I don’t know what’s funnier about this; the sound the turtle is making, or the fact that YouTube thinks is this “Adult content”.

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I’ve seen men in fur suits masturbating on stuffed animals. I’ve seen high heels stepping on snails. I’ve seen women farting on birthday cakes. I’ve seen guys wearing white socks in two inches of water in the bathtub. I’ve seen a tutorial on how to jack-off with a pair of Keds. And I’ve seen some weird stuff, too.

Whenever I unearth these bizarre behaviors, I always wonder if there are limits to sexual excitement. Is there no fetish or kink weird enough for someone to pop a boner over? Isn’t there a line of some kind, where it just stops being sexy to anyone?

And the answer it seems, is no. Someone out there will wank to anything.

I can offer no more conclusive proof than this, which I found via a link on Live Journal this morning:

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Yes, it’s salmon hentai. Sexually explicit Japanese fish fucking comics.

Not “fish-fucking”, like you’re having sex with fish. “Fish-fucking” like, the fish are fucking. You’re just watching.

Aw yeah. Now that is some hot salmon.

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to put my head down on my desk and take a long nap. Who the fuck would jerk off to fish porn? Seriously? Who the hell closes their eyes and sees this? Bears?

Puzzling as it may be, I’ve formulated two theories on how something like this comes to be.

First, it may that all this immediate, online stimulation is making us jaded. We have to keep lowering the bar to be shocked, or to feel anything at all. Some of you may remember when shitting in someone’s mouth was not something you’d put on a cake.

On the other hand, salmon fucking aficionados may have been around for years; alone, isolated, afraid to come out of their shells. Only on the net have they been able to find each other and flourish.

Either way, it’s the internet’s fault.

PUNS I RESISTED IN THIS POST

Codpiece
Baited Breath
They learn it in schools
Scales of Justice

- Fin -

Hey, if you like Christopher Walken reciting poetry, you’ll LOVE watching him cook a chicken.

Well, there you go. Quality infotainment. I just wonder if he hid his watch up there.

Heh.

All right, let’s move on, shall we? I can’t sit here and pretend to be clever all day. I have things to do.

From: Steve

I know you’ve been working your mouse to its proverbial bone, but there are two songs from recent radio shows that bring my day to a screeching halt: That’s Why I’m Dumping You, Bitch and Colors of the Wind. A full-quality version of each (with artist credit) would be a gift that keeps on giving.

I’m reminded of a quote; “Sometimes when God gives us a gift, He forgets to wrap it.”

Well, that is a beautiful quote, Steve, and I can only hope you have it worked into a piece of needlepoint somewhere in your trailer.

The first song you requested is actually called The Sensitive Song, and is sung by Stephen Lynch. I’m going to* convert it into an mp3 for you, and post it in the library. Won’t that be good?

*Notice I said, going to. Because it’s not happening today.

However, I have uploaded Marla Weiner’s jaw-dropping version of Colors of the Wind to the MP3 Library. You’ll find it under “Completely Fucking Awful”.

I’m a little sad about that track though. A Google search has revealed that it’s a put-on by an actress named Marla Mindelle.

I guess I’m always sad when something I think is real and terrible turns out to be fake and terrible.

Search and Destroy

I went to a web site yesterday that generates reports on your traffic and readership. These reports let you see where most of your visitors come from, and what they click on. That can be very helpful, because it allows you to give people more of what they want, and less of what they don’t.

You know, if you give a rat’s ass.

What really got my attention were the search results.

These are the terms that people put into Google or Yahoo, and lead them to my little corner of the web. Seeing what searches yield the most hits tells me what people are looking for, and I can use that information to get more readers!

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Very interesting.

So what have we we learned today?

“Pron” comes somewhere between French farce and Jim Nabors - as in real life.

More people want to see Elvis in his casket than Tiger Woods play golf.

Illinois citizens enjoy breast cakes and accordion sex. And having spent a weekend in Elgin, I’m not at all surprised.

Paris Hilton’s snatch is more popular than her vagina, but people still mistake the echo for yodeling.

Only 1 person is looking for Bono humor, and he still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.

0.90% of the people who come here are not gay. But they like your booty.