If you were a reader of Regretsy, you may recall my unpleasant interaction with Jacqueline Stallone, perhaps most famous for passing Sylvester’s giant cranium through her withered loins.
At issue was a post I wrote about Rumpology; the sophisticated science of looking at someone’s ass and telling their fortune. Ms. Stallone has been offering this invaluable service for many years, though not exactly as a labor of love. She charges $600 to look at a photo of your blowhole, and really, you could get someone to lick it for that much.
Unfamiliar with the concept of mocking charlatans on the internet, Ms. Stallone responded to my observations with a baseless legal threat:
I’m not sure who she means by “we,” but she’s had so many eye jobs that she probably sees two of everything at this point.
Obviously, September 5, 2011 was the happiest day of my life. It’s not often that you get pretend Cease and Desist orders from luminaries such as Jackie Stallone, and I treasure it as much as the autographed photo of David Caruso that I can’t find. And to put the injectable filler on top of the cake, Jackie posted this thousand word meltdown on HubPages.
Now, admittedly, there is a lot of questionable material for sale on the Internet – at Etsy or anywhere else. However, all people are individuals and there is no accounting for taste. What revolts one person may appeal to others. This is the core of a free market. That is until we meet Ms. Killer, who apparently has decided to set herself up as judge and jury on what is good and what is bad, what people should or should not buy. One is reminded of Ayn Rand’s amazingly over-the-top, blowhard architectural critic character from “The Fountainhead”, Ellsworth Toohey.
See how that goes? You have the right to like or dislike anything being sold to the public, because you are the public, and freedom of choice is the core of a free market!*
*Unless you dislike Jackie Stallone’s ass reading business, in which case you ARE OUT OF LINE, MOTHERFUCKER
Yes, Jackie Stallone is terrifying, I’ll give you that. But I’m about to unleash something even more frightening than an old woman with a face full of poison trying to get you to send her photos of your ass.
You’re about to hear Sylvester Stallone attempt to sing.
Im going to warn you straight off: this is not good. For anyone. These are outtakes from a recording session where Sylvester Stallone gamely tried to make his way through a song called “Comin’ Down With a Bad Case of Love.”
As Sly talkmumblesings, “I can feel it growing inside me.”
I’m not sure what it is, but I think its malignant.
Ayn Rand may have contributed to the ideas that led to the global financial meltdown. But in real life she was a total fuck machine.
Urban turban https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79qOMUMLL0g
I prefer it when he sings country…Rhinestone was a thing of beauty.
Funny how he got stuck on the word we’re all screaming inside our heads.
NOoooOO. nooOOOoooo. No. no. nO. noOOooOOooo.
I can’t get it to sound right either. Shoot.
If Alien was ever made into a musical this song would be PERFECT!
I think we should take up a collection for April to have her ass read by Ms. Stallone. Don’t knock it till you try it! I’m in for $10. Heck, make it $15. Just don’t break the copying machine when you sit on it.
Clearly. We should all chip in. Any ridicule of Jaquie Stallone can only be driven by poverty and the inability to get your arse read.
I remember this. Why people thought he had a voice is beyond me.
I think the definition of celebrity is “believes anything told to him by people he pays.”
“NO COMMENTS SO FAR ↓
There are no comments yet.”
I think this says it for me.
Definitely malignant although you have to give Sly points for trying. Not completely sure WHAT he is trying to do (induce nausea?), but at least he isn’t faking his singing.
WHERE DO YOU FIND THESE SONGS?! You have a gift for snark, but you have a magical gift for finding awful music.
Did she get those earrings on Regretsy?
The only thing that would make that song more awesome was if he had a herd flatulent water buffalo for back up singers.
Pearl earrings merging with her last pearl necklace.
You don’t fool me! That was just a recording of you drunkenly singing a Cher song at karaoke and knocking stuff over, played backwards and slowed down.
“and really, you could get someone to lick it for that much.”
Coffee just came out my nose! I forgot about this amazing insanity. Thanks for posting the “song” it is only a “song” by the technical definition
Ah. So THAT is where Sly got his mug from.
Yeah, that ass dollar is a real hot dollar, alright.
Needs popup Visine ad.
Mr. Stallone needs to go outside onto the grass to have that calf.