Okay, so remember a few years ago when I was broke, and going out with that douchebag? Remember that? Remember how I was in such bad shape that I had to beg for money on the site?

Well, I mean I’ve blocked it out, but you might have it in your Google cache.

Anyway, that was embarrassing, huh? Really just a big humiliation sandwich. But I’ve come along way since then. Really a long way. And that’s just not something I would ever do now. No way.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yes. I have 30 days to raise $8,000.

No, no, wait, this isn’t anything like last time. This is happy begging! I’m in escrow!

So I am going to be launching a fund raising offensive over here, and I’m going to start by selling everything that isn’t nailed down. Good stuff too, like memorabilia, collectibles, letters from Kevin Spacey, Disneyana and rare Paul Winchell ephemera.

I’m even selling a signed and numbered Mary Ryden lithograph, a signed an numbered edition of Anima Mundi and a little sketch Mark did for me on a Christmas card years ago. That’s actually valuable!

What else?

Oh, okay, how about this? How about the book Martha Stewart signed for me on her show, and the yellow rain slicker I wore with the Hello My Name Is April sticker on it? And a signed 8 x 10? Okay, that’s maybe not as valuable as the Mark Ryden stuff, but hell, it was on television and everything!

Gina had an interesting idea, too. She suggested that if I hit the $8,000 mark, I do a live videocast on Ustream! I don’t even know what that is, but I’ll do it!

Or wait – you can hire me to do shit! Outgoing messages, ringtones, phone calls to loved ones, happy birthday songs, wake up calls, whatever. I’ll even call your mom and tell her off for you. What do I care? I wasn’t in the will anyhow.

And did you notice that some kind soul took out an ad to say Happy Anniversary to their loved one? How cute is that? $20 for a week of publicly displayed affection, or even hostility! How about that? Take out an ad just to say, “Hey fuckace, eat my ass!” That beats the hell out of a Forget Me Not™ bouquet!

Of course, you can always just click the picture of the house up there and go to Paypal, and slip me a couple of bucks for services rendered. If every person who downloaded those Obama mp3s gave me a penny, I’d have over $30,000 (and if your mother had a dick, she’d be your father).

Or you could just donate to my house fund out of good old fashioned decency, or empathy, or gratitude, or guilt or whatever else I can get over on you.

So that’s what’s going on over here for the next month. Sell, sell, sell.

A Dub is in the house!

Or she will be when escrow closes.

As always, a portion of every sale and donation will benefit Project Angel Food, a charitable organization in Los Angeles which delivers lovingly prepared meals to men, women and children living with AIDS.

The cardboard boxes have been broken down, the Keurig is plugged in, and as a bonus, I found my underpants last night in a box of CDs. I don’t know if it means anything, but Tony Danza was in the crotch.

I love it here more than I can say. We have a washer and dryer, the dogs have two patios and I have my own little studio downstairs.

Most importantly, I’m near a Gelsons again. Thank you, baby Jesus in the hay.

Speaking of my office, I made a little tactical error there.

I thought if I could see everything, I could be more organized about where it all goes. So I dragged all the boxes marked “OFFICE” into the room, closed the door and unpacked them.

It took me about 15 minutes to crawl out.

I can’t actually find my desk, though I have it on good authority that it’s in there. So I think it will be a few days until I’m able to podcast again. I plan on using Sunday to get it all set up and running. I would probably have been able to get it done this week, but I have to write and produce a new radio spot for Big Bear on Friday, and that’s going to take whatever energy I have left – which isn’t much after watching this last night.

Speaking of terrifying television, look at this post on Craigslist yesterday:

If you don’t think that’s going on my Tivo season pass, you don’t even know me.

One of our dogs, a Wire Fox Terrier named Mac, has a thing for small spaces. Any place she can fit is the place to be.

She climbs into boxes, sits in the hamper, sleeps in the closet — she even did this last year, which was really odd. Although, to be fair, it was summer.

I don’t know for certain why she does this, but we did rescue her out of a pet shop where she’d spent 5 months in a cage. We think maybe getting into these little spaces is comforting in some way.

Anyway, we’re moving on Friday, so we’ve been packing up the place. And Mac seems to have developed an interest in empty cabinets.

Last night, as we were packing up the kitchen, we noticed Mac sniffing out the cabinet where we’d been keeping our pots and pans. We watched in amazement as she slowly crawled all the way inside, until just her tail was sticking out.

John got down on the floor and tried to coax her out, but she was too busy licking the wall at that point. So John carefully closed the cabinet door.

After about five seconds he opened it back up again, and she she was now facing the other way. It was like David Copperfeld, only entertaining.

I suppose it’s possible that she may lose interest in this little game as the years go on, and she’s solved all the mysteries she cares to.

Fortunately for us, she’s passed her love of the sport onto future generations.

The office is finished. Yes, you read that correctly.

Don’t believe me? All right, I’ll prove it.

Take a look at this:

Before

After

Pretty impressive, wouldn’t you say? And better lighting too, so now you can even see the black dog. Though between you and me, she’s not so photogenic.