April Winchell

I’m over there

april — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 18:56:30 +0000

By now you probably know that I’ve been writing as “Helen Killer” over at Regretsy.

I started the site in October for my own amusement, and it has now become a full-time job.

I have no idea how this happened. It’s not like I’m smart enough or connected enough to put together a site with this kind of traffic. If I were, I’d have done it a long time ago.

In any case, I’m thrilled about the whole thing. I even have a book deal at Random House, and I’m writing it right now! And I better be, because apparently you can already order it. And it’s already marked down. Damn, publishing is tough.

Suffice it to say, I will not be updating this site with any regularity anytime in the foreseeable future. But I encourage you to come to Regretsy, follow me on Twitter, or join the Facebook fan page (almost 22,000 people as of this writing). There are a lot of very funny people over there, and all of them are meaner than I could ever be. I think it’s right up your alley.

- April

- Holiday Mp3s are still located here

Holiday Mp3s

april — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 17:53:39 +0000

Seasonal Favorites

Enjoy them now, because they’re going to get real old, real fast

Rudolph (The Five Petals)
Bethlehem Rap (Unknown)
Blue Christmas (Porky Pig)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Jack Klugman)
Christmas Seals Campaign (Barbara Feldon)
Rocking Disco Santa (American Song Poem Archives)
If Bette Davis sang Feliz Navidad (Jimmy James) Web site here
C3PO Christmas (Star Wars TV Special)
Carol of the Bells (Laffy)
Bubble Tub (Carrie Lanza)
Chicken Dreidel (Unknown)
Hark, the Herald Angels Sing (Chinese Children’s Choir)
I Was Santa Claus at the School House for the PTA (Yogi Yorgesson)
I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas (Yogi Yorgesson)
Let it Snow (8 Bit) Made from sampled video game sound effects
An Orphan Christmas (Claire Lane)
12 Days of Christmas (Crazy Drunk Lady)
Sleigh Ride (Dangerwoman)
Sleigh Ride (Jim Nabors)
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (Portsmouth Sinfonia)
Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (Shirim) Klezmer Nutcracker
Dominick the Christmas Donkey (Lou Monte)
Donde Esta Santa Claus (Charo)
Santa Claus, Will You Please Come Tonight? (Doug Lewis)
Little Drummer Boy (Marlene Dietrich)
Little Drummer Boy (Surfer version)
Frosty the Snowman (Swedish)
Frosty the Snowman (The Brady Bunch)
Frosty the Snowman (Tuba version)
Hip Hop Frosty (Unknown)
Walking Talking Christmas Tree (Gene London)
Get Your Dreidel On (Unknown)
Merry Christmas (Gordon Thomas)
Hannukah in Santa Monica (Tom Lehrer)
Auld Lang Syne (Jimi Hendrix)
Homo Christmas (Unknown)
Deck the Halls (William Hung)
A Holiday Reminder (William Hung)
Come All Ye Faithful (Inpatient Music Therapy Program)
A Reminder from the Post Office (Jack Webb)
Jingle Cats
Jingle Chicken
Christmas Without Daddy (Joe Walega and His Happy Hearts)
Joy to the World (Wing)
Sally Kellerman butchers a Christmas Carol
Hang Your Balls on My Christmas Tree (Kay Martin)
Night Before Christmas (Jay Leno)
The Christmas Dolly (Little Betty Ashley and J.W. Thompson)
Little Mary Christmas (Unknown)
Happy Birthday, Jesus (Major Bill Smith and Nancy Nolte)
Away in a Manger (Whistled by Fred Lowery)
Mele Kalikimaka (Davey Jones)
Merry Christmas, Neighbor (Cast of Bonanza)
Messiah (Unknown)
Debbie’s Last Christmas (Nancy La Plante)
The world’s worst version of Oh Holy Night (Unknown)
The Restroom Door Said “Gentlemen” (Bob Rivers)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Donald Trump and Regis Philbin) My idea of HELL
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Woody the Woodchuck)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Sonovox)
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (William Hung)
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Tiny Tim)
Santa 9-11 (Unknown) Merry fucking Christmas
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (The Brady Bunch)
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Wing)
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (John Davidson)
Santa Face is Bringing Me a Budgie (Freddy Davis)
Santa Wants Lovin’ (Albert Collins)
Silent Night (Dickies)
Silent Night (Eilert Pilarm)
Come All Ye Faithful (Slim Spincter)
Silver Bells (Steve Martin and Paul Simon) During an SNL rehearsal in the 70’s, never aired
Stick ‘Em Up, Santa
A Christmas moment with Sally Struthers
Jingle Bells (Tammy Faye)
Jingle Bells (Wing)
Tastee Christmas (Unknown) Make sure the cat is outside
Trepak (Shirim) Klezmer Nutcracker
Christmas Cookies and Holiday Hearts (The Caroleer Singers)
Three Letters for Christmas (Unknown)
The Christmas Party (Yogi Yorgesson)
Three Kings Rap (Unknown)
All Are Waiting for Christmas (Tommy Christy)
Two Front Teeth (Unknown) Outstanding entry in the “Adult-Singing-As-Lisping-Child” category
Walkin’ ‘Round in Women’s Underwear (Bob Rivers)
Yingle Bells (Yogi Yorgesson)
Here Comes Santa Claus in Black (Voicedude)
Jingle Bell Hustle (Wayne Newton)
Good King Wenceslas (Woody the Woodchuck)
What’s It To Ya? (Unknown)

Hiatus

april — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:18:57 +0000

I’m taking a break from the site to work on another project. All the archives and mp3s will stay up for your amusement.

I’ll be back as soon as I have time to maintain this cesspool in the manner you have come to expect.

Happy Halloween!

Oktoberfest!

april — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 19:07:19 +0000

It’s October in the San Fernando Valley. The lawns are turning brown, it’s a crisp 80 degrees and everything is on fire.

It can only mean one thing – time to unload a pile of German covers!

So here they are. Track after steaming track, laying here like so many blood sausages on a commemorative Kaiser Wilhelm platter. Everything from show tunes to pop songs, all in German, and some even performed by the original artists!

I’ve got some brand new German covers I’ve never posted (and I can only apologize for being tardy to the party) and a few you’ve heard before. But just because you suffered through it once doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.

And now there is nothing left to do but sit back with a tankard of Doppelbock, and let the melodies wash over us like so much duty-free cologne.

GERMAN COVERS:

Fever (Anita Lindblom) (3.09 MB)
Walk on By (Dionne Warwick) (2.54 MB)
I Only Want To Be With You (Dusty Springfield) (2.56 MB)
The Summer Wind (Little Peggy March) (3.22 MB)
Peppermint Twist (Caterina Valente & Silvio Francesco) (3.22 MB)
Some People – from Gypsy (Angelika Milster) (3.87)
Everything’s Coming Up Roses – from Gypsy (Angelika Milster) (3.58 MB)
Let Me Entertain You – from Gypsy (Susie Eisenkolb ) (2.55 MB)
Let’s Get Together – from The Parent Trap (Lill-Babs & Peter Alexander) (3.8 MB)
Beauty and the Beast (German cast) (2.70 MB)
Be Our Guest (Thierry Gondet, Simon Pohl) (3.38 MB)
The Lion King (German cast) (4.38 MB)
Radio Gaga (Ensemble Kolner Musical Dome) (3.38 MB)
Rock Me Amadeus (FMA) (3.75 MB)
Super Trouper (Carolin Fortenbacher, Jasna Ivir) (3.55 MB)
Sympathy (Marvin Gaye) (2.95 MB)
Tiny Bubbles (Anita Lindblom) (2.12 MB)

BONUS TRACK

I think this is Swedish. But let’s not look a gift pferd in the mund.

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning (Unknown) (1.11 MB)

I think this might be spam

april — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 19:22:32 +0000

The bad news is that this security breech happened 9 months ago and they just caught it.

The good news is that my account balances were not affected.

I think we’ve learned a valuable lesson about the importance of fixing the bug system.

Picture Dump

april — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 23:46:04 +0000

Sorry to have been so quiet over here, but I’ve had at least 13 days of Migraines in the last month. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, but as Jan Michael Vincent once said, “I’ve got drugs, so everything will be fine.”

I don’t quite feel like whipping up an actual post, but while I’m coasting on the Imitrex, here are some random images I’ve been collecting for just such an occasion.

Hey, Thanks Suzanne

april — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 18:49:46 +0000

SUZANNE SOMERS: PATRICK SWAYZE SHOULD NOT HAVE USED CHEMOTHERAPY

Suzanne Somers thinks Patrick Swayze could have been alive today if he would have used alternative methods to treat his pancreatic cancer instead of chemotherapy.

The former “Three’s Company” star, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1991 and rejected chemotherapy in favor of natural treatments, told a Toronto-based columnist that it was Swayze’s chemotherapy, and not cancer, that ended his life prematurely.

“They took this beautiful man and they basically put poison in him,” she reportedly said. “Why couldn’t they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins in his body? I hate to be controversial. I’m a singer-dancer-comedienne. But we have an epidemic going on, and I have to say it.”

Ok Suzanne, two things:

1. You are not a singer-dancer-comedienne.

Oh, you might have been one or two of those things 40 years ago, but now you’re a saggy bag of Restylane who can’t get any press unless she exploits someone else’s cancer.

2. You don’t “have to say it”.

Not everything that limps into that shriveled cortex of yours needs to be immediately vomited out into the media. Not only is it not responsible, it’s just none of your fucking business.

How do you suppose Patrick Swayze’s family feels reading this? The people who did everything they knew to save him, who suffered countless hours watching him die, how do you think they feel hearing that world renown cancer authority Chrissy Snow thinks he was “poisoned”?

You have no idea, because it never occurred to you that anyone outside of your fake wellness evangelism exists, or has any feelings at all. How dare you presume to judge the way someone manages their own cancer? What possible business is it of yours? You might as well be standing outside a chemo clinic with a poster of a dead baby, spewing your ignorance through a bullhorn, you selfish moron. Why don’t you just picket his funeral? That’s got to be worth a few minutes on Larry King.

“Why couldn’t they have built him up nutritionally?” Well I guess that would have been one way to go, except that YOU CAN’T FUCKING EAT ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU HAVE CANCER IN YOUR PANCREAS, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT.

3. Shut your fucking mouth, you hypocritical, disgusting fuck bag.

Okay, I realize I that’s three things, but this last one just seemed so important.

Well it’s about damn time

april — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 19:21:25 +0000

Spiritual Safety Tip

april — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 17:15:15 +0000

Well, they may have something here. I’m an Atheist, and I’m very bitter.

By the way, the only way a child would see someone in their bathrobe with a cup of coffee is if they came to their house. Early. Uninvited.

Hey, there’s a safety tip, huh Lambuel?

- More here

Birds on a wire

april — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 03:18:54 +0000

Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

“Reading a newspaper, I saw a picture of birds on the electric wires. I cut out the photo and decided to make a song, using the exact location of the birds as notes (no Photoshop edit). I knew it wasn’t the most original idea in the universe. I was just curious to hear what melody the birds were creating.”

- Jarbas Agnelli