I put up this post five years ago, when Clay Aiken came out to his fans. There are two things about the event that I still find hard to believe:
1. Someone didn’t know that Clay Aiken was gay
2. Someone gave a shit
And yet, there was chaos in the Claynation, as heartbroken fans came to terms with the fact that everything was ruined forever.
Poor ranaeaiken.
She made someone a Christian rolemodel because she saw him on TV, and he turns out to be a big homo. What is she supposed to do now? Learn how to spell “pedestal?”
What kind of people actually have to process the sexual orientation of a complete stranger? Who in their right mind needs emotional support from other strangers, to accept someone else’s private life? What kind of narcissist turns everything into something they personally have to overcome?
Well, the kind of people who have sexual feelings for Clay Aiken. Or more precisely, Christian women of a certain age, who today are sobbing into their Laura Ashley bedspreads and wondering why no one loved him enough to pray the gay away.
Of course, some people are just plain mad. And who could blame them? After all, Clay Aiken ruined Christmas.
How can she listen to O Holy Night, knowing he desires unholy nights?
How can she listen to Santa Claus is Coming, when he might be coming on Clay’s face?
How can she look at gaily wrapped packages?
How can she stuff the turkey when Clay is probably getting the same treatment in a hotel room near an air force base?
Well, she can’t. All she can do is stand up and say, “Lord, help me look past Clay’s charity work so I can ridicule him forever.” She used to be able to pray on her knees, but that’s something else Clay ruined for her.
By the way, isn’t it interesting that people decrying homosexuality always use the expression “shoving it down my throat”? Just once I’d like to hear someone say, “I’m sick and tired of having their alternative lifestyle lubed up and repeatedly shoved up my hot, willing ass.”
As a person that has never heard him sing, I took the news with a “hmm, that’s interesting” and went about my life. Hell, the only reason I knew who Aiken was, was due to people making fun of him for being a closeted gay. Funny how things turn out, I guess.
The only way I knew who he was by Kathy Griffin making fun of him as a closeted gay.
I think the people who are stunned by this SHOCKING revelation about ‘Claiken’ probably felt betrayed over the whole Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines thing. If you were surprised that he’s gay, there’s something wrong with you. Further, if you care that he’s gay and it affects your life, there’s something even more wrong with you and you should be kept away from sharp objects and heavy machinery. I’m gay (big damn deal), and the whole affair is just irritating.
What is really disturbing is the other phrases his name spells. I present:
A calk ye in
I leak cyan
An icky ale
Coincidence?
“I leak cyan” – has he been working with Keith Boadwee?
BTW, great photoshopping. April, you do that?
Listen, folks- these people’s reactions aren’t so amazing.
I recall the mass hysteria, the panic in the streets when it was discovered Boy George was a boy!
My hand to God, this is true. Not only that, but there were people equally shocked that she wasn’t black!
People. What schmucks!
I can picture him jerkin’ the Gherkin, but not squirting the murkin.
Ewww.
How can she listen to “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” knowing that one of the reindeer games is hide the sausage in Clay’s butt
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Thirteen comments and no references about egg nog?
You people are slipping…..
I know first hand that Kim Kardashian is indeed NOT a whore…how do I know? Because she won’t sleep with ME. And that makes her a bitch.
It’s pretty obvious, especially now, why he never wanted to make a public statement regarding his sexuality. The Christian Midwestern housewife was a major demographic for him.
The Christian music-listening set, who will forgive any lack of talent so long as you say nice things about The Lord, were the ones paying for his mortgage and his hair product. It would have definitely been the easy, “safe” route for him to keep mum on the subject and let all those floral print smock wearers enjoy their blissful ignorance. I won’t go so far as to say his admission was “brave”, but it was the right move, and I respect him a little more because of it.
That said, I still think he looks like he needs a boot heel in the face. Or maybe we could just hide his flatirons.
In that photo Aiken looks like k. d. lang’s unattractive sister! The guy has always creeped me out –no idea why.
And who was surprised he’s gay and who cares?
Hey look at ME, I’m straight. yay for me!!! geeez
As to those blogs, good God — those people are so sick it’s funny!
Hmmm…..more proof that I was born on the wrong planet. Anywhoo…I visited this terrifying website. What’s ironic is….they have “guideleines for behavior” for the posters, but that’s not all. “No discussion of religion” is also a rule. God forbid we discuss religion, let’s just spend our time ripping (funny gay pun) gay people apart.
I just think it’s funny that Aiken has out-gayed Lance Bass by having a baby. I also agree with laffingsherry. Who was surprised, and who cares that he’s gay? I sure don’t.
I’ll leave it to someone else to craft some clever line about worshipping idols or the idol having feet of clay or something like that. I’m just wallowing in the smug superiority of one who is completely out of touch. I had no idea who this bozo is or what he did or why he came (no pun) on the national radar.
you mean THIS was all a lie?
I’m crushed!
If you read her shirt underneath her jacket, it clearly says “ASS.”
April, your rapid-fire approach here is as hilarious as it is insightful.
“I want to look at Liberace! ”
Alice Kramden
Prophetic and pathetic – BUY A VOWEL – GUESS THE PUZZLE OR GET CLUE
Look, I don’t go around saying I like the Woman on top
Ok, I did it HERE, but I don’t go AROUND saying it
So much for the theory that all the good-looking ones are gay.
Well, as a long time fan, I’m neither upset nor shocked nor do I feel as if “he died”. I just hope people will stop attacking him now. I’ve been so sick of the 5th grade level attacks by everyone with a computer. It’s nobody’s business what his orientation is, and I sort of wish he had continued to keep it to himself. Not because he should be ashamed of himself, but it’s just one more excuse to attack someone who really is a very nice man.
Gayness? That’s fine, just “don’t shove it down my throat”, or up my ass. *kisses!*
Really Monocle? Why shouldn’t it be fodder for discussion? He shouted it from the cover of People Magazine for god’s sake. And don’t think that he did it for free. I’m sure he was paid for the exclusive pics – with a bonus offered if he would “come out”.
And it’s always the repubs that always choose the phrase “shove it down my throat” to describe the gay agenda.
I think it is wishful thinking. If the cock fits….
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This reminds me of the time I was visiting my re-located best friend in North Carolina (we both grew up in So Cal) and somehow ended up having a “Who’s Gay in Hollywood” discussion with the sweet little christian Carolina girl behind the counter at Barnes and Nobel.
After a few not-such-a-surprise names came out, she hopefully said, “But Clinton on “What not to wear” is is straight, right?”
I nearly snorted my latte out my nose as I said “CLINTON?? He’s the biggest nelly on TV besides the blond guy on Queer Eye!”.
Poor missy looked confused, until I explained the term “Nelly” and then, she looked crushed. “Oh NO!”
Okay, this poor little mega-churched child was obviously harboring some kind of dream of fashion-drenched days, and hot torrid (but within Christian bounds of matrimony, no doubt) nights with her idol.
Why? Because the blanket of denial, “pray the gay away” and general “If you shove your fingers in your ears and chant la-lal-lal-la-la-or sing “On Eagles Wings” loudly enough you-can’t -hear your real desires” is SO STRONG in a lot of Fundamentalist churches that it pulls in tonnes of guys so deep in the closet that they’re finding xmas presents.
These poor church girls hang out with so many obviously gay guys claiming to be hetero that they HAVE no gaydar even in obvious cases like Clay.
But it’s sad that Clay is living in NC and surrounded by so many idiots who were willing to sing his praises when he was willing to “don’t ask, don’t tell” but are turning on him now he’s being honest. Thank god there’s a nice gay community next door in Durham, N.C.
Clinton is gay?!?
Noooooooooooooo!!!!
That People cover is the least flattering picture of k. d. lang ever.
I wasn’t around the first time you posted this so I am glad you posted it again. April, you are so funny! For me, the “unholy nights” part is the best!
This is my favorite post on this whole website.
I have *no idea* who this guy is, I have never seen/heard of him before.
That said, I just came on here (no pun, I swear!!) because I am just so happy April is posting again. Got in himmel have I missed her intelligent snark!
Oh poor Ranae! I would just like to announce that I am straight. Mostly. So everyone can now go about their day being all not depressed and not feeling like I am dead to them, including you Ranae! Mostly.
Now she knows what it’s like to be gay and know that you can never have Anderson Cooper.
Who’s in a relationship and lives eight hundred miles away and most likely would never meet you even if you waited outside the CNN studios with flowers. His sexuality is kind of low on the list of reasons.
I’m just excited that I can finally comment (there was some glitch). I don’t give a fuck about Clay or that he’s gay. (I do, however, care that I’m a poet and that April is posting.)
Am I going to hell because I saw “Moderately Faggot” (instead of “Moderately Fragrant”) on the rose ad in the post above this because of this post?
Also: Who is Clay Aiken and why do I care who he’s boning?
He won American Idol in the second season (back when American Idol winners were kind of rare and still interesting).
Young girls who think that holding a boy’s hand is the most exciting thing they’ll ever do are attracted to male singers that look like that’s the most exciting thing they’ll ever want to do. In this case, they’re upset because he DOES want to do something more than hold hands, but not with them.
Clay Aiken did not win that season. Ruben Studdard did. It was a fairly controversial decision, but not a terrible one. Certainly not on the level of Taylor Hicks.