My friend Gina suggests they start serving “Lipstick on a Pig in a Blanket”.

The point is, I amuse myself. And that’s all I can ask for.

PANCAKES YOU CAN BELIEVE IN™

For one thing, I worked on Monday. The experience was so foreign that it bordered on traumatic. I’m only just now getting back on an even keel.

I also had an MRI on Tuesday that I had to be sedated for. The first time I tried to get it done, I had a panic attack that was so severe, I started screaming and had to be let out of the machine.

I have more funny stories, but I’m saving them for the book.

Okay, let’s get to the real reason we’re here.

Last week, I told you about a game called POODLE. It’s pretty easy, actually. You take this picture of a poodle, and you change it in Photoshop. And that’s kind of it.

Now, in a real game, you send your changed image to someone, and they change it and send it back. You keep doing this until you feel like the image is finished or your boss catches you, whichever comes first.

Because this kind of thing takes all fucking day, I was only able to get a volley going with one person, and I’ll get to our exchange in a bit. But first, let’s look at the images you sent me.

In looking them over, I realized that the submissions could be broken down into four categories.

1. NEW HEADS

From Karen:

From slotjaw:

From Johnny:

From Coopergreen:

2. NEW BODIES

From Bob :

From Fat Fairy:

3. THINGS ON/WITH POODLE

From Steven:

Extra points for incorporating the Liza toy I made last year

From Edgar:

From Roger:

4. POLITICAL POODLES

From John C:

Also from John C:

From Keith:

Also from Keith:

And finally, from my own John Foley:

* Extra points for including the ball

Now here ’s the volley I had going.

It started with this email from “Big Dog”:

April:

So one my pal of pals sends me this Britney-busted Poodle as the start of round one of the game.

Here’s my volley back.

You wanna go next? We’d be honored.

Well, of course I wanted to go next. So I sent him this:

Clearly I had no idea who I was dealing with, because it didn’t even slow him down. He responded almost immediately with this:

You’re it.

Something about that blimp just reminded me of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. So I sent this without comment.

Shortly thereafter, I received this email:

Okay, April; I see you’re serious about this. So here . . .

And he attached the file that ended the game.

Somehow or other, you just know when it’s POODLE.

Click here to see the winning entry

I must say, I am delighted at all the effort you’ve been making. There have been some stellar creations, ranging from inappropriate to grotesque, and it’s all working for me in a big way.

Some of your pieces have come to me by email, and some are scattered in the comments. Post them or send them, whatever is easier for you. I’ll put them all up on Monday.

Now I have some bills to pay and other shit to do, but I’ll be back later with that flame worthy post I promised you yesterday. Take your Pepcid now.

Yeah.

I have an update in the works that will no doubt start a flame war, just like the grown up sites. Hopefuly I’ll get that up today.

In the meantime, I’ve been getting a lot of emails about posting your POODLES in the the comments section.

Here’s a little HTML for you. Apologies to those of you more computer savvy than this, but it’s just a simple little bit of code, and I’d like everyone to play.

If you want to link to an image somewhere else, you do this:

<a href=”http:www.siteyourphotoishostedon.com/nameofyourphoto.jpg”> the text you want someone to click on to see the image </a>

If you want the image to actually appear on the page, you do this:

<img src=”http:www.siteyourphotoishostedon.com/nameofyourphoto.jpg”>

So try that in the comments and see if it works for you.

Oh! One more thing . . .

Longtime ex-listener Matthew sent me this track recorded off of the Frosty, Heidi and Frank Show.

Apparently there aren’t enough pieces of music in the world, so they had no choice but to use my theme song.

Yes, the Chicken Yodel, given to me for my use by the artist himself, Kerry Christensen. No mention of him either.

So thanks a lot, triplets! You guys rock!

And here’s your poodle.

You start.

You can either mail your images to me and I’ll go next, or you can paste them into the comments for this blog.

I’ll post the best ones next Monday.

Speaking of Mondays…

I’d like to direct your attention to the incredible four four blog, written by Rich Juzwiak. Rich also writes the VHI and Celebreality blogs, so he’s snotty for money, which I really respect.

As good as those blogs are, four four is a national treasure; a glittering strand of tinsel in the dog turd that is the internet.

Rich does the most obsessive, nitpicking, downright nasty recap of America’s Top Model every Monday, and it is not to be missed. And seeing as it’s Monday, you absolutely want to head over and see what he’s put together.

And speaking of dog turds…

Did anyone happen to tape the show yesterday? I’d like to put it in the archives, as long as I’m on a roll.

I stopped and stared. There was something just kind of . . . wrong with it. She seemed so weirdly out of proportion that I pointed it out to John.

“Jesus Christ,” I said, “did they Photoshop the eyes on her?”, because I swear to you, she looks like a Keene painting.

And John said, “No, she always looks like that.” And I realized he was probably right.

When I got home, I remembered a story I read a while ago, about babies.

It seems that when we’re born, our eyes are almost completely developed. It only takes a little while for the cornea to grow to adult size. That’s why babies seem to have such big eyes; they have adult-sized eyeballs in their little heads.

And I thought, what the hell could Anne Hathaway’s parents have been seeing?

I mean, seriously! That had to be frightening, seeing that big-eyed Cabbage Patch motherfucker flopping around on the table. You know they had to sedate the mother.

Celebrity Math!

DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against Anne Hathaway. This isn’t personal. I’m sure she’s a fine actress and God knows we needed another Jane Austen movie.

Yes, LOLCATS has taken the intertubes by storm. Everybody loves those kittehs. And, as with any internet fad, the spinoffs are popping up everywhere.

I’ve seen versions of LOLCATS with presidents, other animals and even Star Trek. And while they’ve all been pretty funny, I can’t help feeling that something is missing.

And that something, is porn.

Or Pron, if you will.

I mean, think about it. People in pron look pretty ridiculous, don’t they? They make all kinds of stupid faces, get into weird positions and hold strange objects. It seems to me that pron is just begging for the old LOL treatment, and I’m just the girl to make it happen.

Let me tell you something, I was delighted whan I thought of this. I mean, thrilled.I immediately went to go buy LOLPORN.com, but to my complete horror, someone already had it.

And someone already had LOLPRON and LOLPRONZ and everything else I could think of!

Though to be honest, I didn’t check LOLPRINZ.

The point is, none of those URLS went to actual LOL porn. And if you don’t think putting stupid captions on blowjob pictures is a wasted opportunity, you just aren’t paying attention.

New Show Uploaded!
The Mr. K birthday show I did on KTLK last Monday is now up in the archives!

Two full hours of radio, jam packed with at least 20 minutes of entertainment. You’ll have to look for it, but it’s in there!

Visit the archives to listen and download.

And I have something else for you!

But I’m saving it for Monday. I can’t give it up all at once, you’ll never call me again.

Just keep June 10th open, from 2:00 – 4:00 PM, PST.