A few years ago, when I was still on the radio, a listener sent me a link to something called “Get Slim Slippers”.
I have to admit, I didn’t get it. To me, it looked like someone picked up a few thousand size 0 slippers in China and had to come up with some angle to unload them.
But maybe I was overlooking the obvious. Maybe every time you get up to go to the refrigerator, you fall. And that slows you down a little.
So I decided to read the copy:
With Get Slim Slippers, you will not go on a diet, change your eating habits, take any medicine or do lots of exercises just to get slim.
The six powerful magnets located near the surface of the slippers will, when walking, stimulate the nerve endings in the soles and increase blood circulation.
This effect will speed up your metabolism and improve digestion and elimination.
Hang on . . . you’re saying that simply by walking, you can increase your metabolism?
Obviously, I had no choice but to go on the radio and ridicule these people and their bullshit slippers. And to my surprise, they sent me an email afterward.
Subject: Your Shoe on December 7
From: Digicom Matsu Industries Inc.
To: April WinchellDear April
On the 7th of December, you have mentioned the Get Slim Slippers on your show.
We produce and sell the slippers, and do not recall selling to you a pair. Did you really tried the slippers, or just felt like saying something “So Nice” about the slippers. I really wish you could try the slippers, or any other product before you choose to criticize.
Your prompt reply will be appreciated,
Regards,
C Chalamish, CEO
Digicom Matsu Industries Inc.
Subject: My Shoe on December 7
From: April Winchell
To: Digicom Matsu Industries Inc.
Dear Mr. Chalamish,
Thank you for listening to my shoe.
I won’t comment on the fact that you sell so few of these shoes that you can remember every one of your customers. I would never say anything “so nice.”
But what you don’t realize is that I did tried your slippers!
I admit, after I ate the first one, my appetite was way down. Unfortunately, after I passed it some time later, I went right back to my old eating habits.
Perhaps you could create some sort of maintenance program, where customers would get one shoe every month, just to keep them on track. Or we could just snack on Peds during the day. Who doesn’t love a grape Knee-High?
I would write more, but my pizza is here.
- April
I tried these slippers once, if you consider drunkenly toppling over every time I stand up as the same thing. I did lose weight, but only because I forgot I was getting up for a snack after every head injury.
Soul food.
As someone with a plantar fasciitis in my foot, I cringe at the thought of wearing these even for a minute.
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HAHA! OMG SO FUNNY! NO ONE HAS EVER MADE FUN OF SOMEONE FOR THEIR WEIGHT BEFORE YOU MUST BE A GENIUS COMEDIAN! WHEN IS YOUR SITCOM COMING OUT?!?!?!?!?!
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You must be new here.
So… why hang out on this American site?
So what’s your excuse, Chav?
So, wait… If it’s magnets making you slim down, why the hell doesn’t the slipper fit?
If you have magic magnets, do you still have to have the heel of the slipper jammed into the arch of your foot to make it work? That would certainly stimulate those nerve endings, though.
The idea seems to be that you walk around on tiptoes because otherwise you fall over. .
This only made what little sense it does because I’m in the Eastern time zone and I’m half asleep.
And for when you don’t feel like enough of a moron wearing these “shoes”, pair them with this bullshit:
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1) April/Helen has no competition – don’t be ludicrous
2) If you think you’re only -16, you must be new here
3) Replying to your own comment to complain no one likes it is tantamount to wearing a t-shirt that says “butthurt”
Gosh darn it, if I can’t come to April’s site to bitch and moan, where else can I go? Isn’t that the whole point?
I don’t know how old this blog post is:
http://my.dietpower.com/features/get_slim_slippers.php
But it appears that Mr. Chalamish usually only sells to family members who give the shoes as gifts.
The blog post is good reading – you can tell she’s trying so hard not to be funny but occasionally cracks, unlike the thick canvas uppers that absorb all your sweat.
I swear, you may be the funniest human being on the planet.
These slippers work, dammit. It’s the MAGNETS.
You must have steel floors, of course. They work great on oil rigs.
Read the fine print, People.