It’s true. I just saw it on Fox.
I thought we might have been in the toilet earlier this week, when Elizabeth Hasselblecch warmed up the crowd for Sarah Palin at another hysterical clusterfuck in Florida.
But I was wrong.
You can see where I made the error, I’m sure. It’s easy to assume the end is near when someone who came in 4th on Survivor has enough heat to share the stage with a Vice Presidential candidate.
Granted, she went on to do important work, like judge Miss Teen America. But on a scale of “Nobody” to “Nuisance”, Bitsy comes in at a solid “I haven’t watched The View since Star lied about her bypass.”
It got even worse yesterday, when she went on Hannity & Colmes and said she wants Barack Obama back on The View. Because you know, that’s just a really good use of his time right now.
“My main focus now is to hopefully get Senator Obama back on the show,” says Hasselblecch. “The focus is more on why hasn’t he come back? Is he afraid to face tough questions again?”
Yes, I think that’s it. I mean, he may say that there’s less than a week before the elections, and another yenta fest with the harridans of The View isn’t the best use of his time, but we know what’s really going on. He’s terrified of those super-tough questions of hers!
Questions like “Why do you hate Jesus?”, or “Do you think dogs go to a separate heaven?”, or “Wait, are you black?”
But all of this is just the prelude to the toilet, it seems, because I just saw on the Fox News web site:
Yes, you read that right.
Joe the Plumber, who would be tiresome enough as a metaphor, is out on the campaign trail, talking about motherfucking Israel.
And they’re quoting him. Palin is on the podium, quoting Joe the Plumber on socialism, like he’s Henry fucking Kissinger, and not some unlicensed, tax-evading $40,000 a year yutz who couldn’t even finish an apprenticeship. But he has the moral authority, because his name is Joe and he works with turds. Joe the Plumber is the Republican’s Cindy Sheehan.
So this has to be it, right? This has to be the worst it can possibly get. Sarah Palin and a reality show princess famous for eating worms in her underwear. John McCain and the guy who fixes your toilet. The intersection of politics and sewage. How could it get more embarrassing?
There it is, folks. There’s the bottom. This is where the Bridge to Nowhere lets off.
It’s all playing out like Mark Burnett’s wettest dream. A hockey mom plucked from obscurity and given the $150K makeover. A simple Joe chosen over a million nobodies to be the voice of everybody.
It would be the show of the century, if only someone had talent.
