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31 million. Do you have any idea how many that is? It’s, well . . . 31 million. That’s almost as many skin tags as Morgan Freeman has.

Now, I admit, I struck gold with the Obama mp3s, and that doesn’t happen every day. But I seem to be getting millions of hits every month, and that can only mean one thing.

Apparently, people come here.

And it occurs to me; I’m online all day anyway, dicking around, looking at shit and blocking applications on Facebook . I might as well find ways to make a little money on this thing!

That’s why I added blogads to this thing. See the link up there on the left? Under the Pink Hat Hell ad? The one that says Advertise on AprilWinchell.com?

Click it.

Go ahead! You know you want to!

Just click on that link and slap an ad on here. Why the hell not? It’s only $20 a week. That’s less than a tenth of the cost to put an ad on Drudge, and you don’t even have to be a self-hating closet case!

I don’t care what you’re selling. You don’t even have to sell anything. It can be a link to your site or a message to someone or a even picture of your ass. What do I care? I’m whoring over here!

Look, this is not another begging for money phase, I swear. I just want to find a way to make this site my job.

I want to punch in every morning day and do stuff. Upload more shows, blog more and even offer some premium content (I’m working on that now).

But I need you to help get me started. Potential advertisers see ads on my site, it seems like a good idea. They don’t know I just asked you to post pictures of your ass, they don’t have to know. That’s just between you and me.

So do me a favor – buy an ad, or click on any ads I’m lucky enough to have, and help me establish myself as a legitimate place for someone to advertise.

And in return, I’ll clutter up this site with ads for every fucking piece of garbage imaginable. And if you’re very lucky, I’ll even add sparkly gifs and Midi music.

Ok, a couple of things here.

First of all what the hell is “green gossip”? Is there actually a tabloid aspect to recycling? Do people really care if Charlie Sheen has florescent light bulbs in his trailer? Are paparazzi staked out in front of Greg Kinnear’s house, trying to catch him putting green bottles in the brown glass bin?

But okay, let’s assume that there are, in fact, people who give a fat shit about how eco-friendly the cast of Lipstick Jungle is. Even within the narrow confines of that fetish, how does this particular non-story qualify as “green”?

We are, after all, talking about a woman who threw a party. She didn’t grow the food, for fuck’s sake, she hired caterers. How many trucks do you think showed up with electric heaters and propane grills? How many linen tablecloths and napkins had to be laundered? How many dishes and glasses had to be washed? How many cars did the valet park that night? How much power did it take to put that party on, not to mention run a mansion on a daily basis for one person?

I mean, Jesus, she didn’t teach the women of Abu Dhabi how to make hijabs out of hemp. She had a bunch of rich, self indulgent jack-offs up to her mansion, and put out some hummus. Let’s name a God damned airport after her.

And by the way, it wasn’t even a vegan party. She just “included” vegan appetizers. I’m sure there was plenty of overfished Chilean Sea Bass for Courtney and David.

Was it a nice gesture that she put out some tempeh for the Marlboro-smoking yogatards? Sure. But that doesn’t make her Ed Begley, does it?

You know how Jennifer would really make this planet a better place? Stop plastering her big Jack O’ Lantern head on the cover of every magazine, bitching about Angelina Jolie. Talk about saving trees.

And in other holiday news . . .

Now I’m a glutton or punishment like no other. But I have to believe that the sound of both of those voices in the same room would bring this on by midnight.

If I were the movies, and this was happening to me, I would probably buy a gun and start killing people like Aaron Sorkin.

I would not plead out.  I would take this to trial.  I would get up and speak my piece in front of a jury of my peers; other movies that have also suffered through the humiliation of prequels and sequels and remakes.

I would deliver my closing arguments to The Women, and watch tears fall from their eyes as they think about being remade with Meg Ryan and Eva Mendes. I would make eye contact with Born Yesterday, and see the humiliation that comes with casting Melanie Griffith in the Judy Holiday role. Over and over, I would make the case that this kind of treatment had hindered my ability to make a living, and destroyed my reputation.

The jury would have no choice but to let me go.  “Aaron Sorkin drove the movies to do it”, they would say on the subsequent special with Nancy Grace.

But I’m not the movies, and life isn’t fair.  And even if I could shoot people and get away with it, I wouldn’t waste the opportunity on Aaron Sorkin.  Not while the cast of The View is still out there.

So what choice do we have but to be grown-up? To be positive? To think about how fun this movie can be.  Because “fun” is absolutely the word I’d use.  Right after, say, “diarrhea.”

So let’s all put on out party clothes and run screaming from the incredibly disappointing Studio 60, and skip headlong into yet another aging and irrelevant meme that Sorkin is not only too old to relate to, but doesn’t possess the technical ability to understand!  That has success scrawled all over it in royal icing, don’t you think? All piped from a pastry bag and dusted with glittering sugar.

My Grandmother has more internet savvy than I do, and she’s been dead for 33 years!.

Now how great is that line? His sainted grandmother knows more than he does, and she’s dead! ROFLMAO, Aaron!* 

* Have your researchers explain that one to you

So I suggest we all get involved in this one, because I really think we can help him out. I mean, I don’t think we’d get any air time or writing credit or money or acknowledgment, but that’s a lot like working with Aaron Sorkin to begin with. So who knows? You may be able to put it on your resume.

Below is a list of characters and ideas we’d like to see fleshed out. I’m going to give you the starting block, and you fill it in. When you get it the way Aaron likes it (verbose, labored, self-conscious, joyless, sexless, devoid of physical and romantic chemistry and wheezing under the weight of it’s own exposition), submit in in the comments. I’ll choose my favorites and try to weave a short pilot treatment out of it. Then we’ll email it to Aaron, and maybe his dead grandmother can forward it to him by way of Jon Edwards.

CAST OF CHARACTERS
(Feel free to flesh these out as much as you think necessary)

1. The ambivalent, engaged, sexually ambiguous woman “in a relationship”, who flirts with everyone and everything and posts lots of drunken pictures of herself partying in various states of undress.

(played by_________________)

2. The band singer who sells CDs on his page, and who relentlessly tries to suck people in to see him play in the shittiest bars in the worst parts of town.

(played by_________________)

3. The mildly retarded girl or guy who only speaks in LOLcats macros.

(played by_________________)

4. The one sending hoax emails about everything from free gas to dying children who want postcards before they die; none of which he’s bothered to check with Snopes.

(played by_________________)

5. The girl always trying to engage you in puzzles and word games that are inordinately time consuming and not very fun.

(played by_________________)

6 The one who wants to know how compatible you are when it comes to music or movies, so they bombard you with lengthy quizzes you have no desire to complete.

(played by_________________)

7. The one who sends you virtual presents like Japanese candies, good karma, baby polar bears and Star Trek characters, and you have to download a new application just to to accept the gift, which is worthless.

(played by_________________)

There must be more. If you think of a typically marginal denizen of Facebook, please flesh them out and submit them in the comments.

There could be a prize. That’s all I’m saying.

Eagle Point Drive
Sherwood, AR 72120

Full Google Street View here

Why not send a singing telegram from TajTunes?

For only $5, you can send a horribly composed and heavily accented song to anyone you choose. All the songs on TajTunes are original, so there’s no familiar melodies or logic involved. And with no pesky royalties or taxes to deal with, they don’t have to worry about pronouncing “injunction”!

Here’s a sample from the “Congratulations” collection:

Who knew cookies were such a big part of Indian culture? That must be why those rats are always drinking milk in the temples. You got to wash those Snickerdoodles down with something.

And doesn’t the recipient of the call look . . . moved? Or something? Well you would be too if your phone rang and you heard this on the other end:

Isn’t that fantastic? They’ll even make an mp3 of the whole thing and email it to you, so you can hear your horrified friend trying to get off the phone so they can kill you.

Still not convinced?

Then how about this special message for a valuable employee?

If they don’t quit after that, well, you’ll just have to shoot them.

TajTunes also offers birthday greetings, messages of love, get well soon and lots more! Head on over and enjoy the selection.

You won’t be sari!