Well, maybe podcast is too strong a word. It’s more like a 35 minute spew, followed by a song so lovely, it might have to be your new ringtone.

Just so you know, there’s a lot of cursing.

And speaking of Father’s Day, Marc Germain and I have managed to choke out yet another podcast!

Of course, this podcast has absolutely nothing to do with Father’s Day. I mean, Marc is a father, and I used to have one, but that’s about it.

Fortunately, we do talk about Ed McMahon, people who want to cut their hands off and the grade Z celebrity I saw in the food court at the mall. So don’t think of this as 44 minutes wasted.

I mean, it is, clearly. But don’t think of it that way.

Right out of the gate, you get the Vicodin-fueled retelling of Mr. K’s recent motorcycle accident on the 405. And there’s an uncomfortable discussion about sex with famous people.

Carnage, drugs and sex, all in less than an hour. You don’t get that on Ira Fistell.

But there’s more! You’ll also get racially insensitive comments about Native Americans, stories about meat-eating and gambling, details on my upcoming movie with Gary Busey and lots and lots of old-fashioned cursing. Golly, this is the best Memorial Day ever!

So go ahead. Click on the player below to listen now, or download it to slog through at your leisure.

Sure it’s a chore. But that’s what weekends are for.

I couldn’t, of course, because nothing ever works the way it’s supposed to and something always goes wrong and everyone is an asshole. And I don’t think I’m overstating my case.

It turns out the reason I had no internet access last week is because my account was “suspended” by AT&T.

Why, you ask?

Because I moved.

That’s right. I moved. I had the audacity to pack my things and move to a different home, and AT&T had some real issues with that.

Apparently you have to register with AT & T when you move. And apparently that’s a whole different thing than calling them up and saying, hey can you transfer my service to this new address? And them saying, sure, and then they send a bill to the new place.

This isn’t that.

This is something else. Although no one can tell you what it is. But you have a 30 day grace period to get it done, so you better not fuck around.

Anyway, here’s the podcast. I don’t know how good it is, but at least I don’t have a cold yet, and I’m still somewhat pleasant. Considering how things have been going lately, this one could be something of a novelty.

It might have had something to do with the fact that we’re both out of work, or that talk radio is imploding, or that Robin Williams is divorcing the nanny. Hard to say.

The point is, there is a kind of bittersweet quality to this podcast, which gets a bit more introspective in some spots than you may be comfortable with.

To that I say, grow a dick.

And the next fucker who posts some comment about Macs vs. PCs gets shitcanned.

Remember how it only had my side of the conversation, because Marc screwed up his half so badly it was unusable?

Golly, that was funny. We all had a good laugh over that, didn’t we? We laughed and laughed.

And I laughed harder than anyone, didn’t I? Yes I did. I laughed like a jackal, and I’ve never stopped.

Well, today the pod is on the other foot. Because while I was editing this one, I accidentally threw away the last 15 minutes of my half. How’s that for hi-larity?

Now when this happened to Marc, he rectified the situation by simply stripping himself out of the podcast. And that was a good idea, but not one that would work in this situation. Because we all know that Marc by himself isn’t interesting.

No, my choices were an 18 minute podcast with both of us talking, or a half hour show where I just go all Marlee Matlin at the halfway point.

So, fuck it. I can’t figure out what else to do but post it and beg forgiveness.

If it’s any consolation, one of your “dream” phone calls is at the end.

For the unintiated, Auntie Vera is the nom de web of a very talented voice actor I have known for many years. He makes frequent appearances in the podcasts I do with Marc Germain (most recently as the voice of Tony from the Palazzo).

The way Podluck works is this: one of us records half of a conversation or sketch, and then emails the track to the other person. That person has to finish it, adding voices, sound effects or other production.

We only did a handful of them and posted them on their own site. You can hear the complete Podluck shows by clicking this link.

Auntie Vera also podcasts alone, and reached a milestone last week – 100 podcasts.

To celebrate, he asked a few people to recorded pieces to incorporate into that centennial podcast. I was one of those people. but between moving and everything else that was on my plate this month, I completely forgot.

To make it up to him, I recorded half of a phone conversation, explaining my tardiness, and sent it to him to finish up.

The result is here. It’s only about eight minutes, which is just about how long it’ll take for the Vicodin to kick in.

I’ll be back tomorrow with a full-length podcast featuring me and Marc.

And as an added bonus, he’ll really be in it this time.

You may recall in a discussion Marc and I had in our last podcast, about a show that Marc screwed up pretty badly. We referred to it as “The Lost Podcast”, and we told you it would never see the light of day.

Well, that turns out to not be completely true.

As testament to Marc’s unique problem solving abilities, he managed to get the show into a listenable form. Well, maybe “listenable” is a bit of an overpromise, but he did make a show out of it.

And how did he do that? By stripping out his half of the conversation completely.

Really, I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before. Less Marc is exactly what this little enterprise needed.

We will return to regular programming next week, with a podcast we recorded yesterday. And we’ll be featuring your bizarre dream phone calls, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

But for now, sit back and enjoy the disjointed pod stylings of this hellish experiment. I should warn you that it does get a bit nonsensical here and there without Marc’s track. But you and I both know that you don’t listen for cohesive storytelling.

You listen so you have something on while you’re getting drunk.

The bad news is that I’m moving tomorrow, so this is the last podcast I’ll be able to post for a few days.

The good news is that I have an actual recording room in the new place, so the quality of these podcasts should greatly improve.

Well, I should clarify that. The quality of the sound should improve. The podcasts themselves will remain as uninspired and lifeless as ever. You don’t screw with a winning formula.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that I am heavily medicated in this podcast. I threw my back out in the stupidest way possible (you’ll hear the sad story at the beginning), and I chewed up a big handful of Vicodin before we started recording.

It was easily the most fun I ever had talking to Marc, and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.

In any case, it led us to talking at length about sleep and dreams, and it opened up an interesting new way for you, the discerning listener, to contribute to the show.

In the last few minutes of this track, Marc gives out a special number for you to call. You’ll hear all the details at around the 37 minute mark, but basically, we want you to leave a message we can incorporate into an upcoming podcast. You can call more than once if you like, but make sure your message relates to what we’re asking for so we can make the most of it.

I’ll be back next week with hellish stories of my move, and a budding Codeine habit I can’t afford.

First, it features Marc and I talking about really important things for a change. We don’t usually get too serious in these podcasts, so I think you’ll find this new focus a breath of fresh air.

We talk about Hal Fishman, for example, whether Miley Cyrus is a puker, and how mad I still am about that negative feedback I got on Ebay 6 years ago.

But more significantly, it features a first for us, and it happens at around the 9 minute mark.

I think it will make you and I feel very close. And as you know, that’s all I want.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted.