Oh, what a crushing blow.
Yesterday, when I snagged tickets to see Liza at the Morongo Casino, I was so high. Not quite as high as Liza, but still, pretty high.
Today comes the flipside of happiness; the inevitable, soul crushing disappointment. What comes up, must come down. Spinning wheel, got to go round. You know what I’m talking about.
The point is, I bought this yesterday, in anticipation of the big event. I wanted to wear it to the show, as a tribute.
I mean, this is definitely the way to honor someone’s musical genius. Not to mention the fact that Nate Giorgio has just been airbrushing around the clock to get this piggy to market.
And I also bought this, because it too, is a fitting tribute. And you can wear it with anything.
I don’t know. It just seemed like the right thing to do. And they’re both available on the installment plan, so there’s no reason not to.
Besides, what if the glistening Swarovski crystals caught Liza’s eye as she stammered through the Kander and Ebb medley? What if she stopped the show, all Patti LuPone like, and demanded to know who was glittering in the upper tier? I could stand up, and sob, “Liza! It’s my Michael Jackson commemorative charm bracelet!”
And she would blink back tears, and I would start to sing, softly . . .
You and I must make a pact
We must bring salvation back
Just call my name . . .
And people would start to stand, one by one, picking up the refrain when it stuck in our throats.
Christ, is that a beautiful piece of imagery or what? It’s like something Aaron Sorkin would write, only a lot shorter.
Anyway, it all came crashing down when I got a receipt from CollectiblesToday.com, with the following heartbreaking words:
Estimated shipping: Ships in 6 – 8 weeks
What?
Six to eight weeks?
Okay, granted, he still won’t be buried by then, but come on! You’ve got to strike while the body is warm. I can’t sustain my grief for two more months. I’m already losing interest.
What could I do? I canceled my order. Wearing Michael Jackson jewelry in September is going to be like wearing white after labor day.
I only hope that Nate Giorgio learns from this, and is hard at work on that limited edition White Diamonds decanter.
57 responses so far ↓
1 TalkinHorse // Jul 3, 2009 at 2:07 pm
There is something utterly terrifying about a speck of vulgar kitsch that costs $79 and can be financed in four low, easy payments of $19.75. I don’t suppose they take food stamps?
2 tear it up... // Jul 3, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I found two, sent you an email!
3 PeekaBooRevue // Jul 3, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Oh, April….
4 RCoA // Jul 3, 2009 at 3:17 pm
So the bracelet will be in next year’s bags of crap?
5 Dylan // Jul 3, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I’m waiting for someone to make a charm bracelet that has little crystal affidavits and wine bottles hanging off of it.
6 socalmom // Jul 3, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Does it even need to be said that wearing Michael Jackson in September IS wearing white after Labor Day????
7 coasterboy // Jul 3, 2009 at 3:52 pm
I was thinking the trinkets would feature pictures of his favorite boys….
8 Glo // Jul 3, 2009 at 5:18 pm
If it would in any way sooth your disapointment, you could borrow the gloves. May I suggest one of each.
9 Mavis // Jul 3, 2009 at 7:03 pm
April, go to one of those cheap jewelry kiosks in the mall closest to you and make your own MJ bracelet.
P.S. you live in California, you know we wear white after labor day.
10 pal Jacky // Jul 3, 2009 at 7:19 pm
don’t mention patti lapone around a real music lover. I always thought Ute Lemper was the worst excuse for a Kurt weill singer ever, Until I walked out of the L.A. opera’s production of ‘the rise and fall of the city of mahagonny’ starring Ms. Lapone. She needs to be gang raped like the female author with three names in Nathanel west’s ‘miss lonelyhearts’.
Don’t think I’m being all art phony about such things either. The greatest kurt weill singer since Lotte Lenya is Marianne Faithful. being a former junkie and former Mick Jagger soulmate and muse sort of transcends traditional operatic training when it comes to kurt weill.
11 pal Jacky // Jul 3, 2009 at 7:22 pm
How pissed off is Emmanuel lewis? He was the only kid with no molestation rumors swirling around him.
That could really damage his self esteem.
That and being replaced by Bubbles.
12 Auntie Vera Charles // Jul 3, 2009 at 7:39 pm
I’m sorry, but is NO ONE ELSE disturbed by the look on Liza’s face?!!?
I smell fish.
13 joshpincusiscrying // Jul 4, 2009 at 10:31 am
The glove on the charm bracelet seems to be giving the finger. You should have taken the hint.
14 rmsrmsrms // Jul 4, 2009 at 11:26 am
OK, I realize that normally it is NOBODY business what one choose to spend money on (and I am asking for some poison arrow response from April). . . but given all the effort April has gone through to come up with money to buy a house, I really end up wondering if this is the best use of $214 at this very particular time????
15 John Foley // Jul 4, 2009 at 11:32 am
rmsrmsrms-
The house has been put on hold for now. April covered it in a podcast. We’re going to take some time off, just live our lives and do things that make us happy.
16 rmsrmsrms // Jul 4, 2009 at 11:51 am
In that case, as Roseanne Roseannadanna would say – “Never Mind”.
So sorry to hear that the house through.
17 rmsrmsrms // Jul 4, 2009 at 11:52 am
that should be “fell” through
18 TalkinHorse // Jul 4, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Mr. RootMeanSquare*3 touches on a deep philosophical question: How do we justify our ridiculous personal indulgences when there’s always a more vital task at hand, either in our personal lives or in some remote hellhole? In a desperately troubled world, I like to think we get some leeway for pleasures, providing they don’t suck up our entire life energies. In April’s case, there are a couple of special factors in the mix. As an entertainer, she’s got to pursue this stuff because it’s part of her shtick. And her vital reserves of crap have been severely depleted by the recent fire sale. The crap flow out, so the crap must be replenished. It’s the ebb and flow of April’s personal ecosystem, and the “green” thing to do is applaud it.
19 pal Jacky // Jul 4, 2009 at 7:22 pm
I actually agree with talking horse on this.
It is an investment to further april’s worldview.
I think the hardest part will be keeping her obvious contempt hidden in a crowd of diehard Liza fans,
kind of like pretending to have already turned in ‘invasion of the body snatchers’.
Does anyone know a link to the ‘freaks’ poster april
did around the time of Liza’s wedding?
20 rmsrmsrms // Jul 5, 2009 at 1:15 pm
In my defense, I attempted to use some very distinct words in my original comment. I wrote:
“at this very particular time”
When I wrote that, I thought April was still trying to raise money to buy a house (and I was even waiting for the next batch of sacks of crap to come out in order to help her do that). I thought it would go nice with the little Suri “doll” I bought from April a few years ago.
Given that premise, I wrote what I did. Now that I know that the house hunting went bust – well I take it all back.
21 bnaivar // Jul 6, 2009 at 4:33 am
Hmmm…I’d better get that Clarabelle cowbell on order. Just in case.
22 Auntie Vera Charles // Jul 6, 2009 at 8:54 am
So April, what are you gonna wear to the show?
Oh, ow, ooo, oh.
23 DavidinBerkeley // Jul 6, 2009 at 12:06 pm
“Her vital reserves of crap have been severely depleted by the recent fire sale. The crap flow out, so the crap must be replenished. It’s the ebb and flow of April’s personal ecosystem”
I wish I’d written this.
24 TalkinHorse // Jul 6, 2009 at 4:16 pm
DavidinBerkeley, you just did.
25 clevelandphil // Jul 6, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Janet from Three’s Company has been arrested on a DUI. Check our her mug shot.
26 ShannonS // Jul 7, 2009 at 6:53 am
In regards to the first comment by rmsrmsrms
Don’t feel bad, that was my instant reaction when I read the post too.
Then I thought, “No, she isn’t going to REALLY buy this. This is satire. It’s part of the ‘bit’.”
But even if she did, I realized that it was none of my damn business.
On the house hunting aspect. Sure take a break but I bet April and John have already at least peeked at the MLS. Once you start the hunt you are hooked.
27 Stretch99 // Jul 7, 2009 at 10:31 am
A little hair pulling at the right time is a good thing – YES?!
Well then there is trichotillomania…
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8132387.stm
OCD x 1000
28 Stretch99 // Jul 7, 2009 at 10:41 am
UPI: EL SEGUNDO, Calif., July 7 (UPI) — Former television actress Joyce DeWitt (OH BURN) has been arrested and charged with alleged drunken driving, police in El Segundo, Calif., said.
Three’s Company? Sounds like she’s been spending time with Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam and Jack Daniels…
29 DavidinBerkeley // Jul 7, 2009 at 10:50 am
Good news for AW’s house-hunting woes:
The Neverland estate will probably be up for sale soon.
30 Stretch99 // Jul 7, 2009 at 11:19 am
Darkness falls
across the land
The midnite hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize your neighbourhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And rot inside a corpses shell
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzy ghouls from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body
starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of MICHAEL JACKSON
(cue wicked LAUGH)
seems appropriate…
31 pal Jacky // Jul 7, 2009 at 11:44 am
I can’t be the only one jealous that Micheal Jackson had his own personal anesthesiologist on call.
My grandfather didn’t even have that when he was on hospice.
Nope, dying at home is overrated unless one has his own I.V. tower filled with the good stuff.
Notes to MJ suckers. if drugs weaken your body to the point where you have a major heart attack, drugs have killed you.
twenty million bucks is a little much to pay off a baseless ‘nuisance’ lawsuit.
32 pal Jacky // Jul 7, 2009 at 11:52 am
while I’m bitching on moaning. Let’s not forget drugs and heath ledger.
Taking another person’s meds happens. Dental pain,can’t sleep. a friend with a few extra vicoden in their medicine cabinet.
That said, Taking another person’s meds when you’ve got a whole stash of your own is drug addict behavior.
This is from a man who is currently eyeing my 16 year old dog’s muscle relaxants(’methocarbimol’) thinking ‘a quarter tablet for her 15lbs means at 165, I better take at least three, four to be sure.
33 Stretch99 // Jul 7, 2009 at 12:03 pm
“…a combination of low self esteem, low blood sugar and mixing red wine with my dogs pain medication…”
—The Stephanie Miller Show
34 Stretch99 // Jul 7, 2009 at 2:08 pm
CNN BREAKING NEWS:
At memorial service in L.A., Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris says he was “the best father you could ever imagine.”
35 pal Jacky // Jul 7, 2009 at 5:34 pm
of course she thought he was. He dressed that bitch up like Mardi gras 365 days a year.
Al sharpton statement that ‘he wasn’t strange, strange things jut happened to him’. was the most disturbing. Sleeping in the same bed with a 12 year old boy is strange even if nothing happens like Jackson claimed. For an accused child molester to name an adopted son ‘blanket’ is more than strange.
36 clevelandphil // Jul 7, 2009 at 7:57 pm
If Michael Jackson had died the same day as Heath Ledger, would Heath Ledger still have won the Academy Award?
37 DavidinBerkeley // Jul 8, 2009 at 11:59 am
I had another Liza Dream last night.
She was actually really nice, so it pains me to say she was wearing a really unflattering wig.
38 DavidinBerkeley // Jul 8, 2009 at 12:01 pm
If you want to hear about Mac & Sully’s 4th of July adventure, listen to Auntie Vera’s podcast:
http://www.mevio.com/episode/163026/Vera+Speaks+-+Show+281
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=270123879
39 pal Jacky // Jul 8, 2009 at 1:37 pm
heath ledger was a great actor. But c’mon his performance in ‘Batman’ sucked balls. Actually every performance in ‘batman’ sucked balls. it has made so much money, i’m probably the only one wondering what the fuck happened to the director, christopher nolan. I just got ‘memento’ on blu-ray and what a great film that is. Then Nolan did that miserable remake of ‘insomnia’ and then those ‘batman’ films. throw in thatat horrible magician piece of shit that I keep getting mixed up with another magician piece of shit that came out about the same time-one was called ‘the prestige’ and I don’t care which. not worth the google search to find out.
40 Stretch99 // Jul 8, 2009 at 3:45 pm
…I’ve always considered things that SUCK a GOOD thing..
but sucking balls – meh— licked vigerously NOW YOUR TALKING!!!
41 Doug // Jul 8, 2009 at 8:15 pm
The worst thing about MJ’s death is that it gives the media an excuse to give airtime to Al Sharpton. Talk about your smooth criminals.
42 pal Jacky // Jul 8, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Why are they still giving air-time to sarah Palen?
“i’m ready for my close up Mr. DeMille” and so cameras come running. Then she whines ‘the media is being mean’ No shit bitch, it is called politics and when are you gonna start acting like a ‘pitbull with lipstick’.
Furthermore, rush limbaugh doesn’t seem to remember calling Chealsea clinton ugly when he babbles on how the media is treating sarah’s little darlings.
43 Ira Shlamazel // Jul 8, 2009 at 10:48 pm
I am going to say something awful. But this is April’s site, so fuck it- I’m just going to say it:
Sarah Palin really needs to be donkey punched by 22 frat boys.
There. I feel better. I got that off my tits.
Oh, and Todd looks like a hobo. I imagine that’s what happens when you fuck Greta Van Sustern.
Sarah Palin makes me a misogynous. Not generally, just her.
She need’s to wear white- like all the other household appliances. Trig? Seriously?? Fuck you, Sarah, and your stupid kid’s names!!!!!
Ahhh. I need a cigarette.
pal Jacky- I think I am falling in love with you. And your big box of crazy!
PS- I’ve had tequila, so I am not responsible for this post.
44 Ira Shlamazel // Jul 8, 2009 at 10:49 pm
That was meant to say “misogynous asshole”
45 Stretch99 // Jul 9, 2009 at 10:22 am
Say what you will about Todd – he may be as dumb as a stump but he sure knows how to plow snow….. (nudge nudge..wink wink)
46 Andre // Jul 9, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Nothing like reasoned political debate, is there Ira?
Let me try. “I think Michelle Obama looks like an alcoholic whore.” Hey that’s fun! And easy! Let me try again. “I hope Barney Frank gets raped by a pack of rabid weasels.” Noel Coward, eat your heart out. “I hope someone pushes Nancy Pelosi in front of a DC Metro train.” Wheeeee!
Not only is it political…it’s HI-larious!
47 Ira Shlamazel // Jul 9, 2009 at 8:37 pm
I’m sorry, Andre- This has NOTHING to do with politics. This is about a pathetically stupid woman with a REALLY annoying Minnesota accent who can’t seem to talk with anything remotely resembling intelligence, or A FUCKING COMMA!!
If she were a democrat, I’D STILL HATE HER!
Your other comments, “Michelle Obama looks like an alcoholic whore” etc. are really pretty stupid. They are not at all the same. Whether I agree with Mrs. Obama, Mr. Franks and Speaker Pelosi or not, AT LEAST THEY CAN CONVEY A COHERENT MESSAGE!!!
Oh, and they didn’t QUIT every single college and job they ever had!! They never paraded there unwed teenage daughter for all the world to see while screaming “Abstinence is the only way!”
See the difference?
I’m pretty sure more people agree with my opinion of Palin than your opinion of Mrs. Obama. Why? BECAUSE MICHELE OBAMA CAN MAKE SENSE WHEN SHE SPEAKS, by golly you bet-cha!
Have you not heard her interviews in the waders?!?
I forget who said it, but it sums it up perfectly: “Never have so many words been used to say so very little.”
I have several friends who are republicans who absolutely DESPISE the Palin creature, for precisely the same reasons!
If you are actually trying to defend the trifle that is Palin, well, then why are you here? This site is a little high-brow for Palin supporters.
If you are just annoyed that it seemed political and not really appropriate for this site, then I am sorry. It was simply a forum I felt comfortable writing “donkey-punch”.
48 Wikipedia talk:Userboxes/New Userboxes/Archive 12 » Lotte Lenya // Jul 10, 2009 at 9:46 am
[...] April Winchell » And then, disappointment [...]
49 Stretch99 // Jul 10, 2009 at 10:41 am
“The govenour of South Carolina likes Argentinian HOOKERS.
THERE I’VE SAID IT !!!!!
50 Ira Shlamazel // Jul 10, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Ahhhhh. There, now we’re fair and balanced.
Dianne Feinstein often forgets where her keys are.
If we keep this up, April will be the new Drudge!
51 Stretch99 // Jul 10, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Senetor Larry Craig’s favorite movie is “Happy Feet”
52 Ira Shlamazel // Jul 10, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Congresswoman Michele Bachmann- epic cRaZy!
53 Andre // Jul 10, 2009 at 4:46 pm
I forgive you, Ira. I thought you were being political, but you just think a woman should be savagely beaten because she talks funny.
Nothin’ hateful about that.
54 pal Jacky // Jul 10, 2009 at 6:34 pm
palen is batshit crazy. More specifically she’s a delusional hypocrite. If maxine waters got the media attention palen got I would suggest her being anally raped by magic johnson without a condom as well.
An unfunny black man with giant penis transmiting AIDS reference. What do I win?
55 Ira Shlamazel // Jul 10, 2009 at 11:29 pm
A single walnut.
56 Ira Shlamazel // Jul 10, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Andre-
If that’s how you distill all that I said, down to that one summery of violence, then I can’t help you.
It matters not what I said, just what you want me to have said.
57 April Winchell - tutorial aa14489 // Jul 22, 2009 at 12:58 am
[...] April Winchell » And then, disappointment [...]
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