Hi April,

I have been searching for the above mp3 now since last Christmas but to no avail.

Today I was doing a bit of surfing as you do and came across a thread saying that you have it on your site. I have been searching for it and as yet I haven’t found it.

Would it be possible for you to guide me in the right direction so I can download it? You will make one sixty year old lady very happy.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this as I know you are a very busy lady.

- Pat (Wales, UK)

I don’t know what I like best about all of this; the fact that people from Wales are talking about my mp3s, that I was able to find this song in about three minutes and now have it up on my site, or that someone called me a “lady”.

In any case, here’s your track. It’s a stinker.

Dear April,

Just a short note to tell you that in fact the people in the video are speaking Cantonese. My wife is from HK, so I recognize it. I can see that the Hello Kitty would make you think Japan, but in fact it is very popular in Hong Kong.

Yah….hello there HATER! Things working out for ya? Is that because YOU didn’t make it? Is that because YOU are the prblem? How many people (including yourself) do you lie to? How many do you really take credit for? All of those HARD woking people that really give a shit…and yoiu think that Karma isn’t coming for you? What because you USE everybody….dream on little bitch. It is..and always will be a balance….you cannot live on THAT side and pretend….because it’s do or die and well….you have already proclaimed your lack of luster for other things that are living. Good luck with that. Have fun with her twin sister Fate. I feel sorry for you…not that I really even should but go ahead and “write that down.” You never know when that MIGHT be worth something….

Via Con Dios El Diablo~

Nathaniel Messenger has sent you YOUR MESSAGE.

Hey, if you like Christopher Walken reciting poetry, you’ll LOVE watching him cook a chicken.

Well, there you go. Quality infotainment. I just wonder if he hid his watch up there.

Heh.

All right, let’s move on, shall we? I can’t sit here and pretend to be clever all day. I have things to do.

From: Steve

I know you’ve been working your mouse to its proverbial bone, but there are two songs from recent radio shows that bring my day to a screeching halt: That’s Why I’m Dumping You, Bitch and Colors of the Wind. A full-quality version of each (with artist credit) would be a gift that keeps on giving.

I’m reminded of a quote; “Sometimes when God gives us a gift, He forgets to wrap it.”

Well, that is a beautiful quote, Steve, and I can only hope you have it worked into a piece of needlepoint somewhere in your trailer.

The first song you requested is actually called The Sensitive Song, and is sung by Stephen Lynch. I’m going to* convert it into an mp3 for you, and post it in the library. Won’t that be good?

*Notice I said, going to. Because it’s not happening today.

However, I have uploaded Marla Weiner’s jaw-dropping version of Colors of the Wind to the MP3 Library. You’ll find it under “Completely Fucking Awful”.

I’m a little sad about that track though. A Google search has revealed that it’s a put-on by an actress named Marla Mindelle.

I guess I’m always sad when something I think is real and terrible turns out to be fake and terrible.

Search and Destroy

I went to a web site yesterday that generates reports on your traffic and readership. These reports let you see where most of your visitors come from, and what they click on. That can be very helpful, because it allows you to give people more of what they want, and less of what they don’t.

You know, if you give a rat’s ass.

What really got my attention were the search results.

These are the terms that people put into Google or Yahoo, and lead them to my little corner of the web. Seeing what searches yield the most hits tells me what people are looking for, and I can use that information to get more readers!

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Very interesting.

So what have we we learned today?

“Pron” comes somewhere between French farce and Jim Nabors - as in real life.

More people want to see Elvis in his casket than Tiger Woods play golf.

Illinois citizens enjoy breast cakes and accordion sex. And having spent a weekend in Elgin, I’m not at all surprised.

Paris Hilton’s snatch is more popular than her vagina, but people still mistake the echo for yodeling.

Only 1 person is looking for Bono humor, and he still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.

0.90% of the people who come here are not gay. But they like your booty.

From: april@aprilwinchell.com
Subject: It’s me again
Date: January 10, 2007 11:10:04 AM PST
To: (REMOVED)

Dear Walt, Cristina, Adrienne and Betsy,

I’m surprised to have to write to you all again so soon.

I really thought my last email, begging you to intercede and get me off your relentless mailing list, might have moved you.

But clearly, you guys over at InsuranceBroadcasting.Com have bigger fish to fry.

Oh, I’ve tried all the traditional avenues now. I’ve “unsubscribed” via your web site, I’ve “unsubscribed” by writing directly to acinatech@yahoo.com, I’ve “unsubscribed” by writing to you all personally. None of it seems to be working.

Sometimes I get the same newsletter 6 or 7 times a day. So I’m guessing that every time I hit “unsubscribe”, your web site reads that as, “Hey send that to me again, will you?”

Here’s the really kooky part: I never signed up for the newsletter to begin with! In fact – and Walt, I know you’ll find this hilarious – I don’t even WORK in the insurance business! Is that a hoot or what?

Yeah.

So anyhow, I was thinking about how to make this stop, as I do every morning when I open my email and find your newsletter, and I remembered something I read once.

It was an article about how to help yourself when you’re being mugged or assaulted. It said you should tell your attacker your name, so you become an actual, living person, instead of stranger they can violate without remorse.

So, hi. I’m April Winchell.

I live in Santa Monica with my boyfriend and two dogs. I’m on the radio in Los Angeles from time to time, and I run a popular website. Right now, I’m working on a TV show that will debut next month on Fox news. And yesterday, I taped a test for HBO. Isn’t that great? I’m really excited about it.

I had a birthday last week and my boyfriend John took me to San Francisco. He’s a very nice man.

I stopped smoking last year when I found out I had cancer. Oh, I’m fine now, so don’t worry. You guys are so sweet.

Maybe in the spring, I’ll go to Vegas with my friend Gina, who lives in Boston. She’s great.

There’s so much more I can tell you that you don’t care about. But I think I’ll save it for tomorrow.

Happy New Year!

April Winchell

From: dave@davidjcummings.com
Subject: WAA WAAA
Date: August 13, 2006 7:07:05 PM PDT
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Man all you do is cry about what a loser you are . . . no wonder you can’t get good work . . .

I used to listen to you many years ago on KFI and I enjoyed you . . .

Now I am located in Las Vegas and don’t hear you so the only way I can see what you are up to is your web site . . .

Why don’t you do something more positive on your site . . . the look is boring . . . your words are always you complaining about something be it your health or the fact no one will hire you . . .

Gees girl. . . revamp and get with it . . .

Revamp your site and make it fun and revamp yourself . . .

Dear Ellipses Fan,

Thank you for setting me straight!

I was under the impression that the decrease of jobs in animation was due to the glut of celebrity casting. Now I know it’s just that I have a boring web site! I’ll make sure I tell all the other voice actors I know who aren’t working.

By the way, if this theory of yours is correct, you might want to start saving your pennies.

See you on the unemployment line!

Oh, so much good mail today!

We've got Jack Klugman news, Paris Hilton snatch fallout, basset hounds, lesbian jokes . . . hot damn, this is almost content!

With so many choices, it's hard to know where to start. Paris Hilton's vagina or Jack Klugman? Jack Klugman or Paris Hilton's vagina? You know, if you look at both of them side by side, it's hard to tell them apart. And has anyone ever seen them in the same room?

All right, I tell you what. Let's just go off the menu and start with a little something I saw this morning on Google News:

Now, maybe it's just me, but do you think it's wise to use the words "taint fears" in a story about Fire Island? I mean holy hell, that could cut the summer tourism down by half.

(John just pointed out that on top of everything else that's wrong with this, it appears to have been written by someone named "Faggy". So I'm at a loss. But then, I'm no journalist.)

All right, that's enough of that. Let's stop whacking ourselves and get into the entertainment portion of the update, shall we?

In response to my posting of Paris Hilton's raggdey ass Shar-Pei of a cooter yesterday, I received this tid-bit:

From: Cameron
Subject: RE: Paris Hilton's Snatch
Date: Jul 9, 2006 10:05 AMYou have seen this?

No. No I have not seen that. Well, I mean I have seen that, the same way we've all seen it by now. It's a national treasure, for God's sake, like the Grand Canyon.

From: purejones
Subject: basset slide show
Date:July 9, 2006 9:38 AM

Not as inspired, perhaps, as the Hasselhoff music video or Paris Hilton's vagina, but I do think it would be worth your while to take a look at my basset hound slide show.

The fact that it is my hound, on my myspace page, may make me somewhat biased, but I am willing to place it before your honest, critical, artistic middle eye.

All right. You win. That's a really cute dog, and the captions are very good. I especially like the one about having "Peta on speed dial".

Speaking of which . . .

WARNING: TANGENT

I've discovered that it takes me about two good sized magazines to get through an hour on the treadmill at the gym.

The good news is that I'm finally catching up on Heather Locklear's life. The bad news is, when I've read all of the really important magazines (like, say, The Star), I have to wade through the left over crap, like the issue of Golf World with Rita Wilson on the cover.

And can I just say how glad I am that she's modeling again?

So anyway, I pick up some horse shit magazine with Alyssa Milano on the cover, out of sheer desperation. It's called Animal World or Animal Times or Really Hairy Women Named Alyssa*, or something along those lines.

*(No, I mean Really Hairy Women Named Alyssa.)

Anyhow, I'm slogging through this magazine, and I get to the interview with the star of "Who's The Sasquatch", and the headlines says, "Why Alyssa Went Vegetarian". And of course, I'm dying to know that, more than almost anything, really.

And I scan down the page a little until I get to it, and it says . . .

"I went vegetarian after 9/11."

Yeah. Because of all those cows and chickens that died that day. She did it for them. I cried a little.

Actually, I turned the magazine over and saw that it was a PETA publication, so I ripped it into shreds and threw it over my head onto the eliptical trainer behind me.

END TANGET

So you all know how wrecked I've been about losing out on that Jack Klugman auction on eBay last week.

I was stunned at the outpouring of grief you all shared with me. I didn't get this much support when I had cancer last year.

From: Rob
Subject: Failed eBay Auction
Date:July 9, 2006 10:43 AM

I've attached an advertisement that will hopefully relieve some of the pain of your recent loss on eBay.

Boy, did it ever! That was one of the finest pieces of Klugorabilia I've ever been seen. And the fact that it's an advertisement for meat makes it even more magical!

I thought that was going to be the highlight of the whole ordeal, but as I always say, "God never closes a window without locking all the doors and setting the house on fire."

Feast your eyes on THIS!

From: JJ
Subject: Winchell Fan Steals Klugman from Dirty Hippie
Date:July 3, 2006 8:21 PM

I've just won the Klugman TV Guide cover art for you. I read your TERRIBLE NEWS post and took a look at the auction, and I'm guessing you may have misread the bidding, because it hadn't yet ended, so I stomped Mr. Coachella Tickets and won the damned thing! And it's a hot item apparently, because I just got an email from another bidder (not hoban1) offering to pay me more for it. He was "out of town" when the bidding closed. Those who don't fight for their Klugman don't fucking get their Klugman. He can bite me.  

Why did I do it? Because I've been on a blissful "April high" for the past month, listening your podcasts, watching your YouTube spots, and perusing your site – it's good to hear your voice and your unique sense of humor on your own show again. I've missed it a lot more than I realized, so this is me saying "Damn, you're funny…and thanks."

You see, people?

That's what I'm talkng about. That's love. That is real love.

Not the cheap, tawdry, I'm-Paris-Hilton-and-this-is-my-tired pussy love, but real, I'm-Nicole-Richie-and-I'm-banging-Jeff-Goldblum love. That's the shit, right there, y'all.

And finally, this email :

From: Karen
Subject: Paris?
Date:July 8, 2006 11:12 PM

April, thanks for sharing, but really. Who the fuck is Paris Hilton anyway, and who gives a shit about her pathetic vagina? How about maybe giving us another video blog, huh? Like, oh I dunno, a "woman on the street" thing in Santa Monica, now that you can roam – maybe a conversation with a homeless person. (It could happen.) Or how about a video of you and Mr. K before show time, or a photo tour of your little car (like what's in *your* trunk?), or a cheap documentary about you at a voiceover gig, or a video visit to that adorable butcher at Gelson's, or possibly some real reality TV about your pot-smoking neighbors juxtaposed with the contents of your refrigerator and/or your medicine cabinet. I mean, c'mon – anything but Paris what's-her-twat.

Let me tell you something about this email, people. It astounds me. And I'll tell you why.

Usually, when I get email from people complaining about something I did or didn't do, that's all that's in it. Just bitching. And that's about as valuable to me as a fart.

But this! This is the perfect email. There are 7 or 8 really good ideas here, and I am thrilled for this kind of input. In fact, I'm going to hook up my little iSight camera to my laptop in a few minutes and go out into the world and make a little movie for you today.

Why? Well, because I care about you. I respect you. I want to please you.

And maybe you'll all follow JJ's lead and buy me shit.

Yee ha! I'm a cam whore!

From: Garysnpa@aol.com
Subject: DEAR APRIL
Date: March 21, 2006 10:41:07 AM PST
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE BAFFOON. AS OLD AS YOU ARE AND STILL UNABLE TO SPEAK PROPER ENGLIH AND TO NEVER HAVE DONE ANYTHING THAT TRULY MATTERS. PLEASE DON’T WRITE BACK. YOU ARE A DISGRACE. I WILL DELETE ANY MAIL FROM YOU BEFORE IT IS READ.

Since Gary doesn’t want to hear from me, perhaps he’d like to hear from you.

Just make sure your email is in englih. And for God’s sake, don’t be a bafoon.

- AW

Actually, I have been unreasonably busy. After many long months of blissful inactivity, I have suddenly been working again, and it’s completely thrown me off my game.

I’ve been working on two Disney films, recorded a new batch of spots for Snow Summit, did a show on Friday with Mr. KABC and just last night had my stand-up debut at Room 5. It’s a terrible period of productivity. Clearly, I’m not drinking enough.

Speaking of Room 5, I want to thank all of you who showed up last night. You’re all just so damn good and loyal, and I appreciate you so much.

Special thanks to Stretch, who took a few photos for me, including this one with Lily Tomlin.

Your Email

Subject: a link
Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2003 23:28:32 -0600
From: Chino (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

It’s all about the footwear.

From your fan In Costa Rica

***

Subject: celebrity sighting
Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2003 18:40:04 -0800
From: Melody (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I saw Anthony Michael Hall walking out after the movie Runaway Jury at the Marina a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I recognized him AFTER he used the urinal next to my friend and not before, or I would have more info for you.

***

Subject: Saint April
Date: Sun, 9 Nov 2003 22:09:24 -0500
From: Keith (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Anyone who makes me laugh as hard as you did the other day DESERVES to be beatified. I laughed so hard that I spat Mr. Pibb all over the computer monitor in the nurse’s station where I was looking at your website. I made it the homepage it on the browser so the nurses in intensive care could enjoy it, too.

***

Subject: Weird story in the Simi Valley Star
Date: Thu, 6 Nov 2003 11:14:18 EST
From: Fred (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

Raymond Garfield Gordon, 23, who was scheduled to be a contestant on the “Canadian Idol” TV show, was arrested in August after an alleged public-masturbation spree, during which at least once he, nude, followed a woman and implored her, “Look at me. Please look at me.”

***

Subject: Bird
Date: Mon, 3 Nov 2003 07:16:59 -0800
From: Chris (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I wanted to show you how my bird gets her bath.

***Subject: Companion Piece
Date: Sun, 2 Nov 2003 23:55:02 EST
From: Jim (REMOVED)
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

I try to limit my submissions (insert S&M joke here) to every-so-often so as not to incur a visit from the April Winchell Stop Fucking With The Boss goon Squad, I really do. But I couldn’t help but think this pic I took in Dublin was a good companion piece to the “woodpride” photo recently up on your site.

Penis News

A bakery which specializes in erotic cakes and pastries has proved a surprise hit with women in Santiago.

The Erotic Bakery sells cakes with icing depicting penises, bums and vaginas, reports Las Ultimas Online.

Owner of the bakery Lucio Penaloza said 90% of his customers were women catering for women-only parties.

“In the beginning people were a bit ashamed of asking about the erotic cakes and cookies but now they just come in and order what they want,” he said.

“Women seem to be a lot more at ease with the idea of ordering the pastries, but we get a lot of men as well ordering for bachelor parties and birthdays.

“People are getting cheeky and coming up with their own ideas and drawings.”

– Submitted by Matt

New MP3

Finally, a new MP3 submitted by a longtime ex-listener whose name I’ve already forgotten. There’s gratitude for you.

I don’t have much to say about this one, except that it’s obviously the reason Liza drinks.

And coming soon . . .

The day after Thanksgiving, I will again be making available the “Seasonal Favorites” category in the Multimedia section. This is the most unpleasant assortment of holiday tunes imaginable, and I couldn’t be prouder.

I suggest you burn them all to CD, and make gifts of them to everyone on your list, or at least the people you particularly dislike.

There are lots of new tracks this year, including a stellar arrangement of Little Drummer Boy, belched out by the melodious Marlene Dietrich.

Christmas uber alles!

Subject: Shatner: Parting Shots
Date: Fri, 20 Sep 2002 19:50:07 -0700
From: Linda M.
To: april@aprilwinchell.com

September 20, 2002

Dear April,

I am officially the dumbest person I know.

However, if you are sending someone even dumber than me to cover the William Shatner Lifetime Achievement Award at the Temecula Valley International Film and Music Festival this Saturday night, be sure to warn him (or her) about the $85 price tag for the “privilege” of seeing William BLOATED Shatner give a gassy, winded, self-congratulatory acceptance speech, replete with illusory appearances and overblown gestures of “connecting” with the audience.

I would love to know if any of Temecula’s sophisticated cosmopolitan residents in attendance think that seeing a swollen and distended Shatner receive an award (confirming what he’s always known about himself) is as exciting as opening a fresh can of corn?

Does he remind you of a tumescent blood sausage, engorged and bulging to the point of ripping at the seams…or is it just me?

And as an inflated, turgid luncheon meat, isn’t it ironic that he’s being honored in the same category as a hamburger (referring to next year’s honoree, Carl Karcher, founder of Carl’s Jr.)? It would almost be worth $85 just to hear him attempt to compare his career to the incomparable Famous Star Hamburger.

That kind of stress might be enough to send the fragile and yet still somehow always flatulent Shatner scurrying to the nearby Pachanga Casino Resort for the all-you-can-stuff-your-red-irritated-face-with-buffet, rationalizing how he ended up in an Indian reservation gaming establishment with a flunkie (like me) asking him low-brow questions such as, “Can you say ‘phat alien dope’ for April’s word list”?

No? OK. How about just the obvious then: “Can you explain yourself?” Or simply…”What happened?!”

Sincerely,

Linda M