There wasn’t much to speak of, with the exception of a long blue envelope; the kind of heavy, expensive paper that tells you something good is inside.

I opened it up and was stunned to discover a $100 gift certificate for laser hair removal from Mercedes Benz of Encino.

I can’t possibly explain this one. I don’t own a Mercedes Benz, nor have I ever done any business with that dealership. And I’m not even particularly hairy. So unless this is part of some kind of Cash for Cooters program, I’m at a loss.

Are they trying to make friends? Because this is really not the way to do it. They might as well send me a month of free Weight Watcher meetings or a case of deodorant.

To be fair, the $100 can be used on a variety of services, all of which involve a laser being shot at some sensitive area. But curiously, the Botox option is furiously scribbled out with a Sharpie.

Which leads me to conclude that it’s all right to look worried when you drive a Mercedes, as long as you have more than one eyebrow.

UPDATE: the lyrics have been found

Day after day my hearts beat with joy
As I jump over rainbow
Hiding in my trunk is the melody that
Binds together our encounter and separation

The memories that I can’t put away are forcing
Their way out, and it hurts my heart just a little
Because I finally understand love, it
Puts a weight upon my shoulders

Your voice, everything about you, I hold it close
While walking my uncharted road
Embracing the miracle called “you”
And yet because my heart wants to tell you that
“I love you”, I begin a brand new journey

If in the future I forget your priceless smile
No matter what kind of things
Will need my attention
It will be a future I don’t need

I’ve gotten used to be silent and not crying,
And perhaps I’ve become too much of an adult
And yet when you said “Those are the things I like”
I cried. I will never forget you for that

Your dream, everything about you, I hold it close
While continuing my journey
Embracing the miracle called “you”
Even now because your words of a “Love so true”
Are stuck to my heart
I begin a brand new journey

You held my hand up until the final moment
When you faded, blurred, and then vanished

I embrace the warmness
Of the kiss you gave me on that day
I can live to be myself, because I
Embrace the miracle called “you”
So when I look up I can finally say
“Bye my love”

I’ll begin a brand new journey

I still don’t know what the fuck is going on.

I’m doing jury duty.

The woman on the PA system is detailing every possible fucking place to eat within a three mile radius and how to get there.

And the TV in the assembly room is tuned the The View.

Whoever gets me is getting the death penalty.