Enjoy them now, because they’re going to get real old, real fast

Rudolph (The Five Petals)
Bethlehem Rap (Unknown)
Blue Christmas (Porky Pig)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Jack Klugman)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Barbara Feldon)
Rocking Disco Santa (American Song Poem Archives)
If Bette Davis sang Feliz Navidad (Jimmy James) Web site here
C3PO Christmas (Star Wars TV Special)
Carol of the Bells (Laffy)
Bubble Tub (Carrie Lanza)
Chicken Dreidel (Unknown)
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing (Chinese Children’s Choir)
I Was Santa Claus at the School House for the PTA (Yogi Yorgesson)
I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas (Yogi Yorgesson)
Let it Snow (8 Bit) Made from sampled video game sound effects
An Orphan Christmas (Claire Lane)
12 Days of Christmas (Crazy Drunk Lady)
Sleigh Ride (Dangerwoman)
Sleigh Ride (Jim Nabors)
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (Portsmouth Sinfonia)
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (Shirim) Klezmer Nutcracker
Dominick the Christmas Donkey (Lou Monte)
Donde Esta Santa Claus (Charo)
Santa Claus, Will You Please Come Tonight? (Doug Lewis)
Little Drummer Boy (Marlene Dietrich)
Little Drummer Boy (Surfer version)
Frosty the Snowman (Swedish)
Frosty the Snowman (The Brady Bunch)
Frosty the Snowman (Tuba version)
Hip Hop Frosty (Unknown)
Walking Talking Christmas Tree (Gene London)
Get Your Dreidel On (Unknown)
Merry Christmas (Gordon Thomas)
Hannukah in Santa Monica (Tom Lehrer)
Auld Lang Syne (Jimi Hendrix)
Homo Christmas (Unknown)
Deck the Halls (William Hung)
A Holiday Reminder (William Hung)
Come All Ye Faithful (Inpatient Music Therapy Program)
A Reminder from the Post Office (Jack Webb)
Jingle Cats
Jingle Chicken
Christmas Without Daddy (Joe Walega and His Happy Hearts)
Joy to the World (Wing)
Sally Kellerman butchers a Christmas Carol
Hang Your Balls on My Christmas Tree (Kay Martin)
Night Before Christmas (Jay Leno)
The Christmas Dolly (Little Betty Ashley and J.W. Thompson)
Little Mary Christmas (Unknown)
Happy Birthday, Jesus (Major Bill Smith and Nancy Nolte)
Away in a Manger (Whistled by Fred Lowery)
Mele Kalikimaka (Davey Jones)
Merry Christmas, Neighbor (Cast of Bonanza)
Messiah (Unknown)
Debbie’s Last Christmas (Nancy La Plante)
The world’s worst version of Oh Holy Night (Unknown)
The Restroom Door Said “Gentlemen” (Bob Rivers)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Donald Trump and Regis Philbin) My idea of HELL
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Woody the Woodchuck)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Sonovox)
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (William Hung)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Tiny Tim)
Santa 9-11 (Unknown) Merry fucking Christmas
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (The Brady Bunch)
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Wing)
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (John Davidson)
Santa Face is Bringing Me a Budgie (Freddy Davis)
Santa Wants Lovin’ (Albert Collins)
Silent Night (Dickies)
Silent Night (Eilert Pilarm)
Come All Ye Faithful (Slim Spincter)
Silver Bells (Steve Martin and Paul Simon) During an SNL rehearsal in the 70’s, never aired
Stick ‘Em Up, Santa
A Christmas moment with Sally Struthers
Jingle Bells (Tammy Faye)
Jingle Bells (Wing)
Tastee Christmas (Unknown) Make sure the cat is outside
Trepak (Shirim) Klezmer Nutcracker
Christmas Cookies and Holiday Hearts (The Caroleer Singers)
Three Letters for Christmas (Unknown)
The Christmas Party (Yogi Yorgesson)
Three Kings Rap (Unknown)
All Are Waiting for Christmas (Tommy Christy)
Two Front Teeth (Unknown) Outstanding entry in the “Adult-Singing-As-Lisping-Child” category
Walkin’ ‘Round in Women’s Underwear (Bob Rivers)
Yingle Bells (Yogi Yorgesson)
Here Comes Santa Claus in Black (Voicedude)
Jingle Bell Hustle (Wayne Newton)
Good King Wenceslas (Woody the Woodchuck)
What’s It To Ya? (Unknown)

I must preface this post by saying that I did not create anything you see here. If you read my blog with any regularity, you already know I’m not that creative.

No, every file is real, which means I’m only the curator of this exhibit. If you’re offended by anything you see here, or you think it’s too soon, or you knew someone who knew someone who almost died that day, or you have proof that the Jews all got an email warning them to stay home that day, or Building 7 was actually made of sugar, I don’t know what to tell you. Start with the man in the mirror.

Anyway, there is a lot of crap here, so I’ve taken the liberty of grouping this garbage into the following categories:

Let’s roll!™

• gifs

This was probably the most prolific category of Nine-Elevenalia, and I’m not surprised. After all, in this MySpace-age world we live in, everyone needs a sparkly way to say, “Thanks for the add!” or “Sorry your friends died in that building thingy.”

While there are thousands of glittery memorial snowglobes and weeping eagles on the internet, I have contented myself to show you just a handful. Please download them and put them all over your Facebook today, if only to annoy the terrorists in your extended network.

• music

Of all the tragedy came out of 9/11, nothing is sadder than these.

• tattoos

Unless you put it on your back. Then it’s your wife’s problem.

More here

• merchandise

• personal expression

• inadvertantly offensive

You could make the argument that some of these images were designed to provoke an emotional response, but I think they stop short of pure trolling, which is the gold standard. I also think some of this was pure stupidity, which is not the same as being an asshole.

• deliberately offensive

Trying to make a couple of bucks on 9/11 is one thing.

Trying to get some bullshit advertising award by doing unauthorized, unsolicited work for a charity and making them look like ghouls in the process is something else entirely.

This year’s Twin Douchebag Award goes to . . .

DDB ADVERTISING, BRAZIL

For this spectacularly horrific and ultimately meaningless bit of batshittery.

Dey tol him doan you eva come aroun heeyah
Doan wan to see your faye betha dissapea
Deffiyah in de sigh and de worst a rearry cree
So bead it, juss bead it

You betta run you betta dooo what you ken
Doan wanna see no butt, doan be a metal man
You wanna be top betta dooo what you ken
So bead it, but you wanna be bed

Juss beatty, beatty
No one want to be deep-heated
Show in den how funky and straw is yo fright
It doesn’t matta who is wrong or rye
Juss beady, juss beady
Juss bead it, juss beatty

We ought to gay you, betta leeeeve while you ken
Doan wanna be a boy, wanna be a men
You wanna stay ally, betta dooo what you ken
Juss bead it, juss beady

You have to surround dat you really not scare
You playing wit yo lie, diss ain’t no true or dare
Dey will paint you den dey beat you den dey tell it’s fair
So bead it, but you wanna be bed

Juss beatty, be it
No one want to be dee fee tit
Show in den how funky and straw is yo fright
It doesn’t matta who is wrong or rye
Juss beady, beady
No one want to be defeatty
So in den how funky is straw is yo fie
It doesn’t matta who is wrong or rye
Juss beady
Beady, beady, beally, beatty
Billy, beanie, beanie, beanie

What better way to celebrate the angel of death passing over your condo than with an all-new category of MP3s? Just click over to my Mp3 Library, and help yourself to a steaming Seder plate of Jew-tracks I’ve affectionately called, oyTunes.

I’ve uploaded 16 very special selections to get you started. That’s enough for a full-length CD! Yes, you can rip them and burn them, just like the kids do. And think what a hit you’ll be at Tante Esther’s when you bust out these borscht beats. Talk about a Groyse Macher!

Best of all, these MP3s are free! A metsieh fun a ganef!

Here’s what you get:

1. Hava Nagila (Johnny Puleo & his Harmonica Gang)
2. Stayin’ Inside (Two Live Jews)
3. Knish Doctor (Mickey Katz, also known as the father of Joel Grey)
4. Kosher Disco (Benny Bell)
5. Throw the Jew Down the Well (Borat Sagdiyev)
6. Theme from The Muppets (in Hebrew)
7. Satisfaction (Sam Chaplin)
8. The Afikomen Mambo (Rabbi Joe Black)
9. How Much is that Pickle in the Window (Mickey Katz)
10. Matzoh Ball Soup (Slim Gaillard)
11. Far From the Home I Love (The Barry Sisters swing Fiddler on the Roof)
12. Pincus the Peddler (Benny Bell)
13. Crazy Jew Rap (Unknown)
14. Matzoh Number 5 (Lou Bagel)
15. Hi Digga Dig Dig Dum (The Chai Lo’s)
16. Shalom Alechem (Meshugga Beach Party) From Twenty Songs of the Chosen Surfer

So go ahead! Grab a CD and fardrai zich dem kop!

I’ll just sit here in the dark.

But even if you haven’t, you’ve certainly seen Fabio at the salad bar at Ralph’s, and that’s almost the same thing.

So in keeping with the love theme this week, I’m posting some pulse-quickening mp3s in Italian. But not just any mp3s. These are Motown mp3s!

Yes, the hits you’ve come to love, Painfully and phonetically sounded out by the original artists! The Temptations, Marvin Gaye, The Supremes, all stammering their way through those cadenza e blues like natural born paisans!

I’ve even got a track by Stevie Wonder for Christ’s sake! Can you imagine what he had to go through? Playing piano with one hand, reading Italian braille with the other and singing at the same time! The least you can do is download a couple of mp3s. Lazy bastards.

Stevie Wonder – Solo Te, Solo Me, Solo
Yesterme, Yesteryou, Yesterday

The Temptations – Solamente Lei
My Girl

Four Tops – Gira Gira
Reach Out (I’ll Be There)

The Temptations – Sei Solo Tu
The Way You Do The Things You Do

The Four Tops – Piangono Glo Vomini
Can’t Help Myself

The Supremes – L’Amorre Verra
Can’t Hurry Love

Jimmy Ruffin – Se Decidi Cosi
What Becomes of the Broken Hearted

The Supremes – Chi Mi Aiutera
You Keep Me Hanging On

The Four Tops – L’ Arcobaleno
Walk Away Renee

And here’s a special bonus! It isn’t Motown, but I couldn’t exactly resist, could I?

BONUS TRACK

Ciao, bella!

I wish I had. Because today I discovered that there’s a fairly juicy little subplot in the book, involving one of Obama’s high school friends.

Ray, a fellow classmate of Obama’s, was also bi-racial, and also trying to define himself. But what set him apart was his colorful manner of self-expression. Ray cursed like a motherfucker.

This would all be snickerworthy enough, but it turns out that Obama actually read the audiobook version of Dreams From My Father.

And that means he read Ray’s quotes.

And that means you’re about to hear the President of United States using language that would finish Cheney off once and for all.

***

NOTE: I didn’t actually make these recordings. I found them in an mp3 sharing thread yesterday and uploaded them for your bi-partisan pleasure.

The important thing is that I’ll be eating Vicodin and ice cream all week. Yes, this year I truly have something to be thankful for.

While I can’t be with you all this Thursday, and probably won’t even be able to focus on my keyboard, it doesn’t mean I’m not with you in spirit. Almost nothing matters more to me than your happiness, and by that I mean I don’t give a shit.

To that end, I present this lovely mp3 for your holiday listening pleasure. It’s an oldie but a goodie, just reminding you to be grateful for all the little things.

I hope that you’ll play it as you sit down to your drink your Thanksgiving dinner.

UPDATE:

1. Society Is Not My Cup of Tea
2. Mannequin Walk
3. That’s Camp
4. “Oh to Angela” Ballet
5. Another Closing, Another Show

It started with German covers of pop songs, which I’ve been hoarding for quite a while. If you’ve never familiarized yourself with my stockpile, head over to the MP3 section and knock yourselves out. After all, Oktoberest is just around die Ecke!

More recently, I started getting interested in foreign language versions of Broadway showtunes. I don’t have a huge collection of these yet, but when you have Hair in Japanese and Rocky Horror in Icelandic, you have a fine start.

When John and I were in Munich back in January, we went to Saturn, which is sort of the German equivalent of Best Buy. I found some pretty spectacular scheiss there, and loaded up on Brat-Way hits. But German is sort of an easy language to find now, so it’s not as exciting as finding something in, say Dutch.

Fortunately for all of us, longtime ex-listener Mark sent me a little something from the Dutch production of “Annie”.

He says it’s just called “Annie” over there, but I’ve been to the Netherlands and no one has a name with only three vowels, so I re-did the artwork for the show.

I also have to imagine that everyone is wearing wooden shoes in this production, and Miss Hannigan smokes pot the whole time. I also like to think that Annie and Sandy are involved in some kind of porn that is completely legal in Amsterdam, but would get you arrested at the airport.

I love this man more than words can express. We have one of the happiest, healthiest, most loving and supportive relationships I’ve ever had. I am unbelievably happy.

Some of you may be asking, “April, what’s the secret of your happiness? Do you take drugs?”

Well, yes. But that’s not it.

No the secret is in this little book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, two Jewish princesses who have made a cottage industry of cuckolding for diamonds. Follow the rules and you’ll get that ring on your finger, they promise, and really, who wouldn’t want a marriage based on manipulation and dishonesty?

Now I realize this method of pretending to be busy is hard to master. Do you answer on the third ring? Do you run around your apartment so you sound out of breath when you pick up, giving the illusion that you have a life of some sort? Do you follow him in your car so you can run into him and pretend to be in a hurry to go somewhere else? Or do you just bludgeon him with a tire iron when you find him talking to another woman at Subway? It’s all so complicated.

Fortunately, Sherrie and Ellen have broken it down for us by putting the rules to music. And they really put the icing on the whore by rapping the thing themselves!

Yo, yo, yo! Straight outta New Rochelle! MC Fein and Mixmaster Schneider in the hizzy!

I’ll be back in a few days. I expect you to have this memorized by the time I get back.

Unless you don’t really want to fall in love.