MY GAY AGENDA.

We envisioned it as a classy, understated sort of “up-yours” to Focus on the Family, and all those other repulsive organizations that claim to hold a monopoly on goodness and morality.

But we also wanted it to be fully functional and truly useful.

Above all, we wanted it to be funny, snarky and lovingly gay-centric, without being overblown. You should pardon the expression.

So we started developing the app, and then brought it to our friends at Cerebral Itch. They put it all together, and submitted the finished product to the Apple Store for approval.

And last night, it went live.

MY GAY AGENDA, my first foray into the world of iPhone/iTouch apps, is now available for purchase in the iTunes Store! Can you even believe that?

I am so excited, and very proud of the way it came out. I can’t wait to hear what you think of it. So if you have an iPhone or iTouch, go to the iTunes Store and download this baby right damn now.

A portion of the proceeds from MY GAY AGENDA will go to Project Angel Food, a non-profit organization that provides daily meals for people homebound or disabled by HIV/AIDS and other serious illnesses.

Get more information on My Gay Agenda here

Buy the app in the Itunes Store

I’ll be part of a panel discussion at CBS Studio Center tonight.

If you’re a Performers Peer Group Member and would like to attend, click on this link and RSVP.

Following the discussion, there will be donkey basketball, pancakes and a wet T-shirt contest.*

See you there!

* False statements made to increase perceived value of event

In the early 90’s, while I was working on a show called Goof Troop for Disney, my agent called to ask if I could do the voice of Clarabelle. I immediately said yes, even though I had absolutely no idea how she sounded.

A few days later, I started work on a set of Mickey Mouse storybook CDs. This was not only my first job as Clarabelle, it was my first job with Mickey.

I remember walking in to a little brick studio in Burbank to do the recording, a little nervous, a little excited, and cornily enough, a little proud to be a working actress in the Disney family. And now I would be working with Disney’s biggest star.

I couldn’t tell you what we recorded that day. I don’t even recall the name of the project. But I remember seeing Wayne for the first time. He was sitting in front of two microphones, with Russi Taylor – the voice of Minnie Mouse – on his lap. They weren’t just sitting like that, they were working that way.

At the time, I thought this was some kind of cheesy method acting. But then I realized that the two of them were, in fact, a couple . They weren’t married yet, but they soon would be. Mickey and Minnie were in love.

And they really were. I saw a good bit of them in the ensuing years, and their obvious devotion to each other never flagged. Even though Wayne had many health challenges, they never seemed to be having a bad day. They just seemed exceedingly thankful for everything they had together.

Wayne was one of the kindest people I ever worked with. During my KFI days, he never missed an opportunity to tell me how much he enjoyed the show. Years later, he still asked when I’d go back on the radio. Wayne and Russi both always took the time to tell me how much they enjoyed the site and how glad they were that I was healthy and happy.

I’ve been doing animation since I was 11 years old, and I have met and worked with a lot of people. I’ve seen a sort of rising cynicism as I’ve gotten older, and a lot of resentment at the way the business has changed and left so many people out in the cold. It’s easy to focus on what you’re losing.

I guess that’s why the gratitude Russi and Wayne always showed left such an impression on me. They were never embarrassed to be happy or thankful.

It’s funny, when people ask me what cartoons I do, I’m sort of apologetic. I mostly do things like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, not the cool stuff like Adult Swim. For some reason, I’ve always thought that was a reflection on me.

But tonight, looking back on the company I’ve kept over my career, I can see I have nothing to apologize for. I’m proud to be among the classic voices, and part of the fabric of childhood memories.

Thank you Wayne. I’m so glad to have worked with you, and to have known you.

The audience was filled with women named “April” for April Fool’s Day. The producers planted me in the crowd to craft with Martha, and to derail the segment as best I could.

I basically just tried to be the worst possible person to pull up on stage to do a segment like this; uncoordinated, no artistic ability and a little too big of a fan. I’m not sure if I fooled her or if she just rolled with it, but the end result was pretty funny, I thought.

Of course, not everybody got the joke. Apparently some of Matha’s fans on Twitter were less than happy with the moron doing the craft segment yesterday:

I knew I’d be bringing shame to myself, and to my family. But shaming people all over the world? Who knew I had that kind of reach! if I was able to persuade just one person to stop making macrame plant hangers, it will have all been worth it.

By the way, the picture I took of Martha with my phone during the segment
is here.

Update: Several people have written to ask if that was indeed my own cookbook. Yes, it most certainly is, and I really do love it.

I’m about to get on a plane to New York to go tape a show. I’ll Twitter the info tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.

This will either be wildly funny, or it will all go horribly wrong and I’ll really have to start drinking in earnest.

As usual, I’ll be the voice of the hostile, ancient teacher.

Normally, I don’t promote things like this, because I never know if I’ve been replaced by Allison Janney by the time the show airs. This time however, I was contacted by the lovely woman who wrote the episode, who tells me that I’m not only in this episode, but I’m funny.

I make no guarantees, so watch at your own risk.

I’ll be appearing at the Hollywood Collectors Show in Burbank this Saturday!

Now I’ve ever actually done the HCS, or any autograph show for that matter, But from what I understand, it works like this:

1. Someone rents out a convention center
2. Low grade celebs show up to sell shit
3. Doors are opened, allowing influx of fanboys, furries and shut-ins
4. PROFIT!!!

Even though this is an autograph collector’s show, I hadn’t planned to actually charge for signing anything (I may be insane, but even I know what my autograph is worth). But I was told that I had to charge for my autograph, so I’m asking for $15 – $20 a pop, and I’m donating the money to Project Angel Food. That should take some of the sting out of it.

I had 4 different photos of me with my dad printed on nice stock, and I’ll be signing those. I’m also selling original Winchell Mahoney scripts, 1940’s photos of my dad performing in the Catskills and lots of other paper memorabilia, like signed checks, vintage fan club handouts and clippings.

I’m also bringing stuff pertaining to my own work, like Disney DVDs, scripts and a few vintage toys of characters I’ve voiced. We’ll see how it goes.

To be perfectly honest though, I don’t know how I’m going to get through this.

It’s not that I don’t want to be there, I do. in fact, that’s the problem. I don’t know how I can sit there when there are so many has-beens to be gawked at. I’m going to be in the same room as Donna Mills and Corey Haim, for God’s sake. How long could you stay in your seat?

Here are some of the other marginally famous people that will be in my world on Saturday:

Tom ‘Billy Jack’ Laughlin*
Leslie Nielsen
Jane Russell
Nancy Allen
Barry Bostwick
Angela Cartwright
Micky Dolenz
Geri Jewell*
Pamela Sue Martin
Bill Mumy
Nia Peeples
Donna Pescow*
Tracy Scoggins
Altovise Davis (selling the book, Yes I Can: The Story Of Sammy Davis, Jr.)

* Super high What The Fuck factor™

And best of all, from Deal or No Deal, Bonnie-Jill “15′” Laflin and Marisa “18″ Petroro! Wow, huh? I mean, it’s not like they got #23 and #12, for God’s sake!

So that’s my Saturday, and for a mere $20, it can be your Saturday too!

Burbank Airport Marriott Hotel and Convention Center
2500 Hollywood Way
Burbank, CA 91505
(818) 843-6000

Saturday, October 4
10:00 am – 5:00 PM

See you there!

I met Bernie Brillstein in 1996.

I was doing a radio campaign for Glendale Federal Bank in Los Angeles, and getting a lot of attention for it. The spots were funny and I was proud of them, but I couldn’t understand why so many people were hearing them. Important people.

It was only later I realized that the media buy was giving me the most beneficial exposure possible. The spots aired during rush hour traffic every day, and there were new spots every week. Over the course of a few months, every show business executive in Los Angeles had heard a wide sample of my writing and voice acting, and everyone wanted to know who I was.

I’m not exaggerating. There were profiles about me in The Wall Street Journal and The Los Angeles Times. Bill Handel, who I didn’t even know at the time, did a whole hour of his show asking people to call and weigh in on the commercials. NBC News even sent a crew down to tape me doing a recording session. When they aired the piece, Wendy Tokuda turned to Jim Giggins and asked, “Is it okay to say she’s annoying?”, which I still have on my resume.

At some point during this golden age, I attracted the attention of an executive at Brillstein Grey. I was floored. This was really where I wanted to be.

I started going in for a series of meetings to discuss my “vision”, and to go over the projects I had been developing for my own amusement. It was actually a sort of screening process to see if I had the goods for a meeting with Bernie. Eventually, I passed muster with enough people that I got the meeting. I was elated.

When I walked into his office, I was struck by how much he looked like Santa. His desk was lined with framed pictures of people like John Belushi, Dennis Miller, Bill Maher, David Spade, Martin Short, Dana Carvey and Bob Odenkirk. He had scripts in piles all over the room, and I understood what an accomplishment it was to just be sitting in his office.

To my surprise, he was very warm. He listened to my pitch attentively, and asked a lot of questions about my background. The other executives would chime in occasionally to remind me of anything I’d forgotten. It was a very friendly meeting, and it went on for a long time. I left feeling like I had broken through.

Several days later I got a call from Bernie. He told me he was “going to pass.”

I was heartbroken. I told him I really thought I was funny enough.

He quickly assured me that I was, indeed, funny enough. He liked my ideas, he liked my thinking, he liked me. There was just one problem.

He said, “You’re too well-adjusted.”

In his experience, people who were healthy, and most importantly, happy, were not good risks. Comics and writers who weren’t suffering did not consistently produce funny material.

Misery was like an irritant in an oyster. Comedy was the luster, and the pearl was the result. Without mental illness, there was no real and persistent drive to create humor.

This was the first and only time I was deemed too emotionally healthy for anything.

The first job was as Clarabelle the Cow. That voice tends to be a little hard on my throat sometimes, so I need lots of water when I’m working.

There was a wooden table in the booth, and when I went to set down my water bottle, I noticed someone had written their name on it. It struck me as odd that anyone would be writing on the furniture. I mean, this isn’t junior high school, it’s Disney for God’s sake.

When I saw the name, I immediately whipped out my phone and tried to take a picture of it. Unfortunately, it didn’t come out very well. But if you use your imagination and squint a little, I think you can see it says, WILMER.

I’m guessing that Mr. Valderama was suffering through a long session of Handy Manny, and elected to alleviate his boredom by tagging the furniture.

Pretty stealthy, don’t you think? No one will ever know who was responsible for that one.

Welcome to MENSA, Wilmer.

And the glamour didn’t let up. In fact, it really kicked in to high gear as I was leaving my second job.

I walked out to the parking lot and saw Tom Selleck, waiting for the valet to bring his car around.

Oh, it was too much.

I pretended to check my messages while I engaged him in small talk about cars, and discreetly took this picture with my phone.

Normally, I wouldn’t have taken the chance. I would have just come home and told you about it and drank myself to sleep.

But he was standing next to my Mini.

And unless we get into an accident, I don’t think I’ll ever get this shot again.

Tomorrow morning, I’m doing a table read for King of the Hill. I’m very excited about that. There will probably be baked goods.

I’ll see how lucky I get with my camera phone.