April Winchell » Assholes

Hey, Thanks Suzanne

april — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 18:49:46 +0000

SUZANNE SOMERS: PATRICK SWAYZE SHOULD NOT HAVE USED CHEMOTHERAPY

Suzanne Somers thinks Patrick Swayze could have been alive today if he would have used alternative methods to treat his pancreatic cancer instead of chemotherapy.

The former “Three’s Company” star, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1991 and rejected chemotherapy in favor of natural treatments, told a Toronto-based columnist that it was Swayze’s chemotherapy, and not cancer, that ended his life prematurely.

“They took this beautiful man and they basically put poison in him,” she reportedly said. “Why couldn’t they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins in his body? I hate to be controversial. I’m a singer-dancer-comedienne. But we have an epidemic going on, and I have to say it.”

Ok Suzanne, two things:

1. You are not a singer-dancer-comedienne.

Oh, you might have been one or two of those things 40 years ago, but now you’re a saggy bag of Restylane who can’t get any press unless she exploits someone else’s cancer.

2. You don’t “have to say it”.

Not everything that limps into that shriveled cortex of yours needs to be immediately vomited out into the media. Not only is it not responsible, it’s just none of your fucking business.

How do you suppose Patrick Swayze’s family feels reading this? The people who did everything they knew to save him, who suffered countless hours watching him die, how do you think they feel hearing that world renown cancer authority Chrissy Snow thinks he was “poisoned”?

You have no idea, because it never occurred to you that anyone outside of your fake wellness evangelism exists, or has any feelings at all. How dare you presume to judge the way someone manages their own cancer? What possible business is it of yours? You might as well be standing outside a chemo clinic with a poster of a dead baby, spewing your ignorance through a bullhorn, you selfish moron. Why don’t you just picket his funeral? That’s got to be worth a few minutes on Larry King.

“Why couldn’t they have built him up nutritionally?” Well I guess that would have been one way to go, except that YOU CAN’T FUCKING EAT ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU HAVE CANCER IN YOUR PANCREAS, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT.

3. Shut your fucking mouth, you hypocritical, disgusting fuck bag.

Okay, I realize I that’s three things, but this last one just seemed so important.

Gathering Storm: Leaked Audition Tapes!

april — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 04:50:07 +0000

By now you ‘ve probably seen the ads barfed up by The National Organization for Marriage (NOM), created in response to the recent advances in gay marriage laws in Vermont and Iowa. These craptastic commercials have hastily been slapped together courtesy of the Mormon Church; the people who brought you Prop 8, the Osmonds and magic underwear.

But what you may not have realized is that even idiocy has to be rehearsed. And while the idea of gays getting married is frightening, it’s not so scary that NOM was able to find real people who are scared by it.

So here are some leaked audition tapes of shitty actors, pretending to be terrified by the prospect of complete strangers making a legal commitment to each other which will affect them in no way. Scary!

Auditions for marriage lie ad from End Marriage Lies on Vimeo.

What I love about this is that it’s even more moronic and pathetic than the commercials themselves; something I would not have thought possible.

And what a wonderful revelation it all is! Because anyone can see that this is not about salvation. This is show business. Beneath all the passion and the piety, this is a cheap production on green screen, and somewhere, someone has this on their reel.

I’d throw in a Wizard of Oz reference, but that would be so gay.

Fuck you, Gelsons

april — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 01:55:37 +0000

Strawberries, only $19.99 a pound!

Now in all fairness, these are “Gelsons finest”. The other strawberries, the moldy ones with steer manure still clinging to them, are only $8.00 a pound.

Hey, you get what you pay for.

Losers

april — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 00:31:24 +0000

About a month and a half ago, I posted a collection of offensive 9/11 images I found on the web. It was a pretty awesome assortment, I have to say.

It was my intention to do the same thing this election day, and give you a bouquet of turds crapped out by the very worst of society, or at least, the worst with an internet connection.

Sadly, this will not be the bonanza of tastelessness I’d hoped for. There just hasn’t been as much horror generated as the 9/11 stuff, but then, we haven’t had 7 years to make sparkly KKK gifs.

In any case, enjoy the light buffet I’ve set out for you.

I’ll make the popcorn

april — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 17:27:32 +0000

OMG

april — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 03:32:46 +0000

“Shortly before the reported 9 PM attack, Todd updated her Twitter page with a post noting that she was, ‘Stubbornly searching for a bank of america to avoid ATM fees.’ Soon after, she blogged, “Pretty sure I’m on the wrong side of pittsburgh.” Three hours after that update, Todd wrote, “Oh the blog I will be making soon…Its been a rough night.” A screen grab of Todd’s Twitter page–which was linked from her page on a College Republican National Committee web site–can be found here.”

- TheSmokingGun.com

That’s Immaterial

april — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 00:23:15 +0000

Is Barack Obama Muslin?

Ok, one more

april — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 17:11:29 +0000

Suzanne and Christina

april — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 17:46:11 +0000

The first letter in this exchange is real. The rest are only in my imagination.

Dear Christina,

Cancer is scary, and lonely. You can’t ask anyone to make decisions for you because it’s just too heavy.

There is a lot of “rush to treatment,” when what you really need is time to research and think about how you want to approach this. Take your time Christina, there is no rush. Take your time and think it through. Use you cancer to learn and grow and as a force to work for you. You might choose to take an alternative approach.

There are more options than the ones presented to you in the oncologist’s office. You will make it. The success and drive you have had in your career will be the same strengths you will use to win over this nasty disease. And I am here if you want to talk to someone who was “there.”

Sincerely,

Suzanne Somers

Dear Suzanne,

Thank you for your deeply personal and not at all exploitive letter, which you thoughtfully published in People Magazine. Some might see that as a cynical way to get attention by piggybacking on my misfortune, but maybe you just didn’t know how to reach me.

In any case, I’m relieved to hear that I’m in “no rush” to make decisions regarding my cancer treatment. Here I was, thinking that malignant tumors and a history of breast cancer in my family meant I should actually do something!

Then there was that stupid oncologist, who had the nerve to tell me that I tested positive for the BRCA1 gene mutation linked to breast and ovarian cancer. If he had told me to “use my cancer to learn and grow”, it would have been a different story, believe me.

I just wish you’d have written to me sooner with some of your scientifically sound alternatives. I could have rubbed crystals on my nipples and douched with rain forest water.

Anyway, no use crying over spilled milk (lol). I had a double mastectomy three weeks ago to spare myself years of fear and worry.

But thanks for the thought. There’s really nothing like a washed up, aging huckster with a face full of poison giving you medical advice in the pages of the tabloids.

Sincerely,

Christina Applegate

Dear Christina,

Your mood says a lot about the effects of traditional western medicine. I wish I could have been there for you before you made this decision, so I could have shared my experiences. Publicly. Again.

If Miley Cyrus hadn’t gotten into that fight with Selena Gomez, People would have published my letter a month ago! Then I could have sent brochures about Mistletoe extract, and articles filled with anecdotal evidence about juicing and Qigong.

It’s too late now. But I still want to send you a copy of my new book, “Chem-NO-Therapy: How to Somersize Away Your Cancer” (autographed, of course). I think the chapter on wrapping your Bluetooth headset in seaweed might be a real eye-opener.

Sincerely,

Suzanne Somers

Dear Suzanne,

I think I’m going to pass on the book, because the chemo is already making me slightly queasy. But I’m sure if you have something valuable to say to me, you’ll have it published.

Hey, did you ever see Bullitt? It’s a great movie. I watched it when I was recuperating from surgery.

Do you realize that if Steve McQueen hadn’t gone to Mexico to treat his cancer with coffee enemas and peach pits, he would have been 68 today? That’s almost as old as you!

Christina Applegate

Dear Christina,

We all have to make our own decisions, no matter how horribly misguided they may be.

So if you want to shoot yourself up with anthracycline-based cellular poisons, you just go right ahead. I’ll be selling my wig collection on QVC next month. Use my name and get 10% off.

By the way, I still have my breasts.

Sincerely,

Suzanne Somers

Dear Suzanne,

I still have my career.

Sincerely,

Christina Applegate

If other companies used PETA’s tactics

april — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 18:39:18 +0000