All over the world, people are opening their doors and finding sacks of crap on the doorstep, bursting with shoddy merchandise and barely edible candy.
I know it sounds a like a Czech fairy tale, but it’s all too true!
My patented, lovingly assembled Sacks O’ Crap™ are bringing happiness to people the world over!
But don’t have to take my word for it. Listen to what so many satisfied sacksters have to say about their purchases:
I got not one but 2 dirty booklets that show the fuller brush man sporting a Tom of Finland sized erection pounding away at a 50’s housewife. The booklets are great because they are the same size and shape as the pamphlets that christian ministries hand out. I intend to make copies and carry with me at all times. The next time I am asked where I intend to spend eternity, the fuller bushman is gonna answer for me.
The crown jewel of the collection is The Best Of The Battle Of The Network Stars. The cover promises Scott Baio, Gabe Kaplan, Tina Youthers and Donna Dixion. Oh April you excite me! You excite me and you KNEW that I would be excited. That’s why you included a tube of Las Vegas themed KY Jelly. Lord knows I am going to need it.
This is such good shit. How did you know The Ladies Man was my favorite Jerry Lewis movie? Oh, that scene! With the guy with the hat with the lining? A RIOT. And the girl? Practicing her scenes at the door to her dorm room, with the slapping and the slamming? I’ve saved my TV/VCR combo expressly for the day when I would get this VHS tape!
I can’t decide what I like the best – the Limoges SPAM can, the beautiful scarf or the strange book. All great and beautifully packaged. You put a lot of work in those sewn pieces! You made my shitty day – by sending me crap. Who knew?
“My Sack O’ Crap flushed my cares away, like the suction of an airplane toilet! In my opinion, it’s not crap at all, but I suppose calling it the ‘Bag of Miscellaneous Items of Subjective Value’ was kinda long.”
“The ‘Tribute to Liberace’ cassette tape isn’t crap at all! We will treasure this forever – unopened of course. We wouldn’t want all that gay getting on the carpet.”
“Our Sack o’ Crap arrived today… and talk about truth in advertising! I never saw so much crap shoved into a handmade drawstring bag with a googly-eyed piece of shit sewn on it in my life. We loved everything from the Super Tootsie Pops (two flavors!) to the vintage Variety magazine! My wife thought the mini comics were cool, until I explained that they were Tijuana Bibles. And then I had to explain what that meant.”
Well, there you have it. Words of praise from people who know their shit.
And the best part of all of this is that the crap store is back in business! Yes, after a temporary blockage, I have been restocked with high quality garbage, and I’m ready to start stuffing your sack!
If you’d like to be one of the cool kids and get your own Sack O’ Crap™, just place your order below. You can get a medium sack for $30 or a big ass sack for $50. Or you can just get the handmade sack itself for $15.00.
And you can customize your sack! There’s a field for special requests, and I’ll do my best to make it happen. Name your color, interests, specify gender, or just fill the box with dirty words. Whatever.
I think I can do about 10 more, so order up, Crapsters!
9 responses so far ↓
1 DavidinBerkeley // Jun 19, 2009 at 1:21 pm
AW needs to post a gas-gauge-thingy that shows us how empty her garage of crap is getting.
2 DavidinBerkeley // Jun 19, 2009 at 1:25 pm
You know, a custom “sack-only” would make you stand out from the grocery shoppers who bring their own bags to the Pack-and-Save.
Or better yet, buy 2!
3 pal Jacky // Jun 19, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I got no less than 5 porno comics. I thought they were religious tracts as well. Boy do they take me back to the world of 13 year old boy and the ‘underground’ comics at the back of geoffrey’s. . nostalgia, the statute of limitations. all the best things in life aren’t free they happened during the seventies.
4 TalkinHorse // Jun 19, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Wow, it sounds like April’s breaking out a collection of Tijuana bibles. Presumably these are reprints; genuine Tijuana bibles are collectible items (not necessarily worth big money, but at least a few bucks), and would be worthy of their own auctions. Hmmm, what’s April doing with this stuff? Some of it might be of peripheral professional interest to her, or at least the sort of thing that’s near and dear to her heart, since they involve mocking celebrities and cartoon characters. Or maybe she found Knucklehead Smiff’s private stash.
For further examples, visit http://www.tijuanabibles.org. Warning: Puerile content.
5 pal Jacky // Jun 19, 2009 at 4:49 pm
The plastic bag was labeled ‘tijuana bibles’ and therefore I thought they were these:
http://www.chick.com/default.asp
I was wondering how april knew they were my favorites.
They look so un-uniform and in various states of yellowing that it wouldn’t surprise me if they were original.
6 pal Jacky // Jun 20, 2009 at 11:54 am
talkin’
Do any of the sites actually have some kind of coherent list of what is what. history, publication era etc The six I got is as follows
1: Casey Ruggles-
2:Chaing Kai-chek: victory and rape
3:Fritzi Ritz by ernie bushmiller
4: uncle willie’s last buzz
5: woozey winks ‘ableley assisted by plasticman
6: blank cover-story featuring little orphan annie getting fucked by both daddy warbucks and her dog Sandy.
7 TalkinHorse // Jun 21, 2009 at 12:10 am
Hi, Jacky, I’m not exactly an expert on this stuff, beyond a general interest in certain strains of nostalgia. The Tijuana Bibles are an interesting genre, but they’re not of enough quality to hold my interest…not exactly high art, if you know what I mean. (If you saw the Watchmen movie, you may remember a passing reference to a Tijuana Bible featuring the Silk Spectre.)
Anyway, there’s plenty of general interest and a few students of the art, but I don’t know how comprehensive the various references are. If you’re enthusiastic enough, you can try emailing the contact address at http://www.tijuanabibles.org/. That site also references another site, http://www.tijuanabible.org/tijuana_bibles.html, which seems more of a commercial venture…you can check their prices for reprints, and see if you find your bibles listed (at a glance, I don’t see the ones you named). I’m assuming your copies seem relatively fresh and are presumably reprints, rather than old stock. As I said, it would be surprising if April’s bag o’ crap included material of serious collector value.
Okay, I’m cracking open the one book I have on the subject. Hey, here’s a TB with Charlie McCarthy in “Using a Wooden One”. Hmmm, I don’t suppose there are any illicit tales involving Paul Winchell and his merry gang? Probably not; this art form was in serious decline by the 1950’s.
8 pal Jacky // Jun 21, 2009 at 11:47 am
They are not reprints.
They look like they were printed in the sixties or seventies. I’m almost ‘49 and I know what my original r.crumb comics look like today.
They could be ‘forgeries’. But I don’t think they are worth that much that someone would actually do that.
My guess is that like much in ‘the bags of crap’ there are items that one could find someone willing to pay a small fortune for.
9 TalkinHorse // Jun 21, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Jacky, that’s interesting. The origin of most Tijuana Bibles is cloaked in mystery, since the creators and purveyors were at risk. The connoisseurs have fun sorting them out as best they can, but of course it’s all speculative. For example, I see essays by modern comic artist Art Spiegelman (best known for the fascinating “Maus” books) in which he pins on one prolific bible artist the nickname of “Mr. Dyslexic”, based upon characteristic misspellings. But who was the man behind the mask?
On your list is the “Chaing Kai-chek: Victory and Rape” 8-pager, which I’ve got a picture of here. Since the theme is the retreat of the Chinese nationalists and the victory of the communists, this probably came out about 1949. It mentions Madame Chaing and Joe Stalin, but not Mao; maybe his name hadn’t become so well-known then?
FWIW, Tijuana Bibles come and go on eBay. At this moment, you’ll find about a dozen if you search on keywords “Tijuana Bible” in the “Adults only” section. Looks like a single collector/seller offering individual issues at $9.99; click the “Completed items” to see what sold and what listings expired without sale. So it’s not like these are worth a fortune or get snapped up, but genuine bibles are certainly a sweet deal for a “bag o’ crap”.
We could have some fun speculating about how April took possession of this stuff. Considering its age and target audience, my first guess is it came by way of Paul Winchell. And why didn’t she unload it in a way that it would go to a collector and maybe bring her more money? These aren’t urgent questions, and I know April will tell us if she wants us to know.