I know it sounds a like a Czech fairy tale, but it’s all too true!

My patented, lovingly assembled Sacks O’ Crap™ are bringing happiness to people the world over!

But don’t have to take my word for it. Listen to what so many satisfied sacksters have to say about their purchases:

I got not one but 2 dirty booklets that show the fuller brush man sporting a Tom of Finland sized erection pounding away at a 50’s housewife. The booklets are great because they are the same size and shape as the pamphlets that christian ministries hand out. I intend to make copies and carry with me at all times. The next time I am asked where I intend to spend eternity, the fuller bushman is gonna answer for me.

The crown jewel of the collection is The Best Of The Battle Of The Network Stars. The cover promises Scott Baio, Gabe Kaplan, Tina Youthers and Donna Dixion. Oh April you excite me! You excite me and you KNEW that I would be excited. That’s why you included a tube of Las Vegas themed KY Jelly. Lord knows I am going to need it.

This is such good shit. How did you know The Ladies Man was my favorite Jerry Lewis movie? Oh, that scene! With the guy with the hat with the lining? A RIOT. And the girl? Practicing her scenes at the door to her dorm room, with the slapping and the slamming? I’ve saved my TV/VCR combo expressly for the day when I would get this VHS tape!

I can’t decide what I like the best – the Limoges SPAM can, the beautiful scarf or the strange book. All great and beautifully packaged. You put a lot of work in those sewn pieces! You made my shitty day – by sending me crap. Who knew?

“My Sack O’ Crap flushed my cares away, like the suction of an airplane toilet! In my opinion, it’s not crap at all, but I suppose calling it the ‘Bag of Miscellaneous Items of Subjective Value’ was kinda long.”

“The ‘Tribute to Liberace’ cassette tape isn’t crap at all! We will treasure this forever – unopened of course. We wouldn’t want all that gay getting on the carpet.”

“Our Sack o’ Crap arrived today… and talk about truth in advertising! I never saw so much crap shoved into a handmade drawstring bag with a googly-eyed piece of shit sewn on it in my life. We loved everything from the Super Tootsie Pops (two flavors!) to the vintage Variety magazine! My wife thought the mini comics were cool, until I explained that they were Tijuana Bibles. And then I had to explain what that meant.”

Well, there you have it. Words of praise from people who know their shit.

And the best part of all of this is that the crap store is back in business! Yes, after a temporary blockage, I have been restocked with high quality garbage, and I’m ready to start stuffing your sack!

If you’d like to be one of the cool kids and get your own Sack O’ Crap™, just place your order below. You can get a medium sack for $30 or a big ass sack for $50. Or you can just get the handmade sack itself for $15.00.

And you can customize your sack! There’s a field for special requests, and I’ll do my best to make it happen. Name your color, interests, specify gender, or just fill the box with dirty words. Whatever.

I think I can do about 10 more, so order up, Crapsters!

Sack Size

Bag only $15.00 Modest $30.00 Huge $50.00

Customize your Sack

Male Female Totally Gay Send Pron

Special requests

Well, actually only one person has said anything. But she seems really happy.

The box was waiting at my front door when I arrived home from work today. It was heavy (April spent more than $15 to send it to NJ), so I knew it must be worth the meager $30 I shelled out.

My purchase was well-protected in its shipping vessel. The sack is white with a light blue drawstring. The bag’s distinctive turd is playfully misshapen with dark eyes that move when jiggled.

Opening the sack for the first time was intriguing, as a light, musky smell permeated the inside. Slightly apprehensive, I prepared myself mentally to reach into the bag.

Wow! Such treasures were inside! The largest item was a hard-bound copy of John Grogan’s “Marley & Me”. Luckily, I have not read this, nor have I seen the movie. The puppy on the cover is so cute — I hope he lives forever!

Also, book related, I received a Barnes and Noble gift card. How did she know I can read?

Not one, but TWO bags of fine-quality Euro Coffee were also inside, along with Angry Scotsman chewing gum (“So minty fresh, it’ll put starch back in yer kilt!”) I’m a little hesitant to try the gum, as I don’t want my panty liner to stiffen up as I type.

With April being in the “the business” and all, I knew the media selection would not disappoint. The DVD enclosed is R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 1-12” — I am so excited, I don’t even mind that it’s used!

My most treasured item in the sack is a new, unwrapped copy of Nichelle Nichols’ 1967 album “Down to Earth”. While it does not contain my favorite song (her cover of the Star Trek theme), it does contain four bonus tracks, including “Hey Boy (Hey Girl).”

Found the source of the smell — it’s a bar of Calla-Lilly and Rosemary soap. It looks really expensive and it will help me increase my chances of getting an inheritance when I give it to Aunt Sally for her upcoming birthday!

Finally, two handmade items were found at the bottom of the sack — a really well-made fabric flower pin and a bracelet that will be handed down through generations of somebody else’s family.

Overall, this Sack O’ Crap™ was so much more than I expected. I encourage all of April’s fans to order one before they sell out!

And selling out they are!

I can probably do about 10 more of these before I completely run out of shit, steam, patience or fabric.

If you get one, please send me a picture and a review, and I’ll post it for the envious ogling of all those missing the boat.

Sack Size

Bag only $15.00 Modest $30.00 Huge $50.00

Customize your Sack

Male Female Totally Gay Send Pron

Special requests

This is in fact, the last of the April and Her Best Friend Roy Shows. I thought this one was lost to the ages, but longtime ex-listener Craig has located it, edited it and made it available for your listening pleasure.

We love Craig.

This show is noteworthy for the first and only Ask Reverend Roy segment in the second hour. Yes, Roy actually became an ordained minister for 5 minutes of comedy. That should be proof right there that god does not, in fact, hate fags. Well, he does, but just the ones who call each other “Mary”.

Click here for the April 22, 2001 show

In other news, if anyone in the Sherman Oaks area saw a brown cloud over the post office today, it was me, sending out the first of the Sacks O’ Crap™! Turds were flung as far east as Japan and as far north as Canada, effectively stinking up the world with my flotsam.

You fortunate people. You early adopters of my Sack. You know what I call you prescient shit seekers? I call you “lucky fucks”. Yes I do. Under my breath of course, but still.

So many good things went out today; Jerry Lewis CDs, Sad Wiener Chewing Gum, peel and stick parasites, vintage porn, tin soldiers, DVDs, charm bracelets, books, gourmet coffee, movie theatre tickets, gift cards, free KFC coupons . . . why I felt a little like Oprah, but with smaller arms.

Tomorrow I’ll assemble the next wave. There are a lot more orders than I anticipated, which just makes me giddy. I wake up in the morning and sew all day. It’s like I’m Amish, if Amish people had Tivo.

Sadly, the DAINTY size is sold out. However, I can make you a drawstring bag with the custom turd applique in any size for just $25.00, including shipping (US only).

And there’s more!

Now you can CUSTOMIZE your sack! when you order, you can make special requests on the order form, specify whether it’s for a male or female and you can elect to get an XXX sack, full of horrible, offensive pornography! Yay, commerce!

Anyway, if you’d like a Sack O’ Crap™, this is the time to order. I can’t keep this up much longer without getting some Malaysian children in here.

Sack Size

Bag only $15.00 Modest $30.00 Huge $50.00

Customize your Sack

Male Female Totally Gay Send Pron

Special requests

Well, the demand for these sacks has surprised me. Since so many of you seem to think this is a worthwhile purchase, I’ve decided to step it up and put a little polish on these turds.

So now there’s crap on the outside of the sack, too. Not only are they stuffed with a magical assortment of completely useless shit, they come packaged in a handmade drawstring bag, with a happy little Winchie-style turd sewn on the front.

NOW how much would you pay?

Well it’s stil the same price, actually.

• A Dainty $20 sack contains at least $40 worth of shit SOLD OUT
• A Moderate $30 sack is packed with at least $60 worth of shit
• A Fucking Huge $50 sack is crammed with at least $100 worth of shit*

*It used to be the “Fucking Huge” size, but Paypal wouldn’t process sales with the bad “f” word in the title. Fuck that.

Anyway, order soon because I’m already getting tired of sewing.

Sack Size

Bag only $15.00 Modest $30.00 Huge $50.00

Customize your Sack

Male Female Totally Gay Send Pron

Special requests

It’s going pretty well. You can see on the tally that we’re raised almost half of our goal through eBay auctions, blogads, premium downloads and out and out begging.

But I’ve got a long way to go here, and I’m starting to run out of shit to sell.

Well, no, I mean I’m running out of good stuff. I’ve got plenty of shit left. In fact, I’ve got sacks of it!

Can you see where this is going?

Right now, for a limited time, you can get a Sack o’ Crap™ delivered to your door!

What’s in a a sack, you ask? Well, like all turds, the contents vary. But a typical sack might contain DVDs, books, toys, memorabilia, photos, magnets, souvenirs, snacks and whatever the hell else I have lying around here. Hows that for butt clenching excitement?

The sack come in three sizes; Dainty, Modest and Fucking Huge. And each sack is guaranteed to contain twice the shit you paid for!

• A Dainty $20 sack contains at least $40 worth of shit SOLD OUT
• A Moderate $30 sack is packed with at least $60 worth of shit
• A Fucking Huge $50 sack is crammed with at least $100 worth of shit

How’s that for value? And if you feel like you just didn’t get enough shit, I’ll personally send you another pile of shit, on the house.

Yes, in a world where everyone is trying to give you less, I’m committed to shoving as much shit in a sack as I possibly can. Because I’m that kind of person. And I’m full of shit.

Sack Size

Bag only $15.00 Modest $30.00 Huge $50.00

Customize your Sack

Male Female Totally Gay Send Pron

Special requests

I spent three full days writing copy, taking pictures and posting auctions. Today I spent three hours answering emails, packing boxes and filling out forms. Seriously, this is dangerously close to having a job.

And by the way, don’t turn around and give me a dirty look when I’m taping up boxes at the post office. This isn’t the museum. Tape makes noise. Fuck you.

And how about this exchange I had with the clerk when I got to the counter?

“So,” he said, “how is your career going?”

I looked at him for a second, taken aback. “Fine . . . why?”

“Oh,” he said, as he stamped box after box of my former possessions, “I used to listen to you on the radio.”

How’s that? How’s that for a big Requiem for a Dream kind of moment? The kind of thing that makes you want to go home and wash down a handful of Xanax with a Nyquil and soda?

I felt like Bette Davis, dressed in rags and warming her hands over a fire in a trash can. I expected a little kid to run up to me and ask, “Hey lady, didn’t you used to be somebody?”

Go buy some of my shit, will you? They’re worried about me down at the post office.

Visit the Premium page for 5 new Highlight reels from the early, glorious KABC days with Marc Germain!

Yes, now you can relive the joys of the Halloween remote at the 99¢ store, my feud with Strouds, Manrammer Magazine, and long, pointless conversations about Oprah, pork rinds, Quincy and bidets. This was the golden age of blathering, when Marc had a job and I still had the energy to go somewhere on a Friday night.

Each show is only a buck, and I get 75¢ of that payday, so load up!

Click over to the Premium page, or visit my Tradebit store.

Today’s show features Roy becoming an ordained minister, me drinking a Redbull, Travolta in a sauna and something about Vienna sausages. I didn’t listen to the whole thing. That’s your job.

Click here for the April 21, 2001 show.

If you enjoy it, well, you know what to do.

Put down your corn and log onto Paypal! Ten more piles of shit are going up on eBay, and they’ve got YOU written all over them!

The next round of auctions starts at 7:00, and another turd goes live every minutes. Everything will be up by 7:45 tonight, and by then you’ll be so drunk and sunburned you’ll buy anything.

Click here to see all current auctions

I don’t know how longer I can keep this up. I’m exhausted and cranky and sick of the whole thing. And it’s only day two!

Honestly, if I wanted to sit around all day writing unfunny stuff in a depressing environment, I’d work on Two and a Half Men.

They were giving the steaks a little bleach bath to freshen them up, and then throwing them right back out in the store again, hoping people wouldn’t smell how old they were.

Well that’s exactly what’s going on here today! Old, shows, carefully trimmed to hide the bad parts, and profesionally repackaged to make you think you haven’t been down this aisle before. Genius!

So go ahead. Slap on a bib on and dig in to 4 steaming planks of well marbled radio. Fatty, gamey, bloated and a little saucy – just the way you like it!

Sunday, April 1, 2001
The April Fools Show
Click for details and download link

Saturday, April 7, 2001
Brad Garrett tells the joke that got him banned from The Tonight Show
Click for details and download link

Saturday, April 14, 2001
Skinhead personals and a chat with Larry Thomas, The Soup Nazi*
Click for details and download link

Sunday, April 15, 2001
The Easter Show, featuring the world’s first radio call-in egg hunt
Click for details and download link

In other news, 10 new eBay auctions start at 7:00 tonight!

This round has some good stuff in it, like signed Mark Ryden Art, a rare piece of Kevin Spacey memorabilia, autographed movie posters, Disney cast exclusives and a terrifying Carol Channing doll that must be seen to be believed.

And speaking of April 1st shows, I’m selling an assortment of memorabilia from my appearance on Martha Stewart last month; a signed photo, Martha’s autographed cookbook and the yellow rain slicker I wore on the show! And how perfect is a Land’s End slicker for exposing yourself at the bus stop? It’s even got my name tag on it!

Come back later for links, or just go here starting at 7:00 PM. Everything will be up by 7:45.

*Look for a special Soup Nazi/April Winchell/Best Friend Roy/Kevin Spacey eBay auction at 7:40 PM tonight!