the picture of the house up there and go to Paypal, and slip me a couple of bucks for services rendered. If every person who downloaded those Obama mp3s gave me a penny, I’d have over $30,000 (and if your mother had a dick, she’d be your father).
Or you could just donate to my house fund out of good old fashioned decency, or empathy, or gratitude, or guilt or whatever else I can get over on you.
So that’s what’s going on over here for the next month. Sell, sell, sell.
A Dub is in the house!
Or she will be when escrow closes.
As always, a portion of every sale and donation will benefit Project Angel Food, a charitable organization in Los Angeles which delivers lovingly prepared meals to men, women and children living with AIDS.
28 responses so far ↓
1 coasterboy // May 22, 2009 at 7:50 pm
So…you puttin this stuff on Ebay? Or what?
2 Gina // May 22, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Food for thought: Free Republic is home to the most homophobic and racist fucktards on the internet. They have quarterly fundraisers, each with a target of $80,000. That’s $320,000 for a place where people talk about how they wish it was legal to kill fags at random and how awful it is that White House is occupied by a couple of uppity thugs. As of an hour ago, they had raised $72,000 for this quarter.
Just saying.
3 Andre // May 22, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Will you show me your boobs?
4 April // May 22, 2009 at 8:30 pm
See if you can find me.
5 Gina // May 22, 2009 at 8:32 pm
I will, Andre!
6 Ira Shlamazel // May 22, 2009 at 8:52 pm
I’d buy a new podcast.
I’m just sayin’.
Seriously. Entertainment- it’s what you’re really good at.
You have the technology, so- pardon my Icelandic, what the fuck are you waiting for?
7 djs94124 // May 22, 2009 at 11:33 pm
April, I just sent you $20.00. I’ll try to send more $$ come payday. You’re a good cause.
Dan
n.cal
8 adorisday // May 23, 2009 at 10:29 am
I guess I’m proud to have been booted off of FreeRepublic about five times now. But partisan idiocy runs the gamut from FR to DU; there is no refuge except in comedy.
About the closing fees, I’m thinking about it, April: at moment some Aussie who bought some Russel Wright lamps off me has my PayPal jacked up.
9 Ira Shlamazel // May 23, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Doris, never use PayPal for overseas transactions- I’ve been screwed every single time! Western Union is the only way- cash is cash. And you have payment in just hours, buyer can do it over the phone- very convenient. If buyer objects- they probably want to rip you off.
(Funny- I got screwed by someone in Australia, too.)
10 John Foley // May 23, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Australia is peopled entirely by criminals.
11 Scott // May 23, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Welcome to the land of perpetual debt. I would love to help but there’s this thing I have called a mortgage and mine’s not even one of those bad loans.
12 eeeor // May 23, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Do the things you’re selling include nekkid pictures of your mister? Because I think you could make quite the haul on those alone….
13 April // May 23, 2009 at 8:28 pm
You’ll have to take that up with him. I think a calendar is in order.
14 steve // May 23, 2009 at 10:19 pm
I want Liza. Name your price.
15 steve // May 23, 2009 at 10:20 pm
ditto a Foley calendar.
16 April // May 23, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Liza? Do you mean the Liza doll I made a few years ago, or Liza herself?
17 coasterboy // May 23, 2009 at 10:58 pm
I’d pay handsomely for a Foley Calendar. Appropriately splayed in every empty room of the new house….
18 TalkinHorse // May 24, 2009 at 3:33 am
Okay, I admit that I haven’t been giving April’s page my full attention lately, so maybe I missed some crucial detail, and I risk making a fool of myself by commenting here. But where did this come from? Is $8,000 the full down payment for some toxic waste dump on an earthquake fault? And, since April’s been working lately, presumably $8,000 is not an overwhelming sum. It’s a feast-or-famine industry, but I got the impression she’s feasting for the moment. I do recall the previous humiliation…in fact, I was too polite to mention it, but I do believe some of us are owed a few dollars of credit at Mr. Wrong’s soon-to-be-opened clothing outlet. But in light of the entire world economy going down the tubes, I guess we can let that slide. But what is this place? If we contribute, can we come crash there when civilization collapses and we start to eat each other (and not in a nice way)? Maybe we can rebuild society based upon the remaining fragments of April’s webpage. On second thought, maybe I’ll just stay here and get eaten.
19 April // May 24, 2009 at 9:28 am
Talkinhorse, Everything I raise in the next month goes to my closing costs, which are about $8K. So yes, 8K is not an overwhelming sum, but added to the 10% down payment I’ve already saved, it’s at least partially whelming.
And an another note, be exceedingly glad Guido’s House of Jersey Chic never opened their doors. You have enough silkscreened glittering mesh T-shirts.
20 John Foley // May 24, 2009 at 10:21 am
What if I wanted some nice pinky-rings?
21 TalkinHorse // May 24, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Ah, that’s clearer…I’d taken the $8,000 as the down payment, which would have implied some very cheap property, which would have implied some very remote property. So this doesn’t necessarily mean April is fleeing today’s rat race or tomorrow’s Armageddon. She has, however, switched her appeal from clothing costs to closing costs.
22 Stretch99 // May 24, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Andre – you are soooo silly
23 steve // May 24, 2009 at 11:14 pm
the toy. I photoshopped it onto the back of the poodle last year. you should do another one of those (the poodle, not liza).
24 DavidinBerkeley // May 26, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Since she’s on good terms with Mick, has snagged JF, and already has some of Patrick, I was going to suggest she get a complete set of pictures of all of them wearing her hose and undies. Enlarged, they would make a triptych, that would look nice over someone’s couch.
But I’ll settle for a calendar.
25 DavidinBerkeley // May 26, 2009 at 12:43 pm
If you have the listener-ship, I’d agree with Ira and say sell a podcast. Maybe get JF to do a Barry White-type song on it. Half the men here would pay for that.
26 jaxworlds // May 27, 2009 at 9:03 am
Houseparty! $50 at the door and BOB.. okay who is hosting the April .. fun raiser? I’m in.. April deals at the poker table.. right? Did I mention there is gambling?
27 DavidinBerkeley // May 27, 2009 at 11:43 am
January – JF as Baby New Year, wearing only a strategically low-hanging diaper.
February – Valentine’s theme with JF holding a strategically-placed (and very large) piece of chocolate.
March – Lying barefoot (up to his eyebrows) on his stomach in a field of clover (lucky clover!).
April – April Winchell stands strategically-placed in front of ….
Oh, you get the idea.
28 DavidinBerkeley // May 27, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Actually Jax is not far from a good idea.
Why not have a party where AW does her shtick for a couple of sets, with a cover charge and BYOB? Have it in the garage of a sympathetic friend? Or a yard sale with her doing stand-up?
Well, that’s the last of my good ideas. Anything now would just be backwash…
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