I don’t know what’s funnier about this; the sound the turtle is making, or the fact that YouTube thinks is this “Adult content”.

In case you missed my Twitter update, I was the stunned recipient of a marriage proposal by the delicious John Foley on Saturday night. Of course I said yes.

Seriously, have you seen this dude?

-Submitted by Micah

I can’t even believe this gorgeous man comes home to me every night.

And here’s the thing. He’s beautiful all the way through. Just an incredibly warm, loving, decent, smart, kind, funny, sweet, patient, generous man.

Whatever. He’s hot as shit.

I love this man more than words can express. We have one of the happiest, healthiest, most loving and supportive relationships I’ve ever had. I am unbelievably happy.

Some of you may be asking, “April, what’s the secret of your happiness? Do you take drugs?”

Well, yes. But that’s not it.

No the secret is in this little book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, two Jewish princesses who have made a cottage industry of cuckolding for diamonds. Follow the rules and you’ll get that ring on your finger, they promise, and really, who wouldn’t want a marriage based on manipulation and dishonesty?

Now I realize this method of pretending to be busy is hard to master. Do you answer on the third ring? Do you run around your apartment so you sound out of breath when you pick up, giving the illusion that you have a life of some sort? Do you follow him in your car so you can run into him and pretend to be in a hurry to go somewhere else? Or do you just bludgeon him with a tire iron when you find him talking to another woman at Subway? It’s all so complicated.

Fortunately, Sherrie and Ellen have broken it down for us by putting the rules to music. And they really put the icing on the whore by rapping the thing themselves!

Yo, yo, yo! Straight outta New Rochelle! MC Fein and Mixmaster Schneider in the hizzy!

I’ll be back in a few days. I expect you to have this memorized by the time I get back.

Unless you don’t really want to fall in love.

It's a combination of things I guess. There's the holiday tomorrow, and in just a few days, it will be the one year anniversary of his death.

This morning, in a weird coincidence, I was given an amazing collection of photographs; mostly publicity stills from various televsion and stage appearances my father made early in his career. I had only seen a few of them before, and many of them were just a revelation to me. I can't believe he was ever that young.

There are plenty of shots with famous people, like Lucy, Rocky Marciano, Angela Lansbury, Peter Lorre, Veronica Lake, and in a particularly odd grouping, Jerry Mahoney, Martin Landau and Barbara Bain. I have no explanation for that one, but I also can offer no justification for the shirtless bodybuilding photos taken well in his 70's. Did I mention the snakeskin briefs he's wearing in those? Because that made me want to wash my eyes with bleach.

The real find came in the form of some shots taken on the set of what appeared to be a variety show with a baseball theme. I was thrilled by those, because Jerry Mahoney is wearing a Red Sox uniform, which afforded me the opportunity to tell my friend Gina in Boston that only dummies like the Sox.

Now, normally I wouldn't even know to make a joke like that. My dad might be wearing a uniform in that picture, but we never watched a ball game in our house. My parents had no interest in sports, so us kids never developed an appreciation for it.

But two things have happened in the last year that changed all that.

First, I fell in love with a Yankees fan. That means ball games are on my TV for the first time ever. And I like it.

I like that it's summer, and the breeze comes in through the sliding glass door while we sit and watch. I like that the dogs sit on the couch with us, and Mac will sometimes chew an old Yankees cap that John gave her. I like that I know that Jorge Posada scored a walk off home run against the Texas Rangers. I even like hearing John call Derek Jeter a pussy when he gets mad.

And second, my dear friend Gina, who I have been corresponding with for a while now, has become one of the people I love the most in the world. And she's a Red Sox fan.

Gina and John have also become good friends. Neither one of them can really believe they are fraternizing with the enemy, but their love of the game transcends their petty grievances. And they are both extremely knowledgable about the sport. During every Sox and Yankees match, I hear the sound of furious text messages being sent across the miles.

So today, when I sent one of these photos to Gina so I could make with the Red Sox for dummies joke, I mentioned that John thought he saw Mickey Mantle in the group behind my dad. Gina agreed. When I sent her two other shots, she responded by saying that there were many Hall of Famers in the group. She even figured out what show the photos were from in just a few minutes!

It turns out the shots are from a 1957 NBC special called "Saturday Color Carnival: Salute to Baseball" (you can read all the details here). The show was hosted by Gene Kelly, and brought together stars from show business and baseball to celebrate the opening of the 1957 baseball season.

It turns out that it was Mickey Mantle in that shot. He was a 1956 MVP, and was featured in the show. Lots of great players were. So I asked Gina to tell me who she saw in the crowd, and she came through.

Now, there are a few missing here, so if you happen to know who the mystery men are, let me know.

1. Pee Wee Reese
2. ?
3. Johnny Antonelli
4. George Kell
5. Ted Williams
6. ?
7. Herb Score
8. Robin Roberts
9. Eddie Yost
10. Bob Friend
11. Stan Musial
12. Billy Pierce
13. Ernie Banks
14. Harvey Kuenn
15. Don Newcombe
16. Eddie Matthews

Group shot 2

Group shot 3

By the way, the line up in this last photo, from left to right:

Ed Gardener
Frankie Fontaine
Robert Alda
Tony Bennett
Janis Paige
Jerry Mahoney and friend
Lu Anne Simms
Bill Hayes
Bob Strauss

So there you have it. A little something for summer, for baseball, for Father's Day.

Have a good Sunday, and try to forget that it isn't really Wing coming to Santa Monica next week; it's some dirty hippie named "Ed Wing", who does horse shit new age music that all of us could live long and happy lives without.

I’m talking to you

Okay, so first things first.

I will be on with Mr. KABC tomorrow from 9:00 to midnight, and I am bringing music with me that is so frightening, it defies description. If you plan to listen to the show, put the cats outside to protect the drapes.

Among the important topics I’ll be covering are the steadily decreasing intelligence of people who work for the airlines, why you shouldn’t talk to people in waiting rooms, how to eat fried foods exclusively for 6 weeks and dear sweet Jesus, how much do I hate Verizon?

Tune to KABC AM 790 at 9:00 PM, or listen to live streaming here.

So now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about some other crap.

First of all, I have some eBay auctions up. It seems like a good time, since I’m moving in a few weeks (details on that tomorrow night) and would like to bring less crap with me. And moving is always expensive, so a few extra bucks won’t hurt.

So far, everything is moving along pretty well, with one horrific exception: no one is bidding on the souvenir yarmulke from Roseanne and Tom Arnold’s wedding.

Does that make sense? None of you people want to own that and display it proudly in your own home?

I don’t even know you anymore.

All right, let’s just move on, because I’m so disappointed I’m close to tears, and damn it, I don’t want to cry today.

I just got back from a trip to Boston with my wonderful boyfriend. We were there for New Year’s Eve and my birthday and it was amazing. Walking around in the snow like that, with scarves and everything, all in love and shit, well it was just like Love Story. Except with thyroid cancer and not whatever the hell it was that Ali McGraw got.

Boston Gina, long time ex-listener and mastermind behind Snark City, was kind enough to take John and I out for my birthday on the 4th. We went to a place called Jasper White’s Summer Shack, which is sort of an indoor clambake. How great is that? It’s snowing outside, and the guy is making fried clams and corn dogs. This is the way to live.

Anyway, somehow or other, the Boston Herald picks this up as a story, and actually reports it in their gossip section.

Okay, so a few questions.

First, how did Gina become my personal assistant? Why is this newsworthy? And most importantly, who gives a rat’s ass? Who the hell am I? I’m not even on the radar in Los Angeles, who cares what I’m doing in Boston?

The important thing is, I’m working on something for you.

I’m adding a new section to the site that I think you’ll like. I’ve been getting lots of requests for this sort of thing, and I hope to have it up and running in a week or less. It depends how much time I have to put against it with the move coming up and everything. We’ll see.

In the meantime, here are 5 web sites that have my complete attention at the moment.

Buy some body parts
Who do you look like?
Sex doll polaroids
The best stuffed animals ever
Tony and me