If you were a reader of Regretsy, you may recall my unpleasant interaction with Jacqueline Stallone, perhaps most famous for passing Sylvester’s giant cranium through her withered loins.
At issue was a post I wrote about Rumpology; the sophisticated science of looking at someone’s ass and telling their fortune. Ms. Stallone has been offering this invaluable service for many years, though not exactly as a labor of love. She charges $600 to look at a photo of your blowhole, and really, you could get someone to lick it for that much.
Unfamiliar with the concept of mocking charlatans on the internet, Ms. Stallone responded to my observations with a baseless legal threat:
I’m not sure who she means by “we,” but she’s had so many eye jobs that she probably sees two of everything at this point.
Obviously, September 5, 2011 was the happiest day of my life. It’s not often that you get pretend Cease and Desist orders from luminaries such as Jackie Stallone, and I treasure it as much as the autographed photo of David Caruso that I can’t find. And to put the injectable filler on top of the cake, Jackie posted this thousand word meltdown on HubPages.
Now, admittedly, there is a lot of questionable material for sale on the Internet – at Etsy or anywhere else. However, all people are individuals and there is no accounting for taste. What revolts one person may appeal to others. This is the core of a free market. That is until we meet Ms. Killer, who apparently has decided to set herself up as judge and jury on what is good and what is bad, what people should or should not buy. One is reminded of Ayn Rand’s amazingly over-the-top, blowhard architectural critic character from “The Fountainhead”, Ellsworth Toohey.
See how that goes? You have the right to like or dislike anything being sold to the public, because you are the public, and freedom of choice is the core of a free market!*
*Unless you dislike Jackie Stallone’s ass reading business, in which case you ARE OUT OF LINE, MOTHERFUCKER
Yes, Jackie Stallone is terrifying, I’ll give you that. But I’m about to unleash something even more frightening than an old woman with a face full of poison trying to get you to send her photos of your ass.
You’re about to hear Sylvester Stallone attempt to sing.
Im going to warn you straight off: this is not good. For anyone. These are outtakes from a recording session where Sylvester Stallone gamely tried to make his way through a song called “Comin’ Down With a Bad Case of Love.”
As Sly talkmumblesings, “I can feel it growing inside me.”
I’m not sure what it is, but I think its malignant.