There wasn’t much to speak of, with the exception of a long blue envelope; the kind of heavy, expensive paper that tells you something good is inside.

I opened it up and was stunned to discover a $100 gift certificate for laser hair removal from Mercedes Benz of Encino.

I can’t possibly explain this one. I don’t own a Mercedes Benz, nor have I ever done any business with that dealership. And I’m not even particularly hairy. So unless this is part of some kind of Cash for Cooters program, I’m at a loss.

Are they trying to make friends? Because this is really not the way to do it. They might as well send me a month of free Weight Watcher meetings or a case of deodorant.

To be fair, the $100 can be used on a variety of services, all of which involve a laser being shot at some sensitive area. But curiously, the Botox option is furiously scribbled out with a Sharpie.

Which leads me to conclude that it’s all right to look worried when you drive a Mercedes, as long as you have more than one eyebrow.

- NYT Link

I removed it when I redesigned the site a few years ago, and just forgot to put it back up. And I shouldn’t have let it go, because it benefits Project Angel Food, which is a charity I have supported for many years, and you have supported with me.

The way it works is simple: when you go to Amazon using any of the links in my gateway, your session is credited to this site. A small percentage of anything you buy, and I mean anything, goes into a special account, and when it reaches $75, Project Angel Food gets the money.

And speaking of marital bliss, Amazon was kind enough to offer this shopping suggestion when I was putting up the new gateway:

It’s like they can read your mind.

But what you may not have realized is that even idiocy has to be rehearsed. And while the idea of gays getting married is frightening, it’s not so scary that NOM was able to find real people who are scared by it.

So here are some leaked audition tapes of shitty actors, pretending to be terrified by the prospect of complete strangers making a legal commitment to each other which will affect them in no way. Scary!

Auditions for marriage lie ad from End Marriage Lies on Vimeo.

What I love about this is that it’s even more moronic and pathetic than the commercials themselves; something I would not have thought possible.

And what a wonderful revelation it all is! Because anyone can see that this is not about salvation. This is show business. Beneath all the passion and the piety, this is a cheap production on green screen, and somewhere, someone has this on their reel.

I’d throw in a Wizard of Oz reference, but that would be so gay.

My friend Gina suggests they start serving “Lipstick on a Pig in a Blanket”.

The point is, I amuse myself. And that’s all I can ask for.

PANCAKES YOU CAN BELIEVE IN™