April Winchell

61 responses so far ↓

• 1 Tweets that mention April Winchell » Hey, Thanks Suzanne -- Topsy.com // Sep 18, 2009 at 11:56 am

  [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Lisa Task. Lisa Task said: http://5.gp/c5h April Winchell » Hey, Thanks Suzanne: How do you suppose Patrick Swayze's family feels reading this? The http://url4.eu/T1zh [...]

• 2 joshpincusiscrying // Sep 18, 2009 at 11:56 am

  You tell her, sister!
  When she’s in the same situation as Patrick Swayze was, she’ll be begging for the poisons.

• 3 RCoA // Sep 18, 2009 at 1:11 pm

  Okay, that’s it. I’m withdrawing Suzanne from the spank bank and converting her to 0.75 Charos.

  Cuchi.

• 4 Susie // Sep 18, 2009 at 1:13 pm

  Combine 2 & 3 & that’s all that’s necessary. #1 is just for fun.

• 5 Susie // Sep 18, 2009 at 1:16 pm

  Actually, I guess #2 is the same as #3, just different words. You say “neether”, I say “neither.” #1 is still just for fun.

• 6 Pookie // Sep 18, 2009 at 1:27 pm

  I wonder if the Toronto journalist friend of theirs who let her expound her unsolicited opinion about something she knows nothing at all about has also invited and made public the response of the people who have been once again offended and disgusted by her arrogance and stupidity?

  my guess is: no.

• 7 Andre // Sep 18, 2009 at 1:42 pm

  “I’m a singer-dancer-comedienne.”

  At least she didn’t say she was a poet.

• 8 jasmith31 // Sep 18, 2009 at 2:10 pm

  Get up in that ass, April!!! GIT HER!!!!!

• 9 Stretch99 // Sep 18, 2009 at 3:35 pm

  she came accross so good on “My Life on the D List…”

• 10 postino // Sep 18, 2009 at 6:31 pm

  http://www.cancerisafungus.com/

• 11 clevelandphil // Sep 18, 2009 at 6:34 pm

  Suzanne Somers IS a singer-dancer-comedienne. What she isn’t, is a doctor.
  The same goes for Jenny Mccarthy.

• 12 yelkcub33 // Sep 18, 2009 at 7:57 pm

  I remember the first time i saw a magazine with jenny and her kid and, god help me, i immediately thought – “Oh what a suprise that retards had a retard.”
  Going to hell; going to hell; going to hell…
  Anyhoo, i can only assume that the “toronto journalist” (without the first amendment, canadian papers cannot report on certain things – they get their news from us skinny bacon eaters) got some wiggly blowtoxjob from chrissy…
  wow – trading sex to print evil garbage about a dead guy-even dante (both the one from clerks and from the inferno) would have a problem with that.
  hopefully, she’ll end up on a level below the popes.

• 13 captiveww // Sep 18, 2009 at 10:27 pm

  She was all into her organic garden on “D List” and kept touting its benefits, never mentioning the amount of natural resources it takes to grow a lush vegetable garden in the middle of the desert. Not to mention the amount of landfill her thigh-masters must be taking up. And she wouldn’t even let Kathy drink a diet soda at her own dinner-of-honor. She now needs to lay off Swayze, who by all accounts was an awesome person. He starred in “Roadhouse” so just CAN IT, Missy.

• 14 mkjal // Sep 18, 2009 at 11:23 pm

  Suzanne Somers definitely has bad timing in printing her opinion in regaurds to chemo treatments. Also not a wise choice to use Swayze as an example. Her intention of creating awareness regaurding other treatment options is not printing evil garbage about cancer victims who choose chemo. Yes, she disagrees with his choice of treatment, but she is in no way bashing his character, persona, or how great of a person he was. We are all entitled to voice our opinions and make our own choices, even when it comes to health care. For those of you know-it-all dumb asses who ridicule her calling chemo treatments ‘poison’, thats exactly what it is! If a chemical radiation treatment that kills your cells, causes your body to shut down, makes you weak, induces vomiting and hair loss isn’t poison, what would you call it? A vitamin? I doubt that anyone would beg for the ‘poisons’. I also doubt that any of you are any closer to being a doctor than she is. Nor do I suppose that your uneducated, inexperienced, self proclaimed know it all opinions are any less arrogant. PS neither and neither are spelt the same…not ‘neether’. The difference is pronounciation, not spelling…lmfao.

• 15 Scott // Sep 19, 2009 at 8:25 am

  The woman is a twit. Perhaps she and Tom Cruise should run off to some island together. Leave the rest of us and our medical treatments alone.

• 16 april // Sep 19, 2009 at 9:04 am

  @Mkjal let’s get a few things straight here.

  >>”Suzanne Somers definitely has bad timing in printing her opinion in regaurds (sic) to chemo treatments.”

  Agreed. And yet, it’s the third time now she has gone to the press after a celebrity suffers death or illness. It is supremely insensitive and opportunistic.

  Look, if she wants to make curing cancer without chemo her life’s work, I’m not stopping her. But when someone dies a horrible, painful death, it’s not acceptable to use it as a springboard for your your pet theories about “poison”.

  And coming from a woman with a face full of Botox, I find her judgments particularly loathsome. I guess injecting poison into yourself is okay for crows feet. It’s just the life-saving thing she has a problem with.

  >>”Yes, she disagrees with his choice of treatment, but she is in no way bashing his character, persona, or how great of a person he was.”

  No, she’s bashing the people who loved him and cared for him and did everything they knew to save him. These are the people she accuses of “putting poison in him”.

  >>For those of you know-it-all dumb asses who ridicule her calling chemo treatments ‘poison’, thats exactly what it is! If a chemical radiation treatment that kills your cells, causes your body to shut down, makes you weak, induces vomiting and hair loss isn’t poison, what would you call it?

  I would call it the treatment that saved my life 4 years ago.

  >>”I doubt that anyone would beg for the ‘poisons’.”

  Well, then you’re wrong again. You bet your ass I begged for that “poison”. I couldn’t get it fast enough.

  >>”I also doubt that any of you are any closer to being a doctor than she is.”

  Anyone who knows that you can’t cure stage 4 pancreatic cancer with miseltoe oil is close to being a doctor than she is.

• 17 pal Jacky // Sep 19, 2009 at 9:27 am

  thanks mkjal, I forgot how much fun trolling is!
  I think i’m going to go to some of my infrequent websites and espouse my selfrightous slop to others.

• 18 RCoA // Sep 19, 2009 at 2:03 pm

  Mkjal, opinions are often horseshit. If Suzanne has a cure for cancer that can be tested and duplicated, let’s see it. Until then, it’s anecdotal horseshit on par with hexagonal water, dowsing and anything claimed by Sylvia Browne.

• 19 pal Jacky // Sep 19, 2009 at 2:24 pm

  speaking of cancers, I have a voice over question.
  Is the contenelle toilet paper dog voiced by Zack Braff?
  I hope so because I was afraid he wouldn’t get any work now that he has left ’scrubs’.

• 20 april // Sep 19, 2009 at 2:30 pm

  Pal Jacky, yes, sadly. He is also the voice of Pur Water, which I read for against Janeane Garafolo.

  By the way, have you noticed that JG isn’t the voice of Weight Watchers anymore? I guess you can only trash the client in public so many times before you become a liability to them.

• 21 pal Jacky // Sep 19, 2009 at 6:46 pm

  I know leaving a hit show is bad for ones career. Ask ms. somers. But somehow leaving a show that should have been cancelled a few seasons back and isn’t going to start its new season until winter is sort of okay. But a dog talking about toilet paper.

  Here is my dreadful confessional suzanne somers story that a small part of me thinks I shouldn’t mention, but I can’t look at the bitch without thinking of it

  I went through re-hab at St. John’s in 1990. We were forced to go to alumni meeting that was for all the 12 step programs. We had several celebrity speakers none of whom I’ll mention except SS because I have respect for people in sobriety.

  This SS bitch comes in under alanon because her father was an abusive drunk. Iy happens it is sad. However, she talked a great deal about her own drunkedness and how she was lucky that she could still drink because she wasn’t the alcoholic in the family.

  Not a cool thing to tell a bunch of people still detoxing in a chemical dependency wing of a major hospital.

  Yes, in the almost 19 years of being clean and sober, I’ve run into my share of alanons in denial. However, none of them were main speakers at a meeting other than suzanne.
  Bitch.

• 22 Nusa // Sep 19, 2009 at 8:10 pm

  Hey, she bounces! Doesn’t that forgive all sins in the media?

• 23 Ryland // Sep 19, 2009 at 11:41 pm

  I wish celebrities would remember that they have no medical, psychiatric, or scientific training, and thus should keep their fucking pieholes shut on issues pertaining to those areas of knowledge.

• 24 mkf // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:12 am

  honey, if it makes you feel any better, it’s exquisitely-articulated bitterness such as this that’s earned you a loyal audience of thousands, whereas my mediocre, garden-variety bitterness nets me maybe eleven on a good day.

  not that i’m bitter about that or anything.

• 25 SpicyD // Sep 20, 2009 at 7:57 am

  When I was in my mid twenties my uncle died of pancreatic caner. I can’t remember what his treatment was, but the sad fact is that pancreatic caner is basically a death sentence with something like a 5% recovery rate. Who wants to believe that sad fact.

  In response to the horror of realizing, for probably the first time, that the world is not a perfect place and that sometimes bad things just happen- I went crazy.

  I read a book called “Sugarbusters” and decided that white sugar is what caused all illnesses. In the difficult time after his death – the book made the world a much simpler and more comforting place. I did not have to deal with the fact that sometimes bad things just happened; I just had bring down the sugar industry. I went on a righteous tirade that was politely endured by my closest friends and ignored by the rest of the people around me.

  I remember one night the following words came out of my mouth “People in mainland China did not have access to sugar which is why the farmers there live longer than people in America.” I really believed what was coming out of my mouth. Even though deep in my heart I knew that- 1 I just made up that fact and 2 farmers in mainland China don’t live longer than anybody.

  White sugar probably isn’t the good for you, but not eating it won’t allow you to live forever. Chemo is poison and right now it is the only thing strong enough we have to fight to cancer. It is scary to admit that we don’t have all the answers. It is terrifying that a person can live a healthy life and still die young. It is scary to admit that the doctors who we put out faith in may not be able to cure us.

  No doubt it is more comforting to believe that “building up someone nutritionally” is a rational approach that will work every single time. Instead of having to face some scary realities – we simple have to bring down the medical system. But what is comforting is not necessarily what is good for us.

  Oh and Suzanne, you are not a singer or dancer. If this doesn’t show how out of touch with reality you are than I got nothing….

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-bQYbxRNsk

• 26 pal Jacky // Sep 20, 2009 at 11:39 am

  To top it all fucking off cancer there is a fucking random element in cancer. There’s the 5% who make it for no other reason that are on the good side of 95% fatal.
  It makes much more sense to me that SS falls into that category than getting some miracle curefrom shoving avocado pits up her ass.

• 27 tear it up... // Sep 20, 2009 at 5:13 pm

  Some warm up for tonight!!
  Imaginary Bitches / Bitches Emmy Special!
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93bONZOgnDY&fmt=22

• 28 SpicyD // Sep 20, 2009 at 9:04 pm

  @Pal Jacky- The fact that Suzanne is on the winning side of the 5% further proves how random and cruel the universe is.

• 29 clevelandphil // Sep 20, 2009 at 9:52 pm

  I turn on the tv thinking I’m watching King Kong, but it was Jessica Lange picking up her Emmy. Arrrrrrgggggggggh!!!!!!!!

• 30 Douchebag of the Month » PAUL RANTS // Sep 20, 2009 at 11:44 pm

  [...] Congratulations to washed up sit-com actress/huckster, Suzanne Somers (Eviscerated by April Winchell) [...]

• 31 pal Jacky // Sep 21, 2009 at 8:27 am

  scrambled eggs? To much hassle. My dogs get liverwurst when they have to be medicated.
  The worst is my 16 year old was on muscle relaxants for her neck. I had to lift the plate for her to eat. Talk about a devoted master.

• 32 pal Jacky // Sep 21, 2009 at 8:39 am

  did anyone watch the show on the history channel last night on looking for the holy grail in america? Did they find it? I haven’t slept that well in ages. I woke up about 11:30 and they were performing DNA tests on part of a skull they thought was Hitler’s. The big conclusion of that show was the skull was female. They didn’t even consider the fact that it might be eva braun’s who died sitting next to him. When you start questioning the stuff on these crappy ‘psuedo science’ shows, maybe it isn’t better than watching the emmys.

• 33 DavidinBerkeley // Sep 21, 2009 at 12:00 pm

  I love it when people start their paragraphs with “Honey,…”

• 34 tcotrel // Sep 21, 2009 at 2:47 pm

  I only agree with the entirety of your comments in this post. However, what makes you think the Swayze family would actually read anything by Ms. Somers?

• 35 Stretch99 // Sep 21, 2009 at 3:05 pm

  I would not recommend an avacado pit up the ass – they get lost too easily

• 36 RCoA // Sep 21, 2009 at 3:16 pm

  @SpicyD, I very much enjoyed reading your Sugarbusters narrative. Good introspection and honesty. Thanks for sharing it.

• 37 DavidinBerkeley // Sep 22, 2009 at 12:53 pm

  Stretch gets a Princess Point for making me laugh!

• 38 pal Jacky // Sep 22, 2009 at 1:12 pm

  if you are bored do yourself a favor and google ‘christina applegate charity’ and then ’suzanne somers charity’.
  It just fucking speaks for itself.
  It s been nearly 19 years and she might have gotten sober herself, but a suzanne somers alcholism charity has just got to be a joke. Actually, check closer it is almost non-existant.
  “My name is Suzanne and I’m an adult child of an alcoholic-and I can help you find whose to blame for your problems. Let me take a sip of wine-much better-now”

  I bring this up because beyond the cancer, she is a cancer. She uses the misery of others to elevate her self esteem and yet does nothing about her core issues except find the person to blame.

  Christina applegate didn’t lose her breasts because she didn’t listen to SS. Christina applegate lost her breasts because she had cancer.

• 39 Auntie Vera Charles // Sep 22, 2009 at 7:10 pm

  I never liked Three’s Company.

  I smell melanoma.

• 40 blancadebree // Sep 23, 2009 at 3:33 am

  Patrick Swayze would have lasted longer if he had just stopped breathing, too. As everyone knows, oxygen is an oxidant, and that’ll kill you every time.

• 41 nahummer // Sep 23, 2009 at 4:18 am

  Personally, as usual, I blame Oprah
  http://www.newsweek.com/id/200025

• 42 Stretch99 // Sep 23, 2009 at 8:53 am

  I share my wisdom through experience…:-p

• 43 pal Jacky // Sep 23, 2009 at 9:14 am

  Speaking of the washed up shilling products, has anyone seen the Montel williams infomercial for some food processor?

  He’s grinding stuff up for his old fraud friend Sylivia Brown.

  C’mon Jack LaLane juice something for the amzing kreskin or you’ll be left behind in this market.

• 44 Stretch99 // Sep 23, 2009 at 10:28 am

  Montel uses it to grind his medical marajuna into joint ready budlets…TASTY. You should try Montel’s recepie for cannabis butter – BEST BROWNIES EVER!!!

• 45 nylasor // Sep 23, 2009 at 1:46 pm

  http://www.petlvr.com/blog/wp-content/breed_yorkshire_terrier.jpg

• 46 haineux // Sep 24, 2009 at 9:04 pm

  Apparently Suzanne Somers has publicly apologized for the statement, which she claims was recorded and published without her knowledge.

  So there’s that.

  As for “miracle plant hormones” —

  I almost worked in a lab at Pfizer that was testing as many chemical substances as possible for potential drug use. My job would be to create robots to subject substances to about 100 preliminary tests, and analyze the results. If a substance passed these tests, it would be sent to human scientists for additional testing.

  At the time I was interviewing, they were testing 75,000 substances per year, and they wanted to increase that to 1,000,000 substances per year.

  Pfizer was sending scientists everywhere in the world, collecting samples of everything they could possibly jam into a test tube. And they really were going all out, because they knew that species were going extinct all the time.

  So the honest truth is this — if plant hormones was a useful drug, we’d know. Because Pfizer would have tested it. They’d have done tests on hormones from the leaves, the bark, the berries, and the roots. From every species on the planet.

  If they found something, they’d sell it.

  After all, that’s what Penicillin is. It’s something mold makes, to kill bacteria, so that the mold can eat whatever food it’s on, instead of the bacteria eating it.

  You know those huge round oil tanks that are the size of shopping malls? Pfizer has several of those, growing mold. They dump train loads of corn syrup into the tanks, and skim off the mold, and refine it, and make penicillin tablets.

  There’s no patent on penicillin. There’s LOTS of companies making penicillin. And penicillin tablets sell for like 25 cents each. And 15 cents of that is markups. And another 5 cents is testing, to make sure that the pills actually contain the correct amount of drug.

  But you know what? Pfizer STILL makes money manufacturing and selling penicillin.

  So if Natural Plant Hormones really DID cure cancer, Pfizer would be selling them, you can be DAMN sure of it. EVEN if there were no patent assuring them an exclusive deal. EVEN if it sold for $2/pill. ESPECIALLY if it did — they’d have less competition.

  Medicine is medicine because it has been TESTED by DOCTORS and PROVEN to work. It doesn’t matter if it comes from a lab, or a tree, or horse piss. If it WORKS, it gets labelled MEDICINE and your doctor writes you a prescription.

  If your doctor writes you a prescription for some crap, your doctor can go to JAIL. And if a company sells fake medicine, they get SUED and their officers go to JAIL.

  So the next time Suzanne Somers tells you that Natural Plant Hormones, or whatever, will cure your disease, ask her if she’s a doctor. Ask her if the hormones have dozens of clinical tests proving they work. And that the stuff you buy has been tested, by the government, to prove that it actually contains what it says it contains, and not just water.

  And ask her if she’ll GO TO JAIL if any of this turns out to be bull.

  All I know is that the kind of “hormones” that actually DO SOMETHING when you inject them — they’re called STEROIDS by doctors. And if you inject them every day, it’s pretty obvious you’ve been doing it. On the other hand, if you inject WATER every day, that doesn’t have those effects.

  I’m just sayin’.

• 47 Stretch99 // Sep 25, 2009 at 8:37 am

  Patrick Swayze was a chain smoker…

• 48 clevelandphil // Sep 25, 2009 at 10:34 am

  Patrick Swayze smoked chains?

• 49 pal Jacky // Sep 25, 2009 at 11:50 am

  those investigative jounalists are now after suzanne somers. Did (s)he wear a wire. did (s)he say ‘gotcha’
  I just kind of thought things were getting better since the fuck bitch had to go all the way to canada to get someone to listen to her nonsense.

• 50 Stretch99 // Sep 25, 2009 at 12:53 pm

  Patrick acknowledged that his chain smoking could be a cause of the cancer. While it is sad when someone dies – SMOKING WAS JUST MORE IMPORTANT

• 51 pal Jacky // Sep 25, 2009 at 6:20 pm

  okay, that fuck bitch said that it was a comment she said that was overheard at a party.
  That is fucking fair game, the bitch didn’t even try to deny it.

• 52 Scott // Sep 26, 2009 at 11:33 am

  Alright, all ready. We have given this skank more time than she could possibly deserve. Let’s move on.

  AW, how’s the wedding plans coming?

• 53 Mr Pete // Sep 26, 2009 at 3:21 pm

  More specifically, where is our invitation and where are you registered?

• 54 bnaivar // Sep 28, 2009 at 5:17 am

  Happy 5770! Here’s hoping it will be better than 5769 was.

• 55 Stretch99 // Sep 28, 2009 at 9:28 am

  “I’m getting all of us oversized Swifty Lazar glasses and blond wigs for the Carol Channing concert.”

  …should Carol Channing still be doing concerts?!

  …should Dick Clark still be doing New Years Eve broadcasts?!

• 56 ShannonS // Sep 28, 2009 at 2:35 pm

  Well what do you folks expect when you stop demanding qualified journalists? I’m sitting on my honker right now because there are no jobs in the field. They want bloggers and people who overhear things and report them.
  Ethically, the journalist should have identified themself as a journalist and repeated the quote back to her.

  “They took this beautiful man and they basically put poison in him,” she reportedly said.

  For christ sake, any editor worth their salt would have said, “Reportedly said?” Call her and confirm the quote. Nothing is printed until it’s confirmed.

  But that is not what people want in their news anymore.

• 57 ShannonS // Sep 28, 2009 at 2:36 pm

  Oh, and as far as the avocado pits up our ass go, they only work if you use several attached together with dental floss in a long string.

  They must make a popping noise as you pull them out.

  I smell guacamole.

• 58 Stretch99 // Sep 28, 2009 at 2:52 pm

  Hey John Foley

  Isn’t San Gennaro the patron saint of canolis

• 59 TheClammer // Sep 29, 2009 at 1:35 pm

  The Clammer Agrees AW. That should be enough to close this thread.

• 60 DavidinBerkeley // Sep 29, 2009 at 1:50 pm

  Before the topic gets closed, I’d like to say that a 12-year-old boy provided me with the laugh of the day when he said he wasn’t ready for dating because….

  “I like guys who are nice and caring and don’t act like jerks to everyone. But this is middle school, where guys think it’s funny to pick their nose and fart really loud and laugh.”

  from http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/27/magazine/27out-t.html?_r=1&pagewanted=6

• 61 renedarwin // Sep 30, 2009 at 6:26 pm

  I guess she DID have to say it–to promote her new book:

  http://www.amazon.com/Knockout-Interviews-Doctors-Cancer-Prevent/dp/0307587460/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254360103&sr=8-3

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