There are a lot of things that are wrong with this country right now.
There’s an unchecked media, trafficking in fear and misinformation for profit. Politicians more beholden to lobbyists than their constituents. A growing climate of cruelty and violence, and the death of intelligent discourse.
But nothing comes closer to destroying America than celebrities naming their children.
Think about it. We’re not just talking about Apple and Talullah Belle and Moxie Crimefighter in group therapy in 2012. There are people in this world who are profoundly influenced by decisions the celebrities make. There are even people who subscribe to GOOP without irony.
That means there are people in the world right now who are naming their children the way the stars do. In the future, there will be entire cities of people named after household objects and types of produce.
“The chair recognizes Edward Cullen Cherimoya Voldemort Kardashian.”
Is this the future you want?
And while we’re on the subject of dipshit celebrities, explain this fucking quote to me:
Oh, okay. Got it.
I might have thought you wanted to spend your life with someone you were deeply connected to. Someone who shared the same vision of the future. Someone who was less invested in what your dreams were, than you actually achieving them.
Turns out it was all about the cardigan. You and Fred Rogers. Mazel Tov.
I hear they’re registered at Talbots.
19 responses so far ↓
1 John Foley // Sep 14, 2009 at 12:26 pm
“It’s not about celebrity or not. I mean, yes, she IS a celebrity, but I could just as easily have found myself getting engaged to that sweet gal who works at the Barnes & Noble in Studio City. Really, that could have happened. Watch me make that nonplussed face into the camera. Aren’t I adorable? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Nothing to do with celebrity.”
2 Gina // Sep 14, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I have a cardigan.
3 Melissa // Sep 14, 2009 at 12:44 pm
So if he found his ‘girl in a cardigan’ (which is questionable with Emily Blunt) does that mean they will name their children Beaver and Marsha?
4 Melissa // Sep 14, 2009 at 12:45 pm
And we must not forget Pilot Inspektor.
5 joshpincusiscrying // Sep 14, 2009 at 1:08 pm
And Frank Zappa has the last laugh!
6 goofydes // Sep 14, 2009 at 1:48 pm
My cousin had a baby girl 6 months ago and named her Sparrow. We all think she is crazy. Along with the cousin who had a girl last week and named her Pace.
7 RCoA // Sep 14, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I’ve always thought that Nostril or Nosferatu would be awesome names for a boy. “Nostril Quality-and-Low-Prices Carney of America! Get in here, you little shit! What the hell is wrong with you? Stop eating sand!”
8 Glo // Sep 14, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I have no problem with the odd name part, it’s the breeding part that drives me nuts.
9 steve // Sep 14, 2009 at 2:12 pm
a friend from college named her daughter Hyacinth.
10 captiveww // Sep 14, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Does “Ukiah” count? I say yes, because all his friends are going to call him “Yuke” for the rest of his life. Does “Magnolia” count? Because no one’s going to ever call her “Magnolia.” Never. She’s currently “Nolie” for now. It’s weird that people would be so caught up in their fame that their childrens’ names are cause for press releases.
Thanks for calling this to our attention. I’ve given the matter serious thought myself because I’m also tired of the dipshitting of our culture.
11 Pookie // Sep 14, 2009 at 4:02 pm
I’m with Glo. What’s with the breeding? Stop it! Someone I know who has spent that past 15 years building her own business got married a few years ago and they spent that time buying their dream house and making it perfect. She said, I do NOT want kids. I want to travel and build my business and I’m not maternal in the least.
As soon as the house was done, BOOM, she’s knocked up. I said to her, WHY are you having a kid? HUH?! She said, well, we were talking about it and we said, we have all this success, and all this money, and what are we doing it for?
okay.
apparently, the only answer is ‘for a kid’?
Look. Just admit it, stupid people. You’re BORED. You’re no longer HOT for each other! You can’t FACE the VOID. Just fucking ADMIT IT! Don’t come to me and talk about the future, the purpose, the biological imperative, because it’s all CRAP. You just don’t have the imagination to live without constant DISTRACTION!
Yeah, people are loons, crazy names or no!
12 renedarwin // Sep 14, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Please don’t accuse me of saying that all white people look alike, but look at them–separated at birth!
It’s about narcissism.
13 pal Jacky // Sep 14, 2009 at 6:02 pm
patrick swatzay has left the building.
14 clevelandphil // Sep 14, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Patrick Swayze is possessing Whoopi Goldberg.
When asked about his brother’s passing, Don Swayze said, “I’m the better looking Swayze, now”.
15 PeekaBooRevue // Sep 15, 2009 at 2:07 am
cardigan. wonder what that smells like?
16 bnaivar // Sep 15, 2009 at 5:14 am
It’ was a misquote. He actually said he’d like to get a”girl in a car again”.
17 micwrite // Sep 15, 2009 at 5:25 am
Ooo.. I thought he was channeling Ed Wood….
18 putrescence // Sep 15, 2009 at 10:54 pm
It’s just as bad as the names people give their dogs. I have a neighbor with a dog named Parker. That’s bad for a kid, but just think what that dog is putting-up with.
Just a note to those who view breeding as an unfortunate by-product of sex-
Breeders actually provide Liberal Dems, Lesbians, Gays, NEA members, and Pop Culture followers to the community. As well as those who love them.
19 godzthor1 // Sep 16, 2009 at 12:54 am
So, umm, what happened with Posada tonite?
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