April Winchell » News You Can Use

Hiatus

april — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:18:57 +0000

I’m taking a break from the site to work on another project. All the archives and mp3s will stay up for your amusement.

I’ll be back as soon as I have time to maintain this cesspool in the manner you have come to expect.

Happy Halloween!

Well it’s about damn time

april — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 19:21:25 +0000

Spiritual Safety Tip

april — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 17:15:15 +0000

Well, they may have something here. I’m an Atheist, and I’m very bitter.

By the way, the only way a child would see someone in their bathrobe with a cup of coffee is if they came to their house. Early. Uninvited.

Hey, there’s a safety tip, huh Lambuel?

- More here

Captain Ebay

april — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 21:05:52 +0000

It’s hard to believe that someone as steady and grounded as Michael Jackson would find himself in financial trouble. He’s always seemed so solid to me.

Sure, he had a theme park in his back yard. And a zoo. And a train station. And yes, those slumber parties with little boys got expensive, especially when you factor in the hush money. But he got a $25,000,000 refinance last year, so you’d think he’d have been able to pay off the Sears card and get on with it.

And yet, today I read that the contents of Neverland are up for auction. You could have knocked me over with a marble chess table supported by four parcel gilt horses on marble pillars.

But it’s not all bad news. This offers all of us an unprecedented opportunity to own a piece of Jacksonalia (or pedophilabilia, if you prefer), for just pennies on the dollar. Something we all appreciate in today’s tough economic times.

Take the portrait above, for example:

A portrait of Michael Jackson dressed as a king, oil on canvas, signed and dated 1995 and housed in an elaborate gold frame. Guide price $4,000-$6,000

That seems very reasonable. Particularly when you amortize it over the many years of pleasure you’ll get gazing at it, and thinking about where you’ll hang it after the foreclosure goes through.

If that’s not going to match the drapes, consider this painting:

Michael Jackson’s lookalikes painting: A painting on stretched canvas featuring iconic figures such as Abraham Lincoln and Albert Einstein wearing Jackson’s trademark sunglasses and glove. Guide price $1,000-$2,000

The only thing wrong with this painting is that he didn’t include Jesus. Jesus on the cross, with one sequined glove. That’s what’s missing.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking this collection is really pricey. And you’re right. But what did you expect? This is Michael Jackson, after all. He’s got an entire ranch full of fine art and antiques to auction off! It’s not like he’s going to sell his old socks.

A pair of Michael Jackson’s Triumph-era socks with uppers covered in rhinestone banding. They date back to his 1981 Triumph tour with the Jacksons. Guide price $600-$800

Wait – are those Thorlo Drymax socks? I could wear those to the gym!

You know, it just occurred to me that you can’t get these wet. You’d ruin them. Which means they’ve never been washed.

So let’s move on.

An electric cart featuring an image of Jackson as Peter Pan on the bonnet and Peter Pan cushions. Guide price $4,000-$6,000

Wouldn’t you feel great driving that around your favorite warehouse store? Imagine the look on their faces when you pull in to Food For Less!

Not convinced? Maybe you need a closer look at the bonnet.

That’s what I thought.

Speaking of cars . . .

Jackson’s Rolls Royce with interior designed by himself. Guide price $140,000 – $160,000

Another bargain! If only I had a prom in Afghanistan to go to.

It’s a tough call, but I think this may be my favorite item on the auction block.

A full-length red velvet cape with detachable faux ermine collar with gold rope trim, gold metal cross brooch with faux cabachon gems and satin lining. Guide price $300-$500

All of the garments up for auction are attributed to tours or television appearances. All of them, except this one. And I think that’s what makes it my favorite. Because that means this robe was just for him.

I like to imagine him wearing this in front of the television on Saturday mornings, pouring himself a bowl of Sugar Smacks and watching The Suite Life of Zach and Cody. Maybe he threw it on to greet the lion groomer, or just draped it about his bony shoulders as he sat on the edge of the tub, clipping his toenails.

- Story and more pictures here

Losers

april — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 00:31:24 +0000

About a month and a half ago, I posted a collection of offensive 9/11 images I found on the web. It was a pretty awesome assortment, I have to say.

It was my intention to do the same thing this election day, and give you a bouquet of turds crapped out by the very worst of society, or at least, the worst with an internet connection.

Sadly, this will not be the bonanza of tastelessness I’d hoped for. There just hasn’t been as much horror generated as the 9/11 stuff, but then, we haven’t had 7 years to make sparkly KKK gifs.

In any case, enjoy the light buffet I’ve set out for you.

That fire is hot

april — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 23:43:33 +0000

Louisville Slugger

april — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 15:07:33 +0000

“No matter how good I may have been told that I am at my hobby, I know that everyone needs to constantly practice at anything they take pride in doing.”

SOME RESTRICTIONS APPLY

Oh one more thing

Beijing approves Olympics ‘cheer’

april — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:44:21 +0000

Beijing Olympic chiefs are introducing an official cheer for patriotic spectators to spur on Team China at the Games, Chinese media reports.

The authoritative, four-part Olympic cheer, accompanied by detailed instructions, will be promoted on TV, in schools and with a poster campaign.

It involves clapping twice, giving the thumbs-up, clapping twice more and then punching the air with both arms.

The cheer is accompanied by chants of “Olympics”, “Let’s go” and “China”.

A committee official said the simple chants and gestures were designed to help spectators cheer for their favourite athletes in a smooth, civilized manner.

- Source

Elevated Security Measures

april — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 18:39:10 +0000

If you’ve been coming to this site for a while, you may recall Linkapalooza, and the sad fate of same.

Linkapalooza was a little feature I had that allowed anyone to post their favorite links to anything at all. When the list grew to 50, the oldest link would drop off, keeping the list fresh.

Eventually, spammers got into the mix, and started polluting the board with everything from erectile dysfunction meds to links back to their own shitty sites. One shitbird in particular spammed the page so much, that his site was often taking up all 50 spaces on the list.

After a while, it just got to be too annoying to police, and I had to shut it down.

Now I see that a little weirdness is going on here, this time among registered members. There are lots and lots of little sock puppet accounts, and that just spells trouble. Add this to the fact that I was hacked a few weeks ago, and I think it might be wise to clean house.

So this weekend, all suspicious accounts will be deleted. This includes multiple accounts from one IP, members with strange email addresses or screen names (”jkjkjkjkjkjkadhsh@anonymous.com”) and anyone who appears to be spamming. I’ll also be jettisoning anyone trying to send me a message (”yoursiteisapieceofshit”). You know how to reach me, my email link is right over there. Click it or ticket.

Ahhh. It smells better in here already.

Whatever, Mary

Apparently, Rupert Everett doesn’t like us.

In an interview with UK’s Radio Times, washed-up pretty boy Rupert Everett says Americans are “whiny victims” whose nation has become “unattractive.”

“I’m totally off the States now,” he told the magazine. “The reaction to 9/11 and then George Bush – really, they’ve got very blobby as a nation.

“Now they (the Americans) are whiny victims whose language is entirely taken from two TV shows – Friends and Sex And The City – and there’s nothing sexy about them any more. And that kind of semi-blindness about the rest of the world, which was attractive when America was exciting, is really unattractive now.”

There is nothing I like more than English actors who make it rich over here, then go back to their countries and talk about what a shitty country this is. I found it so charming when Kate Beckinsale used to do it (you know, back when people cared about her).

It’s also really cute when American celebrities go to England, taking all of their American money with them, and talk about what a toilet America is. I love it when Gwenyth does that; it really makes me want to rent Duets.

Normally, I would say that he should probably stay in England, and not accept anymore American jobs. But he doesn’t seem to be in danger of getting any.

As much as hate this sort of posturing, I do have to give him some leeway when it comes to talking about people becoming unattractive. Because if anyone is qualified to speak to that, it’s him.

Perhaps he can save his residuals from jobs he took away from American actors, and come to the states for his next procedure.

We may be a nation of blobby whiners, but we know how to do a face lift that doesn’t make you look like Jeremy Iron’s corpse.

Hollywood Round-Up

april — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 01:03:58 +0000

I know you were thinking that it’s all about archives now, and I’m not going to be doing anything new. I’m sure that’s what you were thinking, because you’re like that. Plus I heard you guys talking before.

Well forget that. Because I’m introducing a brand new feature today!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you this week’s HOLLYWOOD ROUND-UP!

How do you like it so far?

All right, so maybe I don’t have everything worked out yet.

The important thing is that I have a graphic, and that’s a start. So here we go.

Shia LeBeouf and Rihanna are dating.

Despite rocketing to fame with starring roles in Transformers and Indiana Jones 4, few people have thought to make fun of Shia’s last name, which literally means, The Meat.

Rihanna, on the other hand, is best known for singing “ella ella ella ella la la la.”

In a related story, Totes has entered into a marketing deal with the singer and is now featuring Rihanna Umbrellas (or umber-ellas las las) on their web site.

Welcome to hell.

Hella hella hella la la la.

Owen Wilson attempted suicide.

Frankly, I’m shocked this didn’t happen a long time ago. Just watching a Kate Hudson movie makes me want to jump out of a building. I can’t imagine actually waking up with her.

And please, someone, anyone, call CPS and get that fucking kid of hers a haircut. This has gotten way out of hand.

Cock and ball torture.

Britney Spears to open the MTV Video Music Awards.

Britney has teamed up with Criss “Mind Freak” Angel to create an opening number for the VMAs. Insiders say the number will be “shocking”.

Please.What can she do now? She’s already shaved her head, showed us her cooter and had about 12 hit and run accidents.

Hey Britney, you really want to shock us? Put the Red Bull down and feed your kids.

Dancing With the Stars cast announced.

In the most exciting entertainment news story since, well, this one, the new cast of Dancing With the Stars was announced on Good Morning America Wednesday.

Joining Wayne Newton and Marie Osmond are Sabrina Bryan, Josie Maran, Cameron Mathison, Albert Reed and Mark Cuban, making this the fifth consecutive season that no actual stars have been involved in the production.