There are two things in this world that I find hard to believe:

1. Someone didn’t know that Clay Aiken was gay
2. Someone gives a shit

And yet, today there is a flurry of activity in the Claynation, as the Claymates try to come to terms with the fact that their favorite little American Idolator is a bonafide twink.

What kind of people, you may wonder, actually have to process the sexual orientation of a complete stranger? Who in their right mind needs emotional support from other strangers, to accept someone else’s private life? What kind of narcissist turns everything into something they personally have to overcome?

Well, the kind of people who have sexual feelings for Clay Aiken. Or more precisely, Christian women of a certain age, who today are sobbing into their Laura Ashley bedspreads and wondering why no one loved him enough to pray the gay away.

For God’s sake, will no one pray for ranaeaiken? Hasn’t she been through enough? She made someone she never met a Christian role model because she liked him on TV. Now what is she supposed to? Learn how to spell “pedestal”?

And maybe it does sound dramatic, but those are her honest feelings! And everyone is entitled to their real, honest feelings, even if they make you uncomfort– wait.

Fortunately, not everyone is taking this approach. NClayolina, for example, is just plain mad. And who could blame her? After all, Clay Aiken ruined Christmas.

How can she listen to O Holy Night, knowing he desires unholy nights?

How can she listen to Santa Claus is Coming, when he might be coming on Clay’s face?

How can she look at gaily wrapped packages?

How can she stuff the turkey when Clay is probably getting the same treatment in a hotel room near an air force base? It’s enough to turn a girl Jewish.

Fortunately, she has resolved to look past Clay’s charity work so she can ridicule him forever, which is all any of us can really ever do. She’ll just stand up and say, “Lord, grant me the serenity to mock the things I cannot change.” She used to be able to pray on her knees, but that’s something else Clay ruined for her.

By the way, isn’t it interesting that people decrying homosexuality always use the expression “shoving it down my throat”? Just once I’d like to hear someone say, “I’m sick and tired of having their alternative lifestyle lubed up and repeatedly shoved up my hot, willing ass.”

Dear Christina,

Suzanne Somers

Dear Suzanne,

Thank you for your deeply personal and not at all exploitive letter, which you thoughtfully published in People Magazine. Some might see that as a cynical way to get attention by piggybacking on my misfortune, but maybe you just didn’t know how to reach me.

In any case, I’m relieved to hear that I’m in “no rush” to make decisions regarding my cancer treatment. Here I was, thinking that malignant tumors and a history of breast cancer in my family meant I should actually do something!

Then there was that stupid oncologist, who had the nerve to tell me that I tested positive for the BRCA1 gene mutation linked to breast and ovarian cancer. If he had told me to “use my cancer to learn and grow”, it would have been a different story, believe me.

I just wish you’d have written to me sooner with some of your scientifically sound alternatives. I could have rubbed crystals on my nipples and douched with rain forest water.

Anyway, no use crying over spilled milk (lol). I had a double mastectomy three weeks ago to spare myself years of fear and worry.

But thanks for the thought. There’s really nothing like a washed up, aging huckster with a face full of poison giving you medical advice in the pages of the tabloids.

Sincerely,

Christina Applegate

Dear Christina,

Suzanne Somers

Dear Suzanne,

I think I’m going to pass on the book, because the chemo is already making me slightly queasy. But I’m sure if you have something valuable to say to me, you’ll have it published.

Hey, did you ever see Bullitt? It’s a great movie. I watched it when I was recuperating from surgery.

Do you realize that if Steve McQueen hadn’t gone to Mexico to treat his cancer with coffee enemas and peach pits, he would have been 68 today? That’s almost as old as you!

Christina Applegate

Dear Christina,

Suzanne Somers

Dear Suzanne,

I still have my career.

Sincerely,

Christina Applegate

In case you were reading something else for the last few days, I should tell you that The Miracle Theater Company is a Christian theater in Pigeon Forge, which cranks out a hackneyed passion play complete with live goats and crapping donkeys every week.

But I like to think of them as the good folks who threw 110K at USA Today to promote their “petition” against Kathy Griffin.

Ordinarily, a Christian organization – particularly one that actually uses the bible as a moneymaker – might have given that money to poor people in the community, or perhaps fund some sort of program for the homeless or underprivileged kids.

But that’s not the Miracle way. You can’t just do good things if no one’s going to give you any press! Those seats aren’t going to fill themselves, you know. And have you priced hay lately?

In any case, The Miracles have another show running, I guess on the off nights, when the goats need a break.

It’s called The Triumphant Quartet, and it’s apparently a concert of gospel music, otherwise known as a 2 hour sleeping pill.

But something about their web site seemed wrong.

What could it be?

Got it yet? I numbered it for you to help you out.

More archived shows

There are four more shows in the archives, including the most recent show from Sunday:

• KFI – July 7, 2001
• KABC – July 8, 2005
• KABC – June 10, 2005
• KTLK – September 23, 2007

Many thanks to longtime ex-listener SoCalFKK for recording the show, editing it and sending it to me. He’s been doing this sort of thing for me for a long time now. In fact, I only have some of these shows because of him.

Weirdly, he turns out to be my neighbor.

And I don’t mean “neighbor” as in, he also lives in Los Angeles, I mean “neighbor” as in, he lives across the street from me.

I have been offering to buy him a cup of coffee at the Coffee Bean down the block, but he’s being very coy. I urge all of you to post comments in this thread, pressuring him to let me buy him a God damned latte already.

I don’t much care for issues. I don’t talk to interesting people, I don’t pontificate about world affairs, and I don’t interview authors about their books, largely because I can’t read.

No, I prefer to complain about nothing in particular until I’m sick to death of the sound of my own voice, and then I drive home where I’m greeted by the most wonderful man in the world who pretends my show was great, and that he wasn’t in fact, listening to the ballgame.

Nonetheless, I have a radio show tomorrow afternoon, and that means I have to find something or other to fill two hours with. So I was delighted when my friend Gina sent this to me a few hours ago.

It’s a link to a petition entitled, Christians say, Enough is Enough!, and it was created in response to Kathy Griffin’s remarks upon winning a Creative Emmy last week for Outstanding Reality Program:

“I guess hell froze over,” Griffin announced. “A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this. He had nothing to do with this. Suck it, Jesus! This award is my god now.”

Now, I suppose I could understand why a Christian would find this offensive. It’s their belief system, after all, and people tend not to have a great sense of humor about that sort of thing. Just ask the Danish newspaper that printed the Muhammed cartoons.

What confused me was the purpose of such a petition. What did these highly offended people want to achieve by saying, for the record, that the heavenly father should not be told to suck it? Is Jesus supposed to read it? What change do they expect as a result?

I’ve been scanning the signatures for a while now, and I still don’t know the answer to any of those questions. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t gotten an education.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. God’s hate is everywhere

Linda F. Simpson: Why is it alright to blaspheme God and not to say unkind things about homosexuals?

Linda wants to know why Christians can’t be hateful and intolerant too. Not that they aren’t already, but wouldn’t it be great to just seek to deny the rights of others without having to look for bible verses to justify it every time?

2. We won’t tolerate intolerance

Burton and Kaye Grogan: Attacks on Christianity should not be tolerated period.

Blah, blah, blah. What about the homos?

3. What about the homos?

Now you’re talking. This is a much bigger opportunity than Kathy Griffin’s immortal soul. After all, Jesus is reading this, isn’t he?

Mary Kay Culp: I’m happy to sign this petition because I’ve been upset about Kathy Griffin ever since I saw a promo on Bravo TV for her hosting the GAY PORNO AWARDS. I went to Bravo’s website and sent them an email about how disgusted I was. I know people who tell me she expresses often how much she loved her father. I really know little about her. But the gay porno awards? Unbelievable, and unbelievable that Bravo would air such a thing.

Yes, Mary Kay, it is unbelievable that the network that made Tim Gunn a star would run a program targeted to a gay audience. Beyond the pale, really.

And good for you for sending an email based on a promo you didn’t understand! Ok, maybe Bravo did not, in fact, run the Gay Porno awards (it was an episode of Kathy Griffin’s show, which focused on her hosting an adult awards show that wasn’t even televised). The important thing is you tried to get someone fired.

Which brings us to…

4. I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death my right to keep you from saying it

Frankie Peale: She should be fired.

Greg Runner: Whats good for the goose is good for the gander-Griffin must be punished like Imus.

Nancy Jenkins: If Ms. Griffin isn’t asked to apologize…and if it isn’t publicized as WIDELY as her remarks were, then you can expect to find your awards unviewed by millions of Christians. You can count on it.

And lo, the lord said unto thee, “Threaten and extort thy dissenters, or boycott until yonder business is in the shitter, for thy voice is the only voice, and all others must be threatened with unemployment unless they speak exactly as thee does.”

-Testicles, Chapter 11

5. Say what now?

Ok, I didn’t exactly get what these people were talking about, but you know, I’m half Jewish.

Anthony Patrick Mack: Its a good thing to pray for those who hate us, but when they move against us, we are not to be victims. We have a right and a duty to defend our lives, families and our property.

I must have missed the part of the story where Kathy Griffin was part of a home invasion robbery ring.

Nick Tummers: If they don’t like it, let them go to Canada!

Yeah! Nobody believes in God up there!

Kari F: I’m sick at how Hollywood continues to spit in the face of Jesus Christ! The only reason it keeps happining is because we allow it. Kathy Griffin would NEVER have dared to say anything like that about Muhammed!

Hallelujah! Speak truth to power, Kari F.! We should be blowing people up for jokes like this. We should be throwing rocks at women for singing and dancing. Well, maybe just Celine Dion. But still, it’s progress. And it’s the way Jesus likes it. It says so in the book of Moron.

Marcia Sharon Franklin: What about Sally Field also?

Heavenly Father, please tell Marcia what petition we’re on.

So those are all pretty good lessons. But I still kept wondering who came up with this petition, and what they were hoping to accomplish.

And then I saw it.

Very small, in the upper left hand corner:

www.miracletheater.com.

Huh.

Of course I clicked on it. And it all became pretty clear at that point.

This petition was started by a theater in Pigeon Forge Tennessee, as a way to get press for their show. Yes, they too, are in “show business”. And fortunately for them, no one is starting a petition to close down their show.

At least, not yet.

From Wikipedia:

One of the theater’s main touting points is that its show features live animals such as horses, camels, sheep and even a donkey.

And so, until Ingrid Newkirk gets wind of all this, The Miracle Theater is enjoying the fruits of their labor, not yet realizing that silencing someone with a different opinion opens the door for someone else to do that to you.

And perhaps even more ironically, they are now obligated to keep Kathy Griffin’s comments alive and in the public consciousness. They themselves must repeat the very words they claim to find so offensive, and they must do it often in order to get the most value from the arrangement.

Because now, the Miracle Theater is in business with Kathy Griffin. Every hit they get on their web site, every ticket sold, every penny they rake in, every interview they give will be courtesy of Kathy Griffin.

And they have invested heavily in her. This petition was actually advertised in USA Today by way of a full page ad the company took out, at a cost of over $90,000.

$90,000 to bring out the worst specimens on the internet, the ones who give Christianity a bad name. $90,000 to put a petition in place that will go to no one, serve no one and change nothing, but gives representatives of their faith forum to write things like this:

Joe and Carol Schulte: When you say bad things about Jesus or God you are asking for trouble. I would not be surprised if Kathy dies.

Well, what did you expect? This is what happens when you reflexively fight the battles, but never stop to define the war. You become everything you rail against and worse, because you profit from the very intolerance, fear and hatred you claim to be fighting.

But then I started thinking.

What could $90,000 do in Pigeon Forge? Besides promote some shitty community theater Jesus musical full of camels and horses pissing all over the stage?

Well, I imagine a contribution that size from a Christian entity would create a lot of goodwill, and have a real impact on the community. That’s a lot of meals in shelters, a lot of new clothes for poor kids, a lot of medicine for someone who can’t afford it. Maybe even a new home for some deserving family.

Pigeon Forge is not exactly rich. The median income is $16,000, and there are a lot of poor and homeless there. They also have a fairly large population of people over the age of 65 who live alone.

Now, I will admit that I am not a religious person, so I’m ignorant about how such things work. But I would think that $90,000 from a Christian business would be better spent on services for seniors, living alone, who have probably given much of the income to local churches all their lives.

How many meals can $90,000 buy? How many visits can they get from young Christian men and women who can read to them, or do their shopping or take them to the doctor? You can buy a lot of companionship and humanity with that much money. You can invest it back into your church or organization through good works, enriching the lives of the people you touch, and insuring that future generations will follow suit, positively influenced by the examples they’ve been fortunate enough to witness.

Or, you can shovel it all into USA TODAY, and be lining tomorrow’s goat pen at Dollywood.

Congrats, Miracle Theater. Here’s to a sell-out season.

I’ll be on with Mr. K (aka Marc Germain) on KTLK 1150 AM tomorrow for all four hours!

Tune in at 3:00 PM. or click here to listen to live streaming.

I’ll be sitting in from 3:00 to 7:00 PM, talking about all kinds of things. Really super important things. Like I always do.

Actually, I will have some real news. I have a big update on my CVS story.

Last week, I posted a piece about cockfighting videos for sale at my neighborhood CVS. I’m happy to say that a major network news outlet picked up the story on Friday, and as a result, there have been some big developments.

Just call me Erin Cockavich.!

So I’ll be talking about that, and about how much I hate Al Roker.

By the way, I have an MP3 of Al Roker making fun of gay men on the Today Show. That’s okay, right?

I’m pretty sure it is, because gay people don’t count.

CBS – the same people who fired Don Imus to change “a culture that permits a certain level of objectionable expression that hurts and demeans a wide range of people” – are now defending morning radio hosts on WFNY for throwing a bisexual musician out of the studio, and calling him “Fag Number One”. The station manager says, “It’s comedy”.

Come on! It’s funny! Loosen up, will you? It’s not like he was black.

John Mainelli, Program Director, WFNY, 92.3 Free FM
john.mainelli@cbsradio.com

Thomas Chiusano, President and General Manager, WFNY 92.3 Free FM
thomas.chiusano@cbsradio.com

Karen Mateo, CBS Vice President of Communications
karen.mateo@cbsradio.com

You know, I’m convinced that gay people need their own Al Sharpton.

Of course, he’d have to have a better hair cut.

The team met with Imus for three hours on Thursday night at the governor’s mansion in Princeton, shortly after Imus was fired from his radio show by CBS.

A person who attended the meeting, who spoke on condition of anonymity, told The Associated Press that coach Stringer opened the meeting with a statement, and was followed by Imus.

After the meeting, the team voted on whether or not to accept Imus’ apology.

“We are in the process of forgiving,” Stringer read from a team statement Friday.

Isn’t that beautiful? God’s love is everywhere!

I am reminded of Mathew 6:14-15:

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you put it to a vote and the majority isn’t into it… fuck it.

Compassion by committee. It’s just another wonderful lesson these women have received in the last week or so. How blessed they were to have so many eager teachers!

Bloated weather clown Al Roker, for example. He taught them that change comes from without. If it is to be… it’s up to you.

He also taught them that at the end of the day, a black woman’s self worth is in the hands of some old white guy you never heard of.

That was a hard lesson! Fortunately, Coach Stringer reinforced it again and again. Imus “had stolen their dreams”, “taken their joy” and “robbed them of their dignity”.

Eventually, it took!

What a proud moment when player Matee Ajavon said, “I think that this has scarred me for life.” If I were entrusted to help shape a young woman’s sense of self, that’s exactly what I’d like her to say about a joke she didn’t hear on the radio.

And there were more teachers with more lessons, lining up to burden them with a humiliation that should have never been theirs.

Oh sure, Imus did his part. But it takes a village to turn winners into victims.

And they were winners. Before Obama and Oprah and other opportunists started force feeding degradation to these girls, they were role models. Strong, brave, hard working athletes, who had struggled to succeed in a male dominated sport. They were fighters, tough girls who had demanded – and earned – respect and dignity.

Can you imagine then, what their response would have been if they were left to their own devices?

I can.

They would have told us, in no uncertain terms, that they couldn’t care less.

They would have told us that they knew who they were, and nobody was going to take anything away from them. They would have reminded all the young, impressionable women watching them, that words have no power unless we give them power. They would have been heroes.

And they would have probably even reminded us that they did not win the championship, and that the media circus was robbing Tennessee of their moment in the sun.

I really believe that. I believe, before they were co-opted by media jackals and race baiters, that this is what was in their hearts.

But they didn’t get the chance to speak for themselves. Important people got involved, and told the world how weak they were.

And that’s when they lost their dignity.

I keep thinking about something Vivian Stringer said in one of her many television appearances over the last few weeks, as she slowly morphed into Cicely Tyson:

“…not only did (Imus) steal our dream, he hurt our character.”

Well, I’ll meet you halfway, Viv. Your character has definitely taken a hit. But you can’t lay that on Imus.

Imus hurt his own character. You did the rest. You, and anyone else who convinced those women to give up their self-esteem. You did real harm.

But at least they didn’t leave empty handed, right?

There were press conferences, photo opportunities, trips, meetings with government leaders and a guest shot on Oprah! And don’t think it’s over yet!

I predict the cover of People will be next, an endorsement deal with Black and Lovely Hair Products, shooting hoops with Leno and the feel-good-movie-of-the-year:

I come away from this with a few lessons of my own:

1. It’s very dangerous to be human. Human beings make mistakes, and mistakes are not forgiven until you’ve been completely humiliated and destroyed. And even then, it has to pass a vote.
2. Some words are inherently racist. No matter what context you put them in, they will always be offensive. Unless you’re Snoop, because then we’re talking about ho’s that’s in the ‘hood that ain’t doing shit, that’s trying to get a nigga for his money.
3. Racial division is created and encouraged by the very people who claim to be fighting it, because they’re the ones who profit. They’ll throw a whole basketball team under the bus if it means 10 minutes on Hannity.
4. Black or white, Maya Angelou sucks.

I’m not happy about any of this, believe me. I hate hypocrisy, and I’m angrier and more disappointed in the media than I have been in a long time.

But I’m in the process of forgiving.